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Time to over design a zeppelin so that it isn't a bomb-toting mobile spotlight
target
like the real world equivalent. Maybe an exposed outer deck with cannons/mortars (or an aircraft bay) might do the trick?
Noth
ing
inte
rest
ing
happ
ens.
03-Jun-2016 03:48:26 - Last edited on 03-Jun-2016 03:49:57 by Westenev
Pinchcapa said to pinchstein in a whisper
,"Ok I will tell her."
She went to Annie and told her to access Pinchasuma's finances. She said in a
whisper,"you got it."
She was access Pinchasuma's finances when she heard the
SECURITY ALERT
.
She said,"dam it!
How did they know I am out of my cell and in here? I found it." She made it look like Pinchwald was still in the room and using the computer that someone came in they won't know what they're up to and think Pinchwald was still on the computer. She caught the plasma pistol that
pinchstein
thrown to her. That's when she stood up and She said in a calm
voice,"all
ready to fight." She aimed her gun at the door ready to fight.
Pinchcapa on the other hand was worried that Annie will get hurt or get killed. She said to Pinchstein,"I don't think it's good idea for her to fight. I think she should hide because when they come in here they won't see her and think she went for more testing. Then we can finish what we are doing. What do you think she should do Pinchstein?"
Now Annie felt very confuse what to do. She wanted to fight but she understood what pinchcapa was saying. She was also feeling tired to from what she went threw. She thought about it for a few minutes and said in a whisper,"I am going to fight with you guys."
*Taken for ITV*
Annie: There are a few things that I would like to address to you, as a fellow writer. While I have been known to make a few typos here and there, you make typos far more frequently than I do.
Also, your posts are consistently short. Let me start off with the typos before I get into your posting.
Annie, There are consistent typos in your posts. First off, His name is "Doctor Pinchenstein." Not "Doctor Pinchstein." Secondly, you always capitalize a proper noun, such as a name. There are several instances of not adding a space in between the last word and the beginning quotations. Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy!
Pinchcapa on the other hand was worried that Annie will get hurt or get killed. She said to Pinchstein,"I don't think it's good idea for her to fight. I think she should hide because when they come in here they won't see her and think she went for more testing. Then we can finish what we are doing. What do you think she should do Pinchstein?"
Now Annie felt very confuse what to do. She wanted to fight but she understood what pinchcapa was saying. She was also feeling tired to from what she went threw. She thought about it for a few minutes and said in a whisper,"I am going to fight with you guys."
*Taken for ITV*
Annie: There are a few things that I would like to address to you, as a fellow writer. While I have been known to make a few typos here and there, you make typos far more frequently than I do.
Also, your posts are consistently short. Let me start off with the typos before I get into your posting.
Annie, There are consistent typos in your posts. First off, His name is "Doctor Pinchenstein." Not "Doctor Pinchstein." Secondly, you always capitalize a proper noun, such as a name. There are several instances of not adding a space in between the last word and the beginning quotations. Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy!
03-Jun-2016 05:31:59
Thirdly: when referencing what somebody said, you do not use the double quotation marks, you use the single quotation marks. Instead of saying 'She said,"dam it!"' say ,"Damn it!" Annie said, and add a brief add-on. Spruce it up by adding something like" Annie felt the pressure and the panic of being pursued. Sweat was streaming down her face from her forehead. Also you used the wrong spelling of "Damn." A 'dam' is a wall that is used to hold back water, like the Hoover Dam in the Western USA.
Technically you were supposed to use the single quotation marks at the part where you referenced the robot's monotonous 'SECURITY ALERT!!'
" Now Annie felt very confuse at what to do" This phrase has only one error in it. You are supposed to use the word 'confused' not 'confuse.' The reason being that 'confuse' is in a different tense. Present tense, if you are curious, whereas you are using past tense. This creates an oddity in you sentence.
'I think she should hide because when they come in here they won't see her and think she went for more testing. Then we can finish what we are doing. What do you think she should do Pinchstein? "'
This sentence seems alright, Doesn't it? WROOOOONG!!! There are two things wrong that I can see: You forgot the beginning double quotation marks in the sentence, and you forgot the comma between 'here' and 'they.'
Let's go back up a few spaces to the part where Pinchcappa was feeling worried about the situation that Annie was in. You said 'Pinchcappa on the other hand was worried that Annie will get hurt or killed.' First off, you need a comma between 'Pinchcappa' and 'on. And another comma between 'hand, and 'was.' Again you made a change in tense- you went from past tense to present tense when you used the word 'will' It is important to use the same tense. I have no idea why, it's just a weird English rule to me. Instead, you should use the word 'would.' Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy!
