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Echoes of the Gods

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Yrolg

Yrolg

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I'm not sure I fully understand why I'm only reading six posts, but I'll try to figure it out when I'm not in such a hurry. Perhaps there's a very key post somewhere that I haven't had the chance to read yet.
Nevertheless, this is now profiled.

17-May-2011 21:00:02

Chuk

Chuk

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Six posts are all that's posted, so there's nothing else to read. ^_^
Obviously, you won't be able to give much detail on what you think of the plot since it's hardly been introduced, but I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on how engaging the opening is, how the dialogue thus far works, and anything else you think might be appropriate.

17-May-2011 21:25:47 - Last edited on 17-May-2011 21:38:03 by Chuk

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I thought that the beginning was a bit untelling. It was a lot of words, but I've gone through it three times now and I have yet to see anything that really happened. It just seemed like you were having a lot of fun describing the tempest, but you didn't tell us anything of import. I would have preferred to have noticed the progress of the storm through the greater lens of learning about the land. Describing the effects on the ghetto was a step in the right direction, but even that was a bit too vague. You took a lot of poetic license in the introduction, and I would have preferred it if you put a few clues as to the setting in there, too. Add another layer of depth, so to speak.
A good example of where you could improve with little work is in the second post, first paragraph. When you begin talking about the eastern coast, and the storm's destination, you should have provided a bit more background information on what that means. What is the eastern coast -- industrial, vacational, sparsely inhabited? Then you could have described the scene instead of merely the action.
Sometimes it seemed like you had awkward word choice. I wasn't fond of "quailed", "sated", etc. Also, when I think of a ghetto, and especially after you validate it through descriptions like "poorly thatched roofs", I do not think of structures too strong for air alone. Adding some definition to the buildings will make seem more deep and will share with the audience the vision that you're obviously having.

21-May-2011 02:42:43 - Last edited on 21-May-2011 17:37:19 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Some of your sentences attribute action in peculiar and detractory ways. When you say that the black ships "discharge smaller landing craft" in post two, it does not say as much as if you were to say that the smaller landing craft were leaving the boat for some mission. This gives you the opportunity to add a bit of a past and give license for apprehension among the audience.
With regard to the boy, I don't know how old he is. He seems like he's five or six. Nevertheless, he's young, and a boy at that stage in life would not be able to persist after being woken up in the middle of the night and having glass shards embedded in his back and lacerated across his face that a small, pointless horse was important. He certainly would not have had the energy to force his uninjured mother to turn around, escape back into danger for a third time, and spend so long looking for the horse.
Aletayr also transitioned from whimpers to screams with far too great a regularity for my liking. I would have preferred a slower, more thoughtful transition between emotions, despite his age. When a child is that young and so thoroughly traumatized, the vacillation of emotions stops because it simply demands too much of the consciousness.

21-May-2011 02:43:28 - Last edited on 21-May-2011 17:38:29 by Yrolg

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