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*~The Origins of The Doormat~*

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Hellswrath

Hellswrath

Posts: 771 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey, sorry I dropped off the side of the world and all. Just been really busy trying to catch up. Don't worry about FortHood, I wasn't there when the shooting happpened and wasn't shot. I don't personally know any of the soldiers who were wounded or killed, but the general feeling around the army right now is to go finish the job on that son of a *****.

Anyway I have been off and on lately on One Freeborn, but only because he needs to train fishing and that is one skill I can easily train while i'm studying.

I won't be on this weekend because i'm going to Hamilton to celebrate my sister's engagement, but I should be on Monday night or at least sometime next week.

07-Nov-2009 15:56:23

Tava60

Tava60

Posts: 1,017 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well Leela, you're probably aware of this but their isn't many romance writers here on the forums. In my honest opinion you aren't bad at it. So if you are active, good at romance (which I think you are qualified to do), and want this.

If you have agreed to these terms I'd like to hereby invite you to become a teacher for the School of Literate Arts (the name Taol got taken, while I think it will fail i'm using this name for now). There isn't a thread as I want to discuss that with my teachers.

So if you accept or if you do not. Have a good day.

26-Nov-2009 04:09:57

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Heya Feliz. I’m finally going to read and review everything. I certainly took my time, I know. But well, I’m here now? You’ll find that the first story is very in depth, then the rest of the stories are briefly covered, unless there’s serious mistakes. But anyways, lets get this going!

~ Unrequited Love ~

I have a feeling that with your first sentence you’re trying to get the idea of opposites into the story. While it’s a decent attempt, I feel like you adding a more direct antithesis would have a much greater affect and give that opening sentence the oomph you need/want. That or I have no idea what I’m talking about, which is highly likely.

Now, grammatically… you should use two of either an apostrophe or squiggly-line-thing (~) to show thought - beginning and ending. You use one speech mark, so a double count of grammar errors. And this is in your first paragraph! But seriously, girl… we need italics.

Your vocabulary is good, however. Ruminated is a very nice choice and it’s better than the usual “s/he thought”. However, what troubles me is the use of the ellipse (…) in the “Oh pain” speech. First off, you never capitalise after an ellipse, or so my understanding is saying to me. So, when used as the ending of a sentence within speech marks, wouldn’t it function more as a comma rather than a period therefore it would be an uncapitalised “The” that followed? This is why, instead of an ellipse, I use dashes when at the end of a speech. Things are a lot more simpler =D

I think you overuse ellipse a bit in this piece. Mix up dashes and ellipse for a better affect. Especially in the “Oh, thirst” paragraph. Another thing with your ellipse is to make sure you’re placing them in the best places. A well placed ellipse will cause a build in suspension but a badly placed one will destroy the flow of a sentence. And if it doesn’t flow then it doesn’t glow. Always make sure a sentence flows so the reader isn’t drawn out of your world.

29-Nov-2009 16:11:59

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