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Echoes of the Gods
Quick find code: 49-50-885-60972658
I just read the prologue and I LOVED it. I hate when people write stories about RuneScape, but this one felt like it wasn't even related. It was just so realistic, and your flow is amazing. I found a few errors, but small ones that you'll be able to fix in no time.
"His mother sighed, but with a smile on her face, and picked him up, cradling his young body against her bosom." - Page 2, Post 8, Paragraph 9.
This is a bit awkward, it probably needs some rewording. Also, if the mother is picking Aletayr up, she can't really cradle him against her bosom, because her bosom is her butt. Your best bet is either using the word 'chest' or 'bust.' Bust sounds more provacotive, so I wouldn't use that.
"Even >h<is young mind understood that it wanted to avoid anything that made his mother cry." Page 2, Post 9, Paragraph 1.
I'm just saying that you forgot the 'h' in 'his.' Nothing big, but I'm sure you'd like to fix it.
ALSO... you forgot a period at the end of post one on page two.
All in all, I loved the prologue and I'll be reading the first chapter sometime soon. I was impressed.
"His mother sighed, but with a smile on her face, and picked him up, cradling his young body against her bosom." - Page 2, Post 8, Paragraph 9.
This is a bit awkward, it probably needs some rewording. Also, if the mother is picking Aletayr up, she can't really cradle him against her bosom, because her bosom is her butt. Your best bet is either using the word 'chest' or 'bust.' Bust sounds more provacotive, so I wouldn't use that.
"Even >h<is young mind understood that it wanted to avoid anything that made his mother cry." Page 2, Post 9, Paragraph 1.
I'm just saying that you forgot the 'h' in 'his.' Nothing big, but I'm sure you'd like to fix it.
ALSO... you forgot a period at the end of post one on page two.
All in all, I loved the prologue and I'll be reading the first chapter sometime soon. I was impressed.
15-Apr-2012 16:08:39 - Last edited on 15-Apr-2012 16:11:23 by Areno3
Thank you both for reading. Coming back to find new posts always makes my day, and even more so since it'd been such a long time since anyone's read.
And then this,
From the dictionary site:
Bosom:
1) the braest of a human being.
2) the braests of a woman.
3) the part of the garment that covers the braes*.
4) the braes*, conceived of as the center of feelings or emotions.
Just so ya know.
(And if you can't figure out what 'braes*' is, I'm sorry.
)
And then this,
From the dictionary site:
Bosom:
1) the braest of a human being.
2) the braests of a woman.
3) the part of the garment that covers the braes*.
4) the braes*, conceived of as the center of feelings or emotions.
Just so ya know.
(And if you can't figure out what 'braes*' is, I'm sorry.
)
17-Apr-2012 05:59:07 - Last edited on 17-Apr-2012 06:06:21 by Chuk
So long since I've posted here, hope you didn't believe i'd forgotten about you. Good luck on any additions you're writing.
Will be checking back in more often
.
Will be checking back in more often
.
28-Apr-2012 22:30:17
Bump, don't let this die Chuk
, only thing that keeps me coming back to the stories section.
, only thing that keeps me coming back to the stories section.
25-Jun-2012 13:52:55 - Last edited on 25-Jun-2012 13:53:09 by Graydon
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