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Azigarath

Azigarath

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I suppose this makes me the first person to read the completed work, or at least the first person to read and post about it. What I like about the story is the development of the narration, or I think there's some development.
For example, Callobridge (Maybe the name is intentionally similar to Coleridge?) seems to enjoy architecture more than human beings, and he doesn't like being 'trapped' as was the case in the carriage which he describes as a prison. He loves the baroque masterpiece that is the mansion, and other things like the panels and moveable infrastructure, so his own fondness and curiosity is his own downfall.
On page 6 and 7 there were a few censoring issues, and I can guess the words, but I'm not sure if I'm right.
Post 9 on page 3, the first sentence there capitalises the M but also the A on Madame Champeaux's name, so it's MAdame for the time being.
There were many lines that I really liked, something as simple as, "Ten minutes and fifty-eight stairs later," or as poetic as "When I shifted from this voyage of hopeful pessimism into the most unwanted return, I was in a state of such incapacitation that I wondered at the logic which had convinced me that a short rest would in any way alleviate my problems." that made the story have memorable moments.
Also, I think the 'which' after 'logic' should be 'that' but I'm too sure, so it's nothing serious.
Overall the story even feels like it was written in the late nineteenth century (or somewhere around that time), though it also feels like a Hemmingway-Poe crossover. What I found unusual is that the attitude of the narrator, at least for me, feels eerily similar to the narration of Belloc Kasper Czajkowskij, the protagonist and narrator of Cannibal's Lament, the story that did not quite reach the finale of your reviewing establishment from some years ago. Speaking of which, it turned out to be a good thing, seeing as I suddenly disappeared shortly after my application was posted.

16-May-2012 07:50:58 - Last edited on 16-May-2012 07:52:59 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

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Back to my thoughts on the story, I did conjure some background that may not be relevant to the story, but I did imagine Callobridge's father having been an architect that may have influenced his interest in architecture. I even assumed that same speculation for Madame Gusteau, as she would also need to have some knowledge about infrastructure to act as the murderess (or at least that's what I title her), but that's just me.
Well, I finished reading the story with sore eyes and a sleepy head, so that's my excuse if my comments are irrelevant or if I grasped something incorrectly, as your work does have an overload of words that sometimes makes my mind drift, which puts me at a disadvantage when tired. Honestly I did not catch what One Hot Stud was discussing about, so perhaps I should read this story again some other time.
I'm not sure why, but sometimes, when I read a story, other authors' names of the past pop into my head. How you made the story reminded me of Thomas Carlyle (If you ever get the chance, you should read his works if you have not before, I feel that you would like them, but no guarantee) and even Leonard Wibberley's style of first-person narration (I also feel that Wibberely may be an interest for you, unless you've already read his work of course).
I am not saying that there is anything identical between said authors, I'm just pointing out what I thought of during some reflection, a suggestion so that I don't feel useless.

Well, that's all for now, so until next time.
Actually, while I typed the above sentence, a large daddy long leg spider paid me a visit by way of falling from the ceiling and landing on my keyboard. Instead of killing the creature like most others, I blew it off and watched it prance along the carpet to its own business. Heh, moments like that greatly affect me in life. I was always attracted to such lowly creatures, unwanted articles that other people dislike, but for me they are living masterpieces.

16-May-2012 07:51:15 - Last edited on 16-May-2012 07:54:19 by Azigarath

Yrolg

Yrolg

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As always, Azigarath, your comments are welcome and astute! I very much appreciate your detailed feedback, and I'm pleased you grasped the Victorian styling of the piece. Overall, I did try to make it so that Callobridge's love of inanimacies trumped his appreciation for human life, making the ending ironic, in a sad sort of way. It was, by some accounts, a measure of his own emotional reticence that forced him to, in the end, befall that fate. I had not intended his father to be thought of, but I will say that you aren't wrong in thinking of him -- it was a thought that merely had not crossed my mind.
I had, for a time, contemplated expanding the history of Louis-Pierre and expounding the family du Morfique, but I didn't want the piece to drawl. Perhaps it is best suited for a different narrative. But I did appreciate your extrapolation on Madame Gusteau's father, as I had anticipated quite a thought on his character and his appreciation for business. It was my intent to illustrate that Callobridge looked up to Louis-Pierre very much, and admired his ability to remove emotional quibble from the conversation of observation. This is why I included my favourite (or second favourite, I can't decide) line of the piece -- "I am a businessman. I deal in the business of success. This is business" -- and emphasized it with such abruptness. It was the arrogance as much as the irony that spoke on the character of Louis-Pierre, and, therefore, on Callobridge.
Thank you for pointing out the typo, I'll go ahead in fix it. Please also know that I consider none of your comments irrelevant. I will, when I find time, do a bit of reading on the authors you suggested. I have, after all, made expanding my literary reach a priority for the summer.
Did you have any thoughts as to the plot of the piece? I wonder if the story's progression is smooth and the ending fitting to the entrance and middle pieces?

07-Jun-2012 01:25:26

Azigarath

Azigarath

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You're welcome and all, it's nice for some discussion to form. I was a bit worried that maybe I didn't catch something within the story, but it looks like my grasp on it is acceptable.
Hm, plot is a rather difficult thing to examine for me, and personally my own plots are having no focus on plot at all. Overall, I feel that the effect of the literature does leave a lasting memory for the reader, so that in itself is good enough for me. But, plot generally is about the beginning, the rising action, and the dénouement, so I think it's fair to have some thought about those three basic levels.
My thoughts of the beginning are, like every other time that I read a story, the building of the structure. The story unfolds seemingly focusing into a random aspect of someone's life, who begins the story with having no desire for further involvement, with some things about newspapers, the protagonist's view of dress and people, and overall an almost Kafkaesque scenario. The consistent quality of words is almost perfect, which was nice to read for me. As is in our modern times, contemporary novels are generally about the action and what is happening at the present, whilst your story does allow the reader to reflect upon life, past, present and future. For example, I was able to compare Callobridge with myself, whereas when I even glance upon a novel from the store (which are almost always about organized crime, violence amongst family, or adult content), there is a limited use of art to an extent that contemporary novels are below reality despite the authors' rewards of "Best-Seller". But back to the story, the beginning, at least in my opinion, starts the development accordingly for the story; there is nothing wrong with it.

