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Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hello, my name is Dark Enmity (Formerly known as Kylebooker1, one of the reviewers of this thread). I recently returned to RuneScape after a ten month break, thinking I would never return. I hoped as a non-member I would stay active to these forums. Unfortunately it failed miserably.
I would like to apologize to all the applicants and members of the guild and especially to Ciao, who I abandoned without warning. I have no excuse and I am truly sorry.
I have returned to RuneScape as a member and currently committed to these forums. I hope that you all can forgive me. As such, here are the reviews. I would like to say before I post these, that I do not attempt to be a harsh reviewer who is only interested in accepting or denying reviews. My goal is to give applicants reasonable feedback to help further their stories.
With further ado...let’s begin.

20-Jul-2010 18:53:27

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I AM FRODO:
Because you did not write out a written evaluation your application is actually incomplete, but seeing as how I have already written your review it would be a shame not to post it.
This is a very peculiar story, one which unfortunately, I did not understand. Since this is a very murder mystery type story, I compared it to Sir Conon Doyle’s style. I notice one large difference: I couldn’t figure out how the murder was committed.
Characters: You obviously have one major character, which just by the way his thoughts are arranged he is a little erratic and flamboyant. I really like that. Something I would have liked more would be more interaction. While his thoughts did display his personality, I don’t think I really know him. You described his physical appearances, but it would have been nice if you showed us more of persona? Does he furrow his brow at a conundrum? Does he roll his eyes in sarcasm? A really good way you could have developed the character further would be to have interaction with the second detective. Unfortunately you did not describe any of the other characters so I cannot comment on them. I do however like this rather ambitious (if vague) character.
Grade: G

20-Jul-2010 18:53:46

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Your Description was rather lacking. While I do believe you used good words for the main character, everything else seemed to be left in the dust. You described little if nothing of what the scenery looked like. Describe the room he was in, or what the body looked like, or even one of the photographs. This would be a great moment to put some emotion for the reader, letting them know what kind of environment the main character was in. I would probably describe a body like that to be pale white, almost in a dreamless trance, seeing how there were no markings on her body. While you’re timeline and clues projected a different kind of writing it is not one I would recommend. It felt very plain. You should definitely keep the timeline but in the future combine the clues into a well written paragraph with flowing description.
Grade: A

The plot was literally a conundrum for me. Writing this review, I don’t know what to make of it. If you have the time to respond to this review, please tell me why all those details were important for the murder. If this story would make sense for me, I would probably grade it higher than what it is, but even when you write a mystery story, you always want to make sure the reader comprehends the message at the end. It can still be baffling in the middle, though. I don’t even know if the detective or Sir Tiffy was the murderer. There are also some plot holes, like the singing spoons. While that is a good idea you thought up, I don’t think it would be very realistic to an actual scream. I would like to comment more, but I can’t until I get more of an idea on the story.
Grade: B
Your spelling and grammar was good, there were only a few times when several words were repeated and interrupted the flow of the story.

“My brown hair stood on ends”
~’end’ instead of ‘ends’ probably would have sounded better.

20-Jul-2010 18:54:38

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“I was just about to ask for a clue, as I saw the time line for the crime again.”
~This sentence feels cut off. I assume from the unnecessary comma.
You Timeline also had some bad grammar as well, but I am assuming it is because you wouldn’t it to seem like a simplistic timeline. I wouldn’t recommend this.
Grade: A

In terms of Vocabulary I would say you had some well placed words, such as foreboded, and engulfed, but at times it sounded rather simplistic. What I think this story needs is more depth. You have about one well placed higher class word per paragraph on average, but things like “Detective School” should really be replaced with something better. You are writing the mind of a 217 IQ Detective, so you really have to convey to us that he really is that smart, and a good way to accomplish that would be to increase his vernacular.
Grade: A
Conclusion: I did enjoy reading this story but as I said the impact was severely hurt from my lack of comprehension. If anything you should definitely focus next time on a smoother flowing story, as well as creating a more well-rounded character. I am sorry to say you have not been accepted into the Guild of Unique Authors.

20-Jul-2010 18:54:50

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
G Shamshir:

I felt this story contained lots of emotional connections, as well as some nice description. What I liked was your plot twist at the end but I feel it needs a little more justification, but I’ll talk about that in the plot section.
You really had one character and a bunch of supporting characters. These supporting characters are vital towards your story so you want to create as much life in them as possible without overpowering Marcus. Found that Marcus’s emotions were sometimes a little unrealistic at times. Why did he say he would resent killing them but showed no compassion for his friends? I know this is probably because of his love for Elizabeth, but you really should’ve showed that more. Try describing what happens whenever he thinks of her, or what he would do for her, of what you have already shown. And you mention that he would’ve have allowed the amateur to survive, but he was so keen to masterfully murder his friends? Things like this make a character feel less human and more robotic, like he is a fictional character, which is what we should try to avoid.
In the future try to establish more of a human quality with your main character. It makes us care, and we feel connected when he or she goes through intense moments.
Grade: A

20-Jul-2010 18:55:44

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Description was your strongest category. You set the scene well, with a dreary setting of a deserted street. I felt it was well placed. You also achieved good, though probably not as well, on your description of the events that occurred. The only thing that was lacking in this department was your description of the characters. I have no clue what Marcus looks like, or what he is wearing. The only character you did describe was Elizabeth, of which you supplied us with the bare minimum. That being said, I enjoyed the mood you set for everything else, so I will be lenient. In the future I would just recommend using more description. Try to think about the five senses when you write, and incorporate that to your story. You don’t have to use them all but that’s a good guideline. You mentioned the taste of blood, but was the stench of the sewers broiling up onto the streets? This is a category were you really need to let your imagination soar.
Grade: G

20-Jul-2010 18:55:56

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This plot was captivating for me, though at times I did feel myself questioning the scenario Marcus was in as unrealistic. While this story is not cliché, this guild strives for uniqueness that is something you really need to show in your application. I liked the plot twist at the end (actually two plot twists because I thought it was Elizabeth that died) but I did not like how you set it up. Something that I am not a huge fan of (and readers have discouraged since the time of Greek plays) is Deus ex Machina, which literally means, “God from the machine”. I don’t like plot twists or endings to come as a huge surprise, because that adds to the unrealism. That’s were the great tool of foreshadowing can come to play, but you can even explain why the things in your plot occurred. You don’t have to say how the girl that shot Marcus was, but at least tell us why she was there and not make us assume it was out of the blue. Deus ex Machina use endings that somehow rescue the hero in a somewhat randomly lucky way. While you did*’t demonstrate this, just be careful next time with your plot twists, so they can be done tastefully.
Grade: A

To be blunt, your spelling here was riddled with mistakes. And all of them were careless errors that could’ve been simply avoided with a quick spell-check, even from a Word Processor. I counted over thirty-two simple grammar and spelling mistakes, which I’m sure you would’ve have noticed with a re-read.
“"Why the hell did they have to take this assighnment.",”
~You spelled assignment wrong. As well the comma should replace were the period is in and there should be no second punctuation mark after the quotation. In fact, you did this after every dialogue.
“Save for the glow of a full moon the streets of Dresden were unusualy dark that night, as though the city itself could taste blood in the air and had somehow shrunk back out of fear."

20-Jul-2010 18:56:25

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