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† The Spite of the People †

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[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

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“Well, sir, there’s a rebellion going on in Varrock these days. Some of the people don’t like King Roald’s actions and want to overthrow him. The entire group they’ve formed has gotten really serious recently and still grows at a large rate. If-”

“Oh lord,” one of the elders muttered, interrupting him. Athos glanced over at the man and saw that he was shaking his head.

“What?” Athos asked.

“Don’t even start with me,” the old man replied as he reached for his pipe.

Athos watched the man briefly while he began to fill the little pipe.

Athos then continued, “If… Whenever the rebels decide to start their attack, the king will be evacu-”

“Why have you come here, son of Biron? Get to the point.”

“Sir, I came to the village because that fight will be impossible to win. As great as Varrock is, this rebellion force is too much. They were led first by Zurik, and now they have a leader who might be even more powerful!”

“Zurik, eh?” another of the council asked Athos. “Zurik of Varrock’s Ammon clan?”

“Yes, sir,” Athos answered. “Nowadays he goes by the name of Zurik Odracek, though. I have a feeling he chose to avoid confusion about the goals of his group by leading under a different name. See, his purebred arrogance overtook him one day several years ago and he began to hate any of our clan that married interracially. When King Roald passed laws legalizing marriages of these types, including the human-Ammon type that causes ‘The Plague,” Zurik began the rebellion."

11-Feb-2011 00:05:47 - Last edited on 16-Feb-2011 23:46:52 by [#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“What’s odd, though, is that after he launched an attack on the castle by himself, he was never seen again. He managed to kill a few guards on his own, including my brother, but got away and disappeared,” Athos continued. “The king suspects that the group’s new leader, a man by the name of Malik Ivanim, might have killed him to take his place.”

“Malik killed my father. I think he’ll do the same to Varrock.”

The council was quiet, having been listening intently to Athos. They sat still as they pondered his words, but the one who’d recently doubted him spoke again.

“Hm… So, because of a powerful rebellion in Varrock, led by a man even more powerful than your cousin, you’ve left the city and sought us out?” he asked. Athos thought for a second, then nodded with some obvious hesitation. The old man continued, but his voice rolled out with a shout. “Where is your god-damn pride, or did you leave your dignity back in Varrock too?!

The others turned their surprised eyes onto the man, watching as he suddenly stood up and continued bashing Athos.

“It has been disappointment after god-damn disappointment with each and every new generation, and the Varrock clan is even worse! Maybe this Zurik has a point, trying to get rid of the damn idiot half-wits like you who ruin and soil our name. I’ll be god-damned if you try to hide out here to save your wretched life and get your way! I’ll kill you myself!”

“That’s enough, Durhin!” Jenke commanded. Durhin stared angrily back at Jenke, with cold eyes, but sat back down after a brief moment of silence, retreating back into his smoking.

11-Feb-2011 00:07:36

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Regardless of the circumstances, we have a duty, as part of the same clan, to help Athos,” Jenke stated flatly to the group. He stood, waiting for an answer, but found himself ignored. The old men had all returned to the previous tasks, reopening their books and enjoying their smoking again. He frowned at them, his saggy chin drooping, then placed his hand back on Athos’ shoulder.

“Maybe later,” Jenke told him.

11-Feb-2011 00:08:20

Fireheart449

Fireheart449

Posts: 1,028 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Finished chapter 1!

I must say, this story's well-written, especially the varying sentence structure (it really helps with the flow).

There are a few awkward phrasings here and there that make the reader stumble a bit, but you can weed those out later.

Well...the chapter was more violent/bloody than I had expected (but I'm used to romance or light fantasy and I'm writing a comedy-adventure, so...basically, I'm a bit of a wimp. And I'm a girl [just to clarify 'cause my head is an empty black space with a question mark in it!]...not that girls can't be violent too)

Oh, but the battle scenes are really good! *jealous* Ahem, anyway, I shall continue to read and hopefully catch up...some time soon.

11-Feb-2011 21:19:03 - Last edited on 11-Feb-2011 21:19:44 by Fireheart449

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for the feedback, Fire! You might be glad to hear that the story does branch out into different genres rather than just plain action/fighting. You'll see some comedy and romance mixed in, although I'm not sure how good they are. ;)

I always do try to keep the flow going smoothly, but I have a weird way of structuring sentences sometimes that probably doesn't help. However, if your concern involves the short sentences separated from the other paragraphs like "That would be suicide," or something like that in the first chapter, I do that purposely. I know that sometimes readers have a tendency to rush through the stories and can hasten everything just a little bit. I put those in to try and establish a pace, but I also do not know how well they work.

11-Feb-2011 23:57:14

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Once outside, Jenke walked around with Athos. Their pace was slow with Jenke’s limp, but they didn't appear to be going anywhere specific.

“They’re the village council,” he told Athos. “They’ve become crabby in their old ages, but part of it too is the fact that they remain unopen to new ways of thinking.”

Athos looked over at Jenke, who turned his tired, gray eyes onto Athos’ own.

“I can’t promise that I can get their approval to offer you our aid anymore, after that wonderful visit,” Jenke continued, still moving along carefully with the guidance of his cane. “Perhaps I can speak with them another day and convince them otherwise, though.”

“Elder, don’t worry about it,” Athos replied. Jenke came to a stop immediately, turning instead towards Athos as he explained. “A Varrock guard can’t just leave the city without telling the king; it‘s illegal. I left because I wanted out. My family is dead. I was the only Ammon left in Varrock, half-blooded or not. By leaving, the rebellion has lost their main reasons to act against King Roald. It may not have been the most honorable way to do it, but it got the job done.”

Without warning, Jenke raised his cane and slapped Athos across the head with it. It flatly struck Athos and pushed him straight down to the ground.

“You would be a fool to think that a theory like that would work!” Jenke responded, returning his cane to his side. Athos looked up at him, seeing the anger in the old man’s eyes. “Not only was it dishonorable to do that, but you also turned your greatest ally into your enemy! Justice would have its way if you received no help from us!”

13-Feb-2011 05:22:14 - Last edited on 16-Feb-2011 23:41:46 by [#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Athos thought about Jenke’s words, gazing sadly at the elder’s worn-out boots.

“You should’ve acted differently in that situation,” Jenke continued. “Had you at least told your king where you were going, you wouldn’t now be counted as a traitor. Even if you really do plan on never returning, which you seem to be implying, you want men like the king on your side in this world. You reacted ridiculously to the deaths of your brother and father.”

Athos planted his face in the dirt.

“I’m sorry, Elder,” Athos apologized quietly without looking up.

“Get up, Athos. Quit acting like a child,” Jenke responded harshly.

“No, I deserve punishment. I acted upon sinful pride and let my selfishness take control of me,” said Athos softly, head still placed against the ground. “I don’t know how I can redeem myself. I’ve put my name to shame, sacrificed all respect for-”

“Athos!” Jenke shouted, with authority in his voice. “We have a visitor in our presence! Set a good example for the young and stop your babyish pouting.”

Athos opened his eyes, surprised, then raised his head from the ground. His face was dirty now as he met eyes with a young, fair-skinned boy. Despite the lack of color in the boy’s skin, Athos could tell he was an offspring of the village. He had the others’ dark, coarse hair that reminded him of rope, as well as the same style of clothing that the rest wore. Athos rose to his feet, wiping off his head, and then looked down at the boy, whose voice came quiet and a bit high-pitched.

13-Feb-2011 05:24:43 - Last edited on 16-Feb-2011 23:43:06 by [#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Um… My name‘s Inthi, sir,* the timid boy said, looking up at Athos for only a second before dropping his gaze back to the ground.

“Hello, Inthi. I’m Athos,” he replied, without receiving another glance from the boy. “I’m an Ammon just like you.”

Then Inthi looked up with surprise on his face, as if shocked to hear that Athos was from the same clan as him. It lasted only a second, though, before he quickly looked away and mumbled something before running off.

“Shy boy, huh?” Athos asked Jenke, as they began to walk again.

“No, not usually,” the old man replied. He smiled, saying, “You should’ve seen his mother. She spoke more in a single day than the entire council speaks in one full year!”

“You don’t get visitors much, then,” Athos commented.

The sun was setting beyond them, tucking itself comfortably into the horizon of the western sea. In the village, smoke was filtering out from between the tops and walls of the houses, occasionally rising inbetween loose twigs in the roofs themselves. A tangy scent of sizzling meat filled the entire area, as well as the fresh, but eye-watering, smell of certain roasting vegetables. With a deep breath, Jenke took in all of the aromas and began to salivate.

“Let’s head inside, Athos,” he said, already making his way towards a house. “Dinner is ready!”

13-Feb-2011 05:26:15 - Last edited on 16-Feb-2011 23:43:51 by [#L6BVCL43M]

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