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¥ Lord Robert Callobridge ¥

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One Hot Stud
Feb Member 2017

One Hot Stud

Posts: 2,507 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Awwww, it cuts out before the fun part. =(
I finished reading this two days ago, but didn't feel like posting until now. Overall, I really liked it. (This is the part where you sigh in frustration and shake your head. Stupid lack of constructive criticism =p)
I'm fairly sure that you tried giving the feel of old classics, but despite the eloquence I'm not sure the desired effect was...effective. To me, it just seemed like you were using large words to make it seem old. This is coming from someone who has no idea how the bourgiousie (terribly spelled. That particular class of French citizens) spoke or how anyone spoke in that era, for that matter, but nonetheless, it just didn't fit right with me.
I also didn't like how you have it in nearly one giant block of text. Once again, I believe and/or think that this is intended to make it seem a bit more like a classic piece of literature (or perhaps the narrator preferred to format his thoughts into one giant slot), but had I not felt obligated through our trade-off to read it, I might have quit after the first post.
However, I'm glad I didn't. Once I got past the big words and the giant wall of deathtext, I found I understood the story perfectly and it to be captivating. The speech was long-winded and the narrator was unbelievable with his detail. He just rambled on and on in what I imagined to be a droll, elitist sneer. Those silly members of the lower class! They're so...dirty and uneducated. Despite my digression into another...erm, constructive criticism, I'd love for this to be continued.

tl;dr
It was rambling, overripe with vocabulary, eye-searing, and not a read for the majority of this board and their attention spans, but I loved it.
EDIT: My "miniview" jumps all over the place, but I'm leaving it. You're a writer with enough talent to understand what I'm trying to get at, and I'm a bit tired from working to try and rearrange it to fit into a more suitable outline.

14-Nov-2010 04:35:21 - Last edited on 14-Nov-2010 04:37:55 by One Hot Stud

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
That was fantastic! You gave feedback on a huge variety of aspects of this story. I'm very pleased with your feedback. :)
The only things I can say are: each post is it own paragraph. I never break a paragraph into multiple posts. Unfortunately, the size limitations on post make it hard for this to be apparent.
Also, you are quite right that I tried to write this in an antiquated style. I have trouble achieving that goal because the pre-Victorian Franco-English style I'm aiming for absolutely butchered English and punctuation. The inconsistencies with the style make emulation quite difficult. I'm glad you were able to decipher both what I was attempting and that you didn't think it worked.
I promise I'm still working on OHS's Emporium. I've been inexplicably busy this past week. The next two days, however, are empty, so you should have a response by then.
If you wouldn't mind, do you have any comments on the characters? You mentioned how snobby the narrator appeared (which is exactly what I intended), but what of Madame Gusteau or the stories of Louis-Pierre or Madame Champeaux?

14-Nov-2010 04:52:19 - Last edited on 14-Nov-2010 04:54:56 by Yrolg

One Hot Stud
Feb Member 2017

One Hot Stud

Posts: 2,507 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Madame Gusteau is not very nice. She intentionally made herself look like an old maid/wench and then sprung forth like a lily after the frost has melted. It may have been a test of character for our narrator, but I still see her a bit like how Callobridge saw her.
Champeaux (Sp?) seemed to me to be an aristocrat, but was one of those "underground" figures. A secret meeting hidden in an abandoned cellar of a factory as he talks to others. That sort of thing. I imagine him in a top-hat, although I'm not sure if top-hats were very popular at that time in France.
His wife was brought to image as a kind lady, simply because Callobridge actually liked her. If he admired her, then she can't possibly be that bad a person.
The stories were very descriptive despite your claims of the piece being completely unedited and they fit in as filler (as of now, it's not part of the main structure) but seamlessly.

21-Nov-2010 19:54:10

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I have managed to add about 1,500 more words to the story. I have also edited, for grammarian reasons, some of the first portion.
It is now extremely near completion. I will be posting the additions today.

22-May-2011 17:41:29

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