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† The Spite of the People †

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[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sorry about being unproductive recently. It isn't that I've lost the urge to write or anything, but between everything else it's been difficult to get much done. I have a few more adds written up, but I can't post them until I revise the first one. Anyway, adds will be coming much more frequently once I get 99 fm on Hudsonstorm. I've always wanted to get one 99 skill and I'm so close that it's taking up most of my RS time. ;)

15-Feb-2011 17:40:17

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
After eating, Athos planned to stay the night in Jenke’s home. Tired from his journey, Athos immediately sprawled out upon the bed, sighing as he relaxed. Across the room, Jenke sat at a roughly-made wooden table, reading from a book. Athos let his body get comfortable for a moment, but then sat up when Jenke continued to read.
“Elder?”
“Hm?” Jenke responded, slow to look up from his book.
“I had a question I thought you would be able to answer. That is, if you aren’t busy,” said Athos.
Jenke finally looked up from the book and then closed it, turning his attention to Athos.
“I’ve always wondered, but never asked,” Athos began. “Why aren’t we considered humans? I mean, the Ammon clan. In Varrock, it was always an issue whether or not humans should be with people from the Ammon clan. But, except for blood, what’s the difference between our races?”
Jenke looked up at the ceiling briefly, appearing to be considering how to word his response. It came a few seconds later.
“Well, Athos, you’re right in the sense that we are virtually identical, at least outwardly, to the race of humans,” Jenke answered. “According to the legends of our clan, though, we’re descended from demonic mages of ancient times. I’ve always assumed that they were much like we are, as in human-like. But with this blood in our lineage, the Ammon clan has notoriously had a sense of pride in itself. Maybe once in the past we were grouped together with humans, but our clan pride caused us to think we were better than them and thus classify ourselves differently. It’s certainly possible, I think. Plus, with the way our clan has historically felt it was wrong to marry with different races, in order to keep the bloodline pure, we may have divided ourselves that way as well.”

19-Feb-2011 17:21:09

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Athos nodded, satisfied with the answer, but looked as if he had another question.
“Elder, please don’t take offense at this, but… How come the--the Ammon clan here mixed with the natives?” Athos asked. “I know that you all are more than just tan. Some of the young kids are very dark-skinned.”
“Yes, it was only recently that this began,” Jenke responded. However, he didn't continue right away. Instead, his eyes floated back up to the ceiling as he thought over his response again. “Athos, sometimes in this world there are things more important than maintaining a certain bloodline.”
Athos looked at Jenke, surprised at his answer, and listened very closely as he continued.
“We once thought as a group, thinking of the whole Ammon clan and what would be best for it, rather than our selves,” said Jenke. “However, as time passed, we started to question the beliefs that our ancestors forced into us since the very first day of our births. We began to think more in terms of the individual, rather than the whole. Do you understand, Athos?”
“I’m not sure that I’m getting the point of what you’re telling me, Elder. We were forbidden to mix races not as a punishment, but to protect us from the harmful side-effects that the offspring inherit.”
“Yes, I see what you mean, Athos. I’ve often wondered about those side-effects, considering if they’re a curse to us or a blessing,” Jenke admitted. “I’ve never come up with a satisfying answer. But, the point I’m trying to make is that when you find the value in your own life, rather than in an image or reputation that we all as a clan have made for ourselves for so long, you think differently.”

19-Feb-2011 17:23:32

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“When you meet someone--someone of a different race--and you really grow to love that person… to find a desire to be with that person, you must make a choice. In the past, we would deny ourselves, the individual life, the pleasure of being that person’s 'chiebwem'--their ‘close one.’ But, when you find someone that fulfills you, gives you a sense of life--like your 'chiebwem'--and especially when you see others around you feeling the same things, you start to wonder if the ways of our ancestors are really the right ways.”
Athos nodded, expressing understanding. However, Jenke frowned and kept explaining.
“Do you remember that boy from earlier? Inthi? His father was a powerful warrior and a great community man for us, always first to do his part and never at all with a complaint about his work. One day many years ago, we discovered a wrecked ship just west of the village. The boy’s father--Linthan was his name--was the first out to aid those who may have survived. As it turned out, the ship had come from a Far West elf port and a very violent storm had caused them to crash right into our island. The only survivors were the daughter of the elf king of the west and ones of her guardians. After Linthan rescued them, he and the woman became nearly inseparable.”
“See, the ‘White Princess,’ as we called her, had a very deep bonding moment when she was rescued by Linthan. It’s something that words are not worthy to explain, nor can they truly recreate the feeling that sewed their hearts and souls together from that day on.”

19-Feb-2011 17:25:46

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Unfortunately, Linthan came upon a problem. According to the Clan-think that an Ammon should only be with another Ammon, Linthan and the White Princess could never be together. He was torn apart for many months by this, constantly unable to come to terms with this duty of his and his own feelings. Seeing him and the look in his eyes during those months, I could tell he was on the brink of suicide, just so that he didn't have to think about it any longer,” Jenke told Athos. “But, one day, he came up to us and just told us, ‘I’m done.’ He explained that he would never be able to accept both his loyalty to the clan and his love for the woman. He said that they were two irreconcilable acts, so he was going to do what was best for him alone. The next day, he and the woman disappeared.”
The old man breathed in deeply and sighed with a heavy expression before continuing.
“The lady came back a year later, but she was alone and on the edge of death. She carried a baby, the only son between her and Linthan, and asked us to take care of him for her. She told us that she and Linthan had been attacked by pirates and that Linthan had been killed. She’d barely gotten away, but there was nothing we could do for her. The wounds she had were too deep and large to be healed.”
“Inthi has been a blessing to us,* Jenke said, wiping a tear from his eye. “You would think we would follow Linthan’s lead right away and consider the things that he had, but it took seeing that child to finally wonder whether our old clan statutes were what was best for us. That boy has changed our entire mentality, making us value our lives more than just the clan image.”

19-Feb-2011 17:27:39

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Athos looked hard down at the floor, thinking over what Jenke had told him. His eyes showed him the face of Inthi upon the ground, whose own eyes looked away when met with his. The face faded when Athos realized it was there, and then he couldn’t make it return, no matter how hard he tried. After a moment, he gave up and laid back down upon the bed, still without a word to break the somber silence. More time passed and Athos’ eyes closed. Jenke then turned out the lantern and walked over to his own bed, slowly crawling in, and sleep fell amongst them.

19-Feb-2011 17:28:44

Fireheart449

Fireheart449

Posts: 1,028 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Finished Chapter 3. There's definitely a lot more depth in your story than a mere action adventure would have.
I feel so bad for Athos right now...first he loses Sabas and then Biron. :(
Just to clarify:
Athos is half-Ammon (from his mother's side) and a cousin to Zurik, who is a full-blooded Ammon, right?
Oh, short sentences are fine. I think it was mostly in the first chapter where you tried to cram too many phrases (or maybe just too many words) into one sentence.
Here's one example:
"With a quick reaction, Zurik caught him before he collided loudly with the floor and then guided him down. Then, he left the guard to die in his own cold blood on the floor, heading up the stairs that he’d been guarding."
Mini-clean up:
Reacting quickly, Zurik caught him before he collided with the floor and guided him silently down. Then, leaving the guard to die in his own blood, he headed up the now unguarded stairs.
So, basically, cut out some of the extra words. I mean, you could probably leave that until you finish the story since the writing is already so good.

20-Feb-2011 17:42:46 - Last edited on 20-Feb-2011 17:49:21 by Fireheart449

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