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NotFishing

NotFishing

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George Rozas said :
I think what Fish is trying to say, Azi, is that he doesn't want to be babied by random NPC number 7 who you introduced on a dime for no strong reason. He doesn't want to experience a long-winded speech from a man who dies literally seconds later, he wants to experience the roleplay naturally. Organically.

Yeah, this is my main issue. It just doesn't feel like natural dialogue for anyone to take the time to explain that, given all that is happening, and it also doesn't feel natural for Gary to stop and listen. There's nothing wrong with info dumps (if done right), it's just that it's generally not the best idea to have them in the middle of a fight, or when the protagonist is already overwhelmed with a ton of other issues.

Let's say this was happening in a movie. This is an action scene. In action scenes, everything is happening quickly, and if the characters talk, their lines are short and to the point. If you take the time to deliver long-winded exposition while the fight is still going on, it kills the pacing and detracts from the urgency.

On a side note, I am having fun writing this particular incarnation of Gary. Beneath the gold, the Bitter Steel.

25-Jan-2017 03:28:42 - Last edited on 25-Jan-2017 03:39:39 by NotFishing

Westenev

Westenev

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Okay, lets assume the area is woodland, and Alisha drove off a hundred or so meters from the brawl (a reasonable distance to break down and undergo a panic attack in relative safety, while also maintaining believably that two ninja knights and 'NANANANA-RATMAN!' could chase in haste).

By now, Alisha was hopping out of her car and calling out some stranger for messing up her car... all the while, mr Raised By Wolves is apparently 10 or so meters behind them, messily beating up some knights in some sort of unseen ninja-speed war. One dying ninja knight with ears as powerful as sonar overheard Alisha's comment - and, rather than doing whatever he was doing, decided to give a full length speech as he bled out.

Oh. Dare I mention his gorey demise in front of Alisha? That'll definitely make her day.

While I won't say there aren't elements here that COULD make a reappearance later (such as the origin of the knights, what they want, WHY THEY ARE HERE), I know these points probably won't be touched - which makes this info dump all the more grating. Not to mention, I'm not exactly in a position to allow Alisha to even take any of this information in. O_o She's a teenager from a small town, not a damn war veteran.

Speaking of how I write Alisha, are her posts okay-ish so far?
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25-Jan-2017 05:08:20

Westenev

Westenev

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Original message details are unavailable.
“That Koray is not with us, he did not appear from the portal that stole us. Look at his left wrist, the mark of the Koray is there, and it is also on your own wrist,"

Original message details are unavailable.
Appearance:
Alisha's Koray mark can be found just below the left hip.

Do we chalk this up to blood loss and ignore it as mad ramblings, or am I in the wrong? (I'm NOT proposing an edit, since I like to consider anything posted as canon).

'ello Annie.


Original message details are unavailable.

Each magical baby will have a birthmark on them, which is the mark of the Koray people. It will appear on their left wrist. It is a sideways 8 with a dot on the top and bottom.

HUH. Well. That's embarrassing.
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25-Jan-2017 05:44:05 - Last edited on 25-Jan-2017 05:46:01 by Westenev

Westenev

Westenev

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The pop sensation, "I need a hero", may well need to be adopted as Alisha's theme song.

Honestly, the way this intro is turning out, I wouldn't be surprised if Alisha turned into an emotional cripple with PTSD for the rest of the thread. O_o
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25-Jan-2017 06:21:36 - Last edited on 25-Jan-2017 06:23:15 by Westenev

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