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I posted the continuation of where my last thread died on pages 38-40, 45-46. Those are chapters 22 and 23.
As far as the rewrite, it's only through post six.

02-Jun-2011 00:19:44 - Last edited on 02-Jun-2011 00:22:41 by Chuk

02-Jun-2011 06:33:20

Enjoy your travels! I expect to have a bit up by the time you're back. If not, feel free to tar and feather me or some such.

03-Jun-2011 00:30:56

""Some of your sentences attribute action in peculiar and detractory ways. When you say that the black ships "discharge smaller landing craft" in post two, it does not say as much as if you were to say that the smaller landing craft were leaving the boat for some mission. This gives you the opportunity to add a bit of a past and give license for apprehension among the audience. "
-- I'm not sure I understand the difference you're trying to point out between my phrasing and yours."
I'll try to make it a bit more clear.
What you say is a simple active verb phrase, which means that it doesn't provide any insight into the action. It simply explains that it happened. I think it would be better to, at certain not infrequent instances, change the phrasing to allow for the more explanatory clause. For example: "small landing craft, descended from the bows of the great, black ships, began the journey to the shore, their smoke-billowing towers paying tribute to their macabre mission."
I can't recall the exact context of the discharge of these vessels, but that does more, I think, to set the scene and explain the circumstances.
I note you said that you didn't particularly want to set the scene in the introduction, however, and, whilst I disagree with the logic behind it, I can respect your decision as the author. If you wish to have a more vague introduction, your style fits with far greater ease than my suggestion's.
On the topic of the boy's emotions/crying/pain, I understand the rationale behind your decision, and I think that you have the right pathway in mind. You might be going a bit too zealously about the task of explicating the differences in his pain levels. Honestly, if I broke my ankle, it would hurt enough for me to be screaming in pain for a long time, not simply some thirty second interval while my mother tries to get me to leave.
You might think of a different way of explaining that his pain is searing as opposed to a passive throbbing.

04-Jun-2011 23:26:24

04-Jun-2011 23:27:01

Having you actually write out a possible replacement sentence was immensely helpful on that point. Thanks.
And it is also helpful to know that the whole pain issue could be approached in a different way for greater understanding. Thanks for your response (again).

05-Jun-2011 08:43:40 - Last edited on 05-Jun-2011 08:44:53 by Chuk

05-Jun-2011 08:48:50 - Last edited on 05-Jun-2011 08:49:16 by Yrolg

05-Jun-2011 08:49:27