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My Last Will and Testament

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Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Pray do not think of me as foolish, adventurer, for partaking on such an expedition – as I spent many weeks beforehand researching the area and its history.
~~~
Should probably knock of the as after the dash.
I also made several short incursions into the swamps,
~~~
I don't like using the word also in the first sentence of a paragraph, since it links it too strongly with the previous idea when the whole point of a paragraph is that you've moved on to a new idea.
and despite being choked by vegetation - I found them to be largely devoid of any intelligent life, bar some simple insects that crawled along the ground.
~~~
A comma would serve better than a dash, there.
And so on a crisp autumn morning two months ago, I set out on my journey.
~~~
Not a grammar thing, but the two line breaks before this paragraph are irrationally irritating.
It showed not streets nor paths, but areas where the ground was firm enough as to make it possible to walk on - between marsh and pools of repulsive bubbling liquid.
~~~
Again, for added effect, don't just say marsh, but chuck some adjectives onto it.
Although difficult and most tiring, I calculated that it would take some ten days to reach the ruin if I continued at a steady pace.
~~~
Calculated sounds too mechanical; try something like figured instead.
Progress was problematic
~~~
Thassome fun alliteration.
which would stretch many feet higher than my own head.
~~~
Stretch likely isn't the best word -- reach or tower might serve you better.
Nature seemed to be doing battle with itself. Dark green vines strangled putrid looking trees, small bushes seemingly clambering over each other to reach the life giving sunlight above.
~~~
These sentences should be linked with a semi-colon. Also, life-giving*

24-May-2011 11:01:10

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Indeed, so entirely unfamiliar and miserable were my surroundings that you would be forgiven for thinking that I was on a completely different realm…
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Doesn't seem like the best choice of words, since it's you there not us, though the sentiment is good.
Images of foul creatures flashed across my mind, the blood curdling screams of men and women.
~~~
Chuck an and in there after the comma.
Most nights I would wake startled and covered in a cold sweat, the drive of discovering the lost city being the only thought that would keep me going.
~~~
Try "kept me going", or "could keep me going" -- something a bit stronger than what you have.
It was on the ninth day that I stumbled upon the ruins. Half buried in earth, and covered by putrid green mosses - hunks of large, dark grey stone were scattered across a muddy grassed clearing.
~~~
Use a semi-colon instead of a dash -- the ideas aren't connected enough for a dash to work.
The edge of the outskirts, perhaps?
~~~
This is a tad excessive, since outskirts already indicate edge. It would work just fine without "the edge".
A glinting caught my eye, and I walked over to investigate what appeared to be a large tablet, some 3 foot wide, 3 foot tall, and a foot thick - in amongst the bits of scattered stone and masonry
~~~
Always write out numbers smaller than ten, and the description of its size could be more succint -- "three foot square, and about a foot thick", or something to that effect. Also, use a comma instead of a dash.
it seemed to recount of how
~~~
Take out the of.
and the wear of the stone tablet
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On, not of.
which in areas was worn away and wholly impossible to read.
~~
The tablet isn't worn away, the glyphs on it are -- this should be more explicit.

