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97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I have to say, while Leela is a lovely name, why name your main character after yourself? Ruins the illusion of you creating your names, therefore creating another world, or at least it does for my eyes.

Make sure you re-read this whole story. It’s rife with little errors that kill the flow of the story, which makes it that much less than what it could be.

~ Leela Survives ~

A continuation, eh? Interesting. What isn’t interesting is how you start it, though. Proofread everything you write! It’s the different between a good and brilliant story for people like me. Spelling, grammar and writing conventions are all that make a story brilliant, for me.

The story has a lot of… well, grammar errors, really. Rogue commas, misplaced spaces and just… well, wrong choices. Commas used instead of question marks and the like. It makes for a very disjointed read, actually. And I don’t like it D= And what’s this cry’s doing in the story? Cries, Feliz! She cries! Bwarghah!

~ Bleeding Love ~

WOO! Finally, we have description! That has been seriously lacking in your past two stories and from the get-go it makes the story more impressive. *The voices, the dark, the icy sea, all filled her”. Now, this is the prime example of where you should be using an ellipse. Instead of the last comma, an ellipse followed by *They all filled her” would be much better, in my opinion. Good story =D

~ Mr Frog ~

There’s not a lot to say. There’s nothing wrong with it, but to me it’s a nothing story. There’s no real storyline, and I’m going to account that to the fact that it’s a dialogue only story. But yeah, a nothing story, really. Not truly you.

~ Crad’s Contest 2/3 ~

I think there’s still the odd mistake in grammar. You really have to be careful, as they add up in a short story. A short story is succinct, but also near flawless in grammar and spelling.

“Who are you and what do you seek? Being.” Que?

Again, grammar! You’re missing a speech mark! Proofread!

29-Nov-2009 16:12:33

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~ A Mother’s Vengeance ~

I hate poems and can’t read them. So I don’t review them =P

~ December 2008 ~

I don’t like the “Continue the story” stories, so I’m not going to review them, as it’s not really a story.

~ September 3, 2008 ~

ME NO LIKEY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS D= Proofread everything and 90% of your errors you should pick up. It’s that easy because they break the flow of the story, making the sentence feel awkward.

A semi-colon is not a substitution for a comma. Remember that. It’s a deadly, grammatical sin.

This story just seems rushed to me. The plot goes from a slow and dreamy pace to being a *BOOM ENDING* kind of story. They don’t really mix. And again… proofread your grammar!

~ 2008 ~

I see what you’re linking there, but because of the word restrictions (I’m guessing there are some), it again feels rushed. Nothing really gets developed and therefore the romance just comes across as a nothing relationship.

~ January 2009 ~

GRAMMAR! PROOFREAD! BWALARGHAGAH!

~ February 2009 ~

This is the first story of yours that I read, so it looks like I’ve missed a lot of your stories XD

Overall, it’s a good story, but there’s the odd thing that keeps it from going brilliant. Again, it feels rushed! And that’s the one thing a short story should never feel like, as we’re meant to develop the feeling of a full story in a tiny amount of time. Make the reader feel like you’re in complete control of the story. Rushed stories don’t give that feeling, unfortunately.

~ The Word Contest ~

“teaching each of us to be patient, tolerant and kind to others”. In my case, not so much.

This is a brilliant story for just showing off your description talents. And this time, the story is at you pace, which is refreshing and just makes the story that much better. In fact, it’s your best story so far.

The other stories you’ve already had reviewed by me, so you’re right. We’re done here. Onto the conclusion, eh?

29-Nov-2009 16:13:11

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~ MY CONCLUSION ~

So, where to start… well, how about we start at the key problem you have. That would be your tendency to rush the story. It might feel like you’re rolling a long, but every so often a sudden jump in the story will throw off the flow, and it’s an absolutely terrible thing, because it holds your stories back.

Now, I really want you to start proofreading. You need to check your grammar every time, as it destroys your flow a lot of the time. They’re very easy to spot, and someone of your calibre will pick them up easily.

What I’d like to see doing is writing more stories that are following your rules, not a competitions. Every time I can tell when you’ve written a story that’s for a competition because the description isn’t as good and the plot line isn’t as developed. And your description is a very, very positive part of your writing ability.

Lastly, I’d like to see a bit of character development take place in your stories. I haven’t picked up on it, but it doesn’t really happen. I reckon it could add another whole dimension to your stories if you did have some characterisation, so give it a try, eh?

29-Nov-2009 16:13:33

Dreamweaver
Aug
fmod Member
2003

Dreamweaver

Forum Moderator Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Y'know, that DieScammers guy writes an awesome review.

Every time I read one of his, I think, "Yeah, that's true! Why didn't I mention that myself?" about 20 times in a row. It's good, accurate insight, and well worth bearing in mind.

That said, this little thread hasn't seen any postage action in over a week, so I thought it high time to correct such an awful dearth.

All the best. :)

Dreamweaver

11-Dec-2009 03:23:58

Leela Feliz

Leela Feliz

Posts: 1,902 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yes, Die does a great job!

Thank you, for my bump. I feel special with a green bump :) Gratz by the way.

For everyone else I have been doing some cleaning up around here, I'm not quite done but things are getting organized.

Feliz :P

11-Dec-2009 16:11:23

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Leela Feliz,

Hello. Congratulations on winning the most recent Contest. :)

In honour of your placement in this contest, Mod Kathy and I have arranged that you receive a scroll in the prestigious Hall of Fame. If you could please go to the sticky at the top of this forum and provide the information that Mod Kathy requested, we would both be much obliged.

Congratulations!

29-Dec-2009 18:01:40

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