07-Jun-2012 06:56:53

Azigarath

Azigarath

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Onto the middle, which feels like it begins upon the arrival of the manor, the story shows the reader more about the setting of the cli(c)max. The idea of moveable rooms and passages in old homes is nothing new, so I suppose this would be a cliché as it leads to the protagonist's demise and similar situations are seen in movies, though often the villains or antagonists are the ones who fall into the darkness, or when a main character befalls the doom, the character finds a way out often after the misfortune of the evil down there. Poe was one of the earliest advocates of dropping important characters into settings like that, such as in the Masque of Red Death or The Casque of Amontillado, so it looks like his elements are still not dying.
Well, before I end up blabbing too much, the end of the plot finalises into Callobridge's own end. The ending does feel abrupt, and the first thing that came to mind was, "What is the consequence of this? Why would Madame do that? What will be the output of this action?" Strange, that the story felt very real, but the end felt inhuman, a sudden change in mood that I did not expect. My only conclusion is that Gusteau is insane and there was something about Callobridge (which doesn't sound like a real surname, by the way) that triggered her to end him, though it is not mentioned if he does die. Gusteau mentions that he's not supposed "to go down there" so I am also wondering why she would say that. I can imagine that she's hiding a secret, or became powerful by way of manipulating wealthy men and getting rid of them, but I guess we'll never know.
Well, onto the next question, the story's progression as being smooth or not depends upon the taste of the reader. Personally, I did not find it the easiest thing to read and comprehend, but I was still able to imagine what was going on nonetheless. I suppose that if someone was not used to this kind of wording then perhaps it would not feel so smooth.

07-Jun-2012 06:57:08 - Last edited on 07-Jun-2012 07:10:24 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

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The ending is sudden and leaves the story unanswered, but then I ask myself, does the story need to be answered? Is there a question that was asked in the first place? I don't have an answer nor a question, and I feel that the end does fit, seeing as the very first sentence of the story foreshadows Callobridge's downfall. When Callobridge describes his carriage as a prison, and then his view upon the house, the story has a few hints that something is amiss. The age of the manor house also suggests that perhaps old entities have old rivalries, and when it is revealed that the place has moveable infrastructure, it is rather clear that there will not be a successful conclusion for Callobridge, but perhaps one for Gusteau.
Hm, look at that, I typed almost nine hundred words just to reply to two questions. I may be losing the ability to keep myself concise. My final thoughts would be comparing the story to a game of chess, as earlier I read a story by Yam that was about a chess game; the pieces move across the board, sometimes seemingly aimlessly, but there is always one final objective, to capture the king. So perhaps Callobridge is comparable to a king.
Well, that's all for now thankfully! Thank-you for making the story, it is an example of rare quality that is so hard to find nowadays.

07-Jun-2012 06:57:16

Yrolg

Yrolg

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It is true that the ending is abrupt, and this I intended it to be, but I did not mean for it to be inhuman. I had, in fact, intended for it to be the only true demonstration of Callobridge's emotions. I will definitely have to take a good, hard look at how I can improve that message.
I wonder if there is time in the story to make Madame Gusteau's inspiration clearer. While she is psychotic, the real reason I had her do these things was to conceal the secret that she had killed her father. The "deadly disease" of the Morfique house is, in fact, Madame Gusteau. I think that is a powerful metaphor, and perhaps it is important for me to emphasise it.
And I hadn't thought about the cliché of the house, but now that you've mentioned it I agree. I'll reread the story a few more times to see if the lack of originality impedes the message.
By the way, Callobridge is not a surname; it is a name I ripped off of Callowbridge Road in Burmingham, UK. I rather liked the connexion with "callow", which means now inexperienced but, in Old English, was derived from calu/calou meaning "bald". It is that mixture of sagacious naivete that I liked. To the extent that I can find, however, Callobridge has never been used before.

10-Jun-2012 17:23:31 - Last edited on 10-Jun-2012 17:47:31 by Yrolg

Azigarath

Azigarath

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Interesting, I have learned a few new things about the story that I don't think I would ever thought of. Comparing Gusteau as a 'deadly disease' certainly is a powerful metaphor. Personally I don't think that the idea of moveable passages disrupts the message, though I was thinking more about Callobridge's safety than Gusteau. But I'm sure you can devise a creative way of using mechanisms or contraptions to build on. But originality does seem to be a fickle thing, almost as if you have to go through every cliché first to become original, but ultimately I think only God knows what originality really is. But the name Callobridge does seem to be very close to unique in itself.
Clever way to make a character's name. I have done similar things, such as adding old words and names together to create a special name, such as the fictional title Enaedonaia which is a reference to the fleshy monsters of my stories, as it is a blend of 'enigma' and 'Adonai', or the name Katara which comes from a mispronunciation of cithara.
When I first thought upon the name Callobridge, what came into my mind was "Water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to drink." ^^

11-Jun-2012 00:34:23 - Last edited on 11-Jun-2012 00:35:06 by Azigarath

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