forums.rs

Forums

† The Spite of the People †

Quick find code: 49-50-852-61289212

of 27
Looksavebee

Looksavebee

Posts: 334 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Your description has improved remarkably from your first chapter, so well done on that count!

Things seem to be getting a bit confusing at times, but I'm putting that down to your sentence structure. Give the ol' proofreading a dusting off. You'll catch some errors, too =P

It's gearing up nicely, though! Keep up the good work, Real!

01-Aug-2010 17:06:28

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The next morning, Athos was up before the sun was. In the darkness of his home, he shuffled around gathering various belongings. He carried them with him as he opened his door to leave home, and the sun shined in upon him. His face was stern, but oddly relieved, and he was in normal clothes rather than his guard armor. He did carry a sheathed sword upon his belt, but the only other thing with him was a sling-bag full of food. coins, and ingredients for his medicine.

He walked westward through the quiet streets of the city, looking around at all of the closed windows of people's homes, and thought silently to himself. The sky this morning was bleak, but the patches of fog that had surrounded the area during the pre-dawn time were clearing up with the sun's rising movement. It looked as if it could rain on this day; however, not even a light sprinkle fell yet.

When Athos reached the western gate-doors of the city, he realized that he would have to get past the border guards. Obviously, they would know him and stop him to find out where he was going. He looked around for alternative options, but it seemed that he would have no choice. He shifted his belt around to place his sheathed sword in a better position, then approached the gate.

Inevitably, he was stopped.

"Athos!" one of the guards said, instantly recognizing him. This man looked somberly at him, continuing with, "Where're you going? Are you feeling alright?"

Athos stopped before them and showed his pride, looking them in the eyes without a doubt in his mind about his actions. "I'm leaving. There's nothing for me here anymore."

"You can't leave!" the other guard exclaimed. "I.. We know what you must be going through right now, but you can't just give up and leave town!"

04-Aug-2010 19:13:54

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Athos, you're going to abandon your duty? The very way of life that you committed yourself to on your own sacred word?"

"There's nothing for me here," Athos repeated.

"You would be considered a traitor and a criminal if you left your post, Athos. We simply cannot let you get through here."

Athos' eyes opened wide and he glared at the guard. In an instant, his hand was on his sword's hilt, pulling it out with a quiet, shrill ring.

"You're going to kill us to get out, huh?"

"Don't push me."

The guard stood calmly, staying silent for a moment as he studied Athos' expression. The look in his eyes told him that Athos was serious, deathly serious. The guard saw this in his face, and couldn't help but frown in sadness.

"Atho*, what's happened to you?" the guard asked, expressing sincere concern. Athos loosened his grip on his sword, but still held it ready for a quick-draw just in case. "You had the most potential out of everyone else in the Guard. Heck, maybe even the entire city. You would've been captain for sure, maybe even colonel one day. I just don't understand it."

"No," Athos told him. "There's another person here who's much more dangerous than I could ever be. If I leave, I'll be the last of the Ammon half-bloods in Varrock. By going away, I can solve the conflicts here in the city between the Royal Family and the rebels. I have no choice."

The guard shook his head, his brown eyes full of worry. "No, Athos, I don't agree. Even if you leave, they'll still find something else to fight about. We *need* you here to help us, regardless of if you think you're the problem in the city. King Roald has put his faith in you, Athos. Don't walk out on us."

04-Aug-2010 19:14:25

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Athos and the guard maintained eye contact for a moment of tense silence, neither of them backing down in their opinions. However, one of them soon broke down.

"I guess I won't stop you, Athos. We'll let you leave, but we're going to report this to the King. Most likely, you'll be hunted down and captured, just to let you know," the guard told him, stepping away from the gate with his partner. Athos nodded and walked past them. "We'll give you until midday break. At that point, King Roald will be informed of your... defection."

"Thank you," Athos said to the both of them. Then he turned and began heading westward again, walking at his own brisk pace as if he had no worry in his mind at all about being followed. The two guards watched him go, and one sighed to the other.

"I never thought I'd see him do something like this," the guard said to his partner, who nodded in agreement. "Let's just pray that he's right about ending the troubles here, otherwise, we may have lost our last hope."

04-Aug-2010 19:14:41

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I purposely left out a lot of detail in the first chapter, especially about the character of Zurik and Varrock. For one, I wanted my first chapter to be all action-based, that way it could hook readers in. I didn't want them to start reading and stop for any reason until they finished the first half of it. I can't tell you how effective I was with it, but I tried my best to do so. :P On Zurik, he hasn't even really appeared yet in the story, so I didn't feel it was necessary to give the readers details on him yet. Then, Varrock... well, I used keywords like 'plaza,' 'castle,' and 'crowd' to create a picture in the reader's head.

But as far as the wording mistakes, do you have any examples? I always proofread my adds before I post them, and I fixed a few things, but it's difficult for me to really know what needs work. Since it's my own writing, I know exactly what I'm trying to get across. The way it translates to readers, well, I can't really see that. :P

And once again, thanks for sticking around with the story. I realize that I really only have about three readers, so it really means a lot to me that you're still active with it.

05-Aug-2010 01:33:01

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chapter Five: His Leadership Challenged

Even as the day passed on, the weather did not get any better. By midday, when the sun was at its peak and King Roald was just receiving the information about Athos Ammon's defection, pale clouds still filled the sky, holding back most of the light. Nearing the evening, it finally began to rain, starting at first in a small sprinkle of droplets but quickly developing into an all-out thunderstorm with cracking thunder and downpouring rain. The streets emptied quickly as soon as the storm came, and in those rushing crowds were Nic and Denir.