Technically you were supposed to use the single quotation marks at the part where you referenced the robot's monotonous 'SECURITY ALERT!!'
" Now Annie felt very confuse at what to do" This phrase has only one error in it. You are supposed to use the word 'confused' not 'confuse.' The reason being that 'confuse' is in a different tense. Present tense, if you are curious, whereas you are using past tense. This creates an oddity in you sentence.
'I think she should hide because when they come in here they won't see her and think she went for more testing. Then we can finish what we are doing. What do you think she should do Pinchstein? "'
This sentence seems alright, Doesn't it? WROOOOONG!!! There are two things wrong that I can see: You forgot the beginning double quotation marks in the sentence, and you forgot the comma between 'here' and 'they.'
Let's go back up a few spaces to the part where Pinchcappa was feeling worried about the situation that Annie was in. You said 'Pinchcappa on the other hand was worried that Annie will get hurt or killed.' First off, you need a comma between 'Pinchcappa' and 'on. And another comma between 'hand, and 'was.' Again you made a change in tense- you went from past tense to present tense when you used the word 'will' It is important to use the same tense. I have no idea why, it's just a weird English rule to me. Instead, you should use the word 'would.' Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy!
03-Jun-2016 05:58:36 - Last edited on 03-Jun-2016 19:24:00 by Pink 4 Twink
Finally, Annie, your posts are consistently short. The reason being because you do not add descriptions of what you character is seeing, hearing, feeling. You do not describe what her body is doing, and you do not describe external triggers and how they affect young Annie Wells, AKA: you.
How do you expect to become a better writer when you do not challenge yourself? I look at what you wrote and I am left with the feeling that you rushed your post. I can go even further by suggesting that you really might not even care about what you write.
So Just a few tips before you continue.
1) Be sure to describe what Annie is feeling, how her body feels, what she is seeing, what she is hearing. Is she panicked? Is she starving? examples like that. and be sure to add in how these situations make her feel.
2) Be on the lookout for your typos. You should have learned, early on, that every word needs a space between the new word and the last word.
3) Pay attention to the tense that you use, otherwise your sentence sounds odd. You can google how to use present and past tense. You name it, and the internet will show you how to use it.
4) Try not to get upset at me, I'm trying to help.
Tooteloo, Annie! ^-^ Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy!
How do you expect to become a better writer when you do not challenge yourself? I look at what you wrote and I am left with the feeling that you rushed your post. I can go even further by suggesting that you really might not even care about what you write.
So Just a few tips before you continue.
1) Be sure to describe what Annie is feeling, how her body feels, what she is seeing, what she is hearing. Is she panicked? Is she starving? examples like that. and be sure to add in how these situations make her feel.
2) Be on the lookout for your typos. You should have learned, early on, that every word needs a space between the new word and the last word.
3) Pay attention to the tense that you use, otherwise your sentence sounds odd. You can google how to use present and past tense. You name it, and the internet will show you how to use it.
4) Try not to get upset at me, I'm trying to help.
Tooteloo, Annie! ^-^ Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy!
03-Jun-2016 06:12:09
Ok writing up a new RP well something I did before. The concept of playing a game and getting sucked into it with a twist.
Ik this kind of concept can work if it is done write. I have several ways of keeping it from getting bland some interesting concepts like a main plot is to beat the final boss and so that everyone can leave the game.
While making twelve other character you have to beat before hand. Each of these twelve you beat the game changes adding something new.
Example kill the first boss, you go from a medieval fantasy then when you beat the first boss world will change adding something new. Like adding flying ships, gunpowder weaponry, dragons, Adding oceans making you have to use boats to get to the next boss and what not.
A rp that evolves as you go would be cool in my opinion.
Ik this kind of concept can work if it is done write. I have several ways of keeping it from getting bland some interesting concepts like a main plot is to beat the final boss and so that everyone can leave the game.
While making twelve other character you have to beat before hand. Each of these twelve you beat the game changes adding something new.
Example kill the first boss, you go from a medieval fantasy then when you beat the first boss world will change adding something new. Like adding flying ships, gunpowder weaponry, dragons, Adding oceans making you have to use boats to get to the next boss and what not.
A rp that evolves as you go would be cool in my opinion.
and nothing was spoiled
03-Jun-2016 06:20:01
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