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Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~The first word ‘save’ doesn’t make any sense. Were you thinking of the word *except’? And unusually is spelled wrong.
“He had a bent and half ruined cigaret in his mouth and was fumbling with his lighter like it was some kind of puzzle box, this and the fact that he was being acompanied by someone as experienced as Johan told me he was an amature.”
~Cigarette, accompanied and amateur are all spelled wrong in this sentence, as well as throughout the story.
“Do you know if Elizabeth made it",”
~This should have a question mark at the end. And no comma after the quotation mark.
Silly mistakes like this drastically hurt your score. I know that this probably could’ve been prevented but I must mark your story on its current condition.
Also, when a new character speaks in dialogue, you must always start a new paragraph. As far as I know, there are no exceptions.
Grade: B
As you did not specify, you will be marked on vocabulary, which wouldn’t have been best suited for your story. While you did know the correct usage of the verbs and higher level of words, such as illustrious and sporadic, there was a serious lack in terms of number. Unfortunately, because you did not specify which area to be marked in I had to mark you on vocabulary, but I can give you kudos for at least using the higher end words correctly.

Grade: A

20-Jul-2010 18:56:42

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Conclusion: Your two lowest categories was vocabulary and spelling, which are really not very hard to improve on. My recommendations? Edit all your stories. Everything someone from SF has posted on the forums should be edited, and I learned that the hard way. I created an unfinished 180 post story unedited, and because I did*’t edit it as I wrote the chapters, I will probably never get it done. It’s a bit of a nuisance, but will dramatically increase your stories depth ten-fold. And not just for grammar, think about anything you left out in your story, or something that could add that little extra depth to the plot. I am sorry to say you have not been accepted into the guild of Unique Authors.

20-Jul-2010 18:56:58

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Robby Bobby:
At first I did*’t know what to make of your story. It was not written such like a noob script story but did contain similar elements; one which I was not a big fan of is the random plot changes. I however did like that you finally managed to pull off a reasonable ending near the last few paragraphs, though it could use some polishing. I will be marking you in Characters, Description, Plot, Spelling and Grammar, and Vocabulary, as you did not specify.
You have one major character which is Coal, and I have a few problems with him. One is his name. While I understand you want to have random funny acts like giving him a human name, I am not a big fan of random, let’s say pie-in-the-face gags. I will discuss this more in plot, but I do think his name should have relevance to his ethnicity. Or else provide reason, like a human hero name James rescued Keldigrim at a point of despair.
You also make James to feel almost robotic. You narrate the story saying things like, “He cried”, or “He loved dolls*. What did he feel when he cried? Was it like the end of the world? Or how much does he love dolls? I personally love similes, they are great to show how much something is on a scale by comparing it to something else, and I think you could probably imagine up some pretty funny similes.
Grade: A

For description, I have to say there is none. You never described the setting, or any of the characters. Instead you just narrated a plot. It was like a “Once upon a time story”. I can’t really comment on how to improve except saying you just have to describe things. What does coal look like? Does he have a scar over his eyes that cause him to be blind? Is his clothes covered in soot or is he more of a hygienic dwarf? When writing try to consider the five senses and incorporate them into your story. You definitely shouldn’t use them all in one paragraph, but a nice sprinkling of them would set the mood you are trying to create better.
Grade: B

20-Jul-2010 18:57:19

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Your plot I’m sorry to say was not my idea of funny. Plot shouldn’t be random strings of acts tied together loose. You need a base foundation of and event to happen to your character, the genre of your story should start out neutral. Then, you sprinkle in the genre of your choice, in your case comedy.
This is a quote from a personally favorite short story by one of my favorite authors.
Vicky was fanning herself with her scarf even though the T-Bird was air-conditioned. “Where are we, anyway?”
“Nebraska.”
She gave him a cold, neutral look. “Yes, Burt. I know we’re in Nebraska, Burt. But where the hell ARE we?”
“You’ve got the road atlas. Look it up. Or can’t you read?”

That got a chuckle out of me, but that just my personally taste. Believe it or not, that line was found in one of the most horrific short story I have ever read. You can still have comedy in a horror story, just like you can have comedy without a story being plotless.
I can’t give you no credit, however, because you did think up an ending towards his singing. It could have been executed a little better, however. If your style works for you that is fine. But this story is very familiar to the Noob stories we know all too well on these forums. It’s just because a story like this comes with so numerous plot holes to imagine. How does singing raise someone’s run energy? Why would anyone let a deaf and blind dwarf travel all the way to Varrock by himself? And how would he not get lost for eternity? I know you think these are funny, and many people would agree, I just like questions in the stories I read to be answered otherwise I feel like there is this empty hole when I am finished.
Grade: B

20-Jul-2010 18:57:46

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“It is here that our story begins, a man named James Coal.”
~should have the word ‘with’ between ‘begins’ and ‘a’.

“This is because people often died of this disease saying “Oh Jeez!””
~Need a comma after ‘saying’.
“These comments did*’t bother Coal, for he was def”
~It is spelled, ‘deaf’.

“fell into the toilet a few times,”
~Should be ‘a toilet’, unless you can specify which toilet it was exactly.
This should be an almost flawless category, and can be, with more time and effort spent on editing stories. It is the author’s job to present a polished piece of work to the best of his or her ability even if it means spending those horrible horrors re-reading their stories. You’re grammar was still very acceptable, I would say.
Grade: A
As you did not choose a fifth category you will be marked on vocabulary. I can’t give you high marks, because there really isn’t much use of complex words in your story. And the words you did know how to use were often repeated to the point of redundancy. For example, you had the word ‘finally’ in three consecutive paragraphs. Try using a thesaurus for repeated words in your story or change the phrasing so you don’t have to include the word at all. Just make sure the story still flows naturally.
Grade: A
Conclusion:
Maybe next time try to verge away from the random style of stories. Of course, that could be you’re personally liking and I’m fine with that, but that kind of story is not as unique as I would like to be in this Guild, seeing how it fits the norm with the noob or A/A genre. Also try verge away from making your story sound like “And then, and then” style, becomes the narration would become very repetitive. This is where description would come in. You want to show your readers, not tell them. It is very effective for conveying the mood you want more effectively.
I am sorry to say you have not been accepted into the guild of unique authors.

20-Jul-2010 18:58:09

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
All applicants that I have reviewed may reapply in two weeks. I really am sorry that you waited all this time just not to get accepted, but I hope that these reviews will make you all better authors.

Psychedelyk and Shadowteej, your entries are improperly filled out. I will review them when they are complete.
If any of the applicants have questions concerning their reviews, please feel free to contact me on this thread or ingame.

20-Jul-2010 18:59:13 - Last edited on 23-Jul-2010 05:22:08 by Dark Enmity

G Shamshir

G Shamshir

Posts: 1,723 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I respect your choice to deny my application and, in all honesty, I was hoping to be denied as in the absence of an orcastrater for this thread, I, assuming it to be dead, applied for and was accepted into The Novelist's Guild based upon the same story.
I have only a few contestations regarding your review:
"~The first word ‘save’ doesn’t make any sense. Were you thinking of the word *except’?"
The phrase "Save for..." has been in use for centuries and is an acceptable use of the English language, or at least the American dialect of the English language.
Furthermore I believe that most of your critisism of my use of ploit twists and a plot that's inner workings are intended to be kept murky untill the final moment is based on opinion. Quite frankly some people like this form of suspence and those were the people that this story was intended for; I am not a writer who cares about offseting a majority if I may enthrawl and captivate a minority, basicly, I write for myself and seek to surpass myself before I shal hold myself to the image of my contemporaries.
Furthermore my character's hesitation to kill his former co-workers is shown in his hesitation before raising his pistol. The fact is that Johan and Strieber are profesionles, so was Marcus once apon a time, once his pistol was raised he knew what to do and did it instinctively. While speaking about sparing the amature his point is that if the amature had not tried to kill him he would have allowed him to live. Johan and Strieber, both being profesionals, (allthough willing to take assignments that for moral reasons Marcus would nevwer take) we're co-workers and at times friends of Marcus, he knew them and he knew that they would stop at nothing to complete a mission and would much rather die in action than have a black mark on their record or be forced into retirment. I wish I could have better characterized these things, I suppose the story as it is in my mind did not entirely spill over but this is the

12-Aug-2010 02:09:59

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
That may be so, but the Novelists' Guild is much more lenient when accepting new members, this guild is not so much.
Also, the points you contested were minor issues. Did your story truly shine? This is the requirement to enter this guild. It has to have something unique, something that sticks in your reader's mind long after it has been read. You need this quality.

12-Aug-2010 02:18:24

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