The two friends made their way quickly into the nearest cover, which happened to be a combination bar and inn. They sat down together at a table, laughing at how nearly soaked they'd been getting, and stayed their welcome by ordering fruit juices and shrimp.

Nic was happy again on this day, completely opposite of how angry he'd been around Malik the day before. Denir noticed this and felt excited about it. She was cheerful when he was, and wasn't when he wasn't.

"Nic," she said to him, reaching with her eyes to get his own gaze to her's. "Have you heard? King Roald keeps bears behind the castle. A friend of mine told me that."

"No way!" Nic laughed, smiling with her. "Is that really true? I should've known that old Ro-Bald-ing would do something like that."

Denir smiled and sat back to let the waitress place their food and drinks on the table. "Yeah, and apparently now he doesn't know how to get them back out into the Wild without having them enter the castle and eat all their food, so he keeps them locked up in a caged area hoping they'll die."

"And they haven't yet?"

06-Aug-2010 02:05:13

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"No," she laughed. "He could only manage to cage them in a certain area; that certain area being directly over an entrance to the sewers! Rats and all kinds of animals come up from the sewers and keep the bears alive as food."

"Well, why doesn't he just kill 'em from outside the cage?" Nic asked matter-of-factly as he stuffed several shrimp into his mouth. "Attack the problem at its roots, that's my life's motto. I read it off my shampoo bottle."

Denir laughed, unsuccessfully attempting to give him a confused face that quickly broke with another smile. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that he should either kill the bears like the ruthless and deranged king that he is," Nic responded. He then took a long drink of juice before continuing. "*Or*, he could kill himself and do all of us a favor. Hey, why aren't you eating, Denster?"

She glanced at the bowl of shrimp and her still untouched glass of grape juice and frowned a little. "I don't maintain this figure by eating that kind of food."

"What! Fish doesn't even have fat on it! And jui-! Juice is juice! It's impossible for it not to be healthy for you!"

Denir nodded and took a small drink from her glass, and then she looked back up at Nic. "It looks like the rain has stopped. Would you walk with me back home?"

Nic checked the windows for himself, glancing over to find in fact that there was no more rain. He then nodded to Denir and stood up quickly, offering his hand to her like a gentleman before she could get up. She smiled and took his hand. Then, after Nic left his payment for the food on the table, they left together back out into the wet streets of the city.

06-Aug-2010 02:05:53

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
That evening at sunset, just as planned, the meeting of the rebels began at their alternate hide-out just west of Varrock. As with their previous one, Malik stood up front to lead the gathering, which nobody had seemed to object to either time. This night was no different at first, but he had other ideas in mind as he began.

"With that said, I also believe that our group needs new leadership," Malik stated very straightforwardly, causing several eyebrows to raise. A few whispered between themselves questioningly about his remark.

"Is he serious?" one person asked another sitting beside him. "Zurik'll go mad if he comes back and finds that he's been replaced."

"Yeah, but I think he's being honest. After all, when does Malik joke around? He's not exactly Dunham or Nic."

"It seems like a lot of you are surprised that I would say this," Malik continued, scanning them all over with his green eyes. "It has been thirteen days since Zurik attacked the castle's guard unit directly by himself, before leaving Varrock in a self-imposed exile. He has not since contacted any of us at all, nor does he even seem to think of the group as such a high priority anymore. Therefore, I will be the first to state that I do not believe that Zurik deserves the title of leader anymore."

The room was quiet, everyone fully intent on Malik's words.

"In addition, we have need right now of solid leadership within the group. Since Zurik's attack, Roald has become much more hostile towards us as the rebellion. If we sit around doing nothing while we wait for Zurik to return, we'll be attacked again as we were two nights ago. Zurik in the position of our leader is utterly useless," said Malik. He then paused for a moment before going on. "So, if there are no objections, I'll accept nominations on who should lead us, and then we'll take a vote."

06-Aug-2010 02:06:57

[#L6BVCL43M]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
No voices objected.

"Alright," said Malik, grabbing a piece of chalk from his nearby bag and then turning to the stone wall to write. "Nominations. Go ahead."

"I nominate Jaethur."

"I nominate you, Malik."

"Malik."

"Denir Ixail!" someone said, making Denir laugh and glance over at Nic, who raised his eyebrows at her jokingly.

After Malik wrote down the three names called, he waited a few more seconds through silence, expecting to hear more nominations.

"Is that all?" he asked them, receiving no more names. "Alright. All who want Jaethur Urdae as our leader, stand up."

Four men and one woman stood up, and Malik scratched five tally marks beside Jaethur's name on the wall.

"All who want me, Malik Ivanim, as your leader, stand up."

There was no need to even take the vote for Denir. The majority of the three to four hundred people in the room stood up, declaring Malik as the near-unanimous leader. He wiped away the chalk marks and then turned back to the group, who took their seats again as he began speaking.

"So as you all have decided, I will be the new leader in place of Zurik. With that out of the way, I'll open by announcing our new -"

"This isn't fair!" someone shouted, interrupting Malik and causing him to stop speaking. Everyone turned their attention to Galtan, the one who'd yelled angrily from across the room. They all could see the fury in his expression, sensing a sort of premonition that something was going to happen now. "True leadership isn't a popularity contest! I say that anyone who wants to become our leader better be able to prove himself in battle, not just have good looks or, or speaking ability or anything like that! We need someone who can stand above the rest for the leader of our pack!"

06-Aug-2010 02:07:37

Quick find code: 49-50-852-61289212 Back to Top