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Echoes of the Gods

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Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

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It's as fun an introduction to a story now as it was when I first read it, all those years ago, Chuk. The storm imagery is fantastic.
One little thing I noticed: references both to garbage bins and doctors seem a bit anachronistic to me in a fantasy setting. There was also one sentence where you used semi-colons like commas, a stylistic choice that (for me) didn't work as well as it could have.
Still, good stuff.

25-May-2011 07:26:42

Chuk

Chuk

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What would you recommend instead of doctors, Poller? I had the same problem, but I couldn't think of a proper synonym.
Healers? That's the only other thing I got, but I think doctor describes the job better, as they're not healing using magic or herbs.

27-May-2011 10:21:50 - Last edited on 27-May-2011 10:22:26 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

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Yeah, I'll consider that. Thanks.
Upon further thought, I'm not sure 'physician' would suit, simply because of its awkward pronunciation. I use 'doctor' at least a few times in dialogue where physician would be a bit of a mouthful, in my opinion. So something easier for a young kid to pronounce would be ideal. :P

28-May-2011 20:52:09 - Last edited on 29-May-2011 14:13:53 by Chuk

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

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Looks good so far - though it seems you changed quite a bit.
I did notice one tiny little thing you might change, page 2 post 5: "Clutching his bleeding face, tears streaming down his face, he wobbled to his feet." - saying face twice seemed a bit repetitive there is all.
Perhaps "Clutching his bleeding, tear streaked face, he wobbled to his feet."
But like I said, that's tiny, lol.
Do you have the rest of this written and are just rewriting for editing sake, or are you seriously changing the original plot?
J/w.
-Logan

28-May-2011 21:48:06

Chuk

Chuk

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Not changing the plot, other than to fix inconsistencies and holes and whatnot. The main plot will stay the same, just hopefully become more cohesive.
It's mainly to bring the writing up to my current quality, since the original piece would have been pushing four years old, now, and my ability has improved in my opinion.
And thanks for pointing out the face thing. I definitely try to avoid that sort of repetition/redundancy as much as I'm able.

29-May-2011 11:43:00 - Last edited on 29-May-2011 14:11:56 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

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Yrolg, here's some questions/comments regarding your posts"
Firstly, I chose not to describe the setting, as it plays no further role in the story, so I thought it would be unnecessary description. I tried to use the storm both to set the mood, and to try to introduce the conflict without dropping right into the middle of the action. (Not to mention, I may have a bias for introductions involving wind after reading the Wheel of Time.)
-- -- -- --
"Some of your sentences attribute action in peculiar and detractory ways. When you say that the black ships "discharge smaller landing craft" in post two, it does not say as much as if you were to say that the smaller landing craft were leaving the boat for some mission. This gives you the opportunity to add a bit of a past and give license for apprehension among the audience. "
-- I'm not sure I understand the difference you're trying to point out between my phrasing and yours.
-- -- -- --
Good guess on the boy's age. At least I conveyed that well enough. I would agree that I either need to make his injuries less grievous or find some different way to introduce the horse. And regarding the horse, I'm sorry you regard it as pointless. By illustrating Aletayr's resolve to get it, I was hoping to show that it is anything but.
As far as the screaming/whimpering goes, the whimpering is intended as evidence the general state of fear/constant lower levels of pain he's in for nearly the entire passage. The screaming is simply when for a various reason, the pain he feels from his injuries increases.
Say you just broke your ankle. Just sitting there, it hurts, but not as bad as when it first happened. You might be groaning or something, but you're not screaming. Then some ignorant ass comes along and kicks your leg. It sends a completely fresh wave of intense pain across your ankle. I would assume you'd be much closer to screaming after that kick, than in the general state of pain.

29-May-2011 13:59:12 - Last edited on 29-May-2011 14:10:50 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

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It's meant to be the same sort of transition with the screams for Aletayr. When the pain is sharp and intense, he screams. When it's just lingering there in the background, he's whimpering. Therefore, the screaming isn't actual an emotional state. Just an automatic reaction of the body to the level of pain he feels.
Now, that's not to say I didn't overuse whimpering or switch back and forth to much, but he's pretty much only in one emotion the whole time: fear, and that stays fairly close to the same level, with one, maybe two exceptions.

29-May-2011 14:10:27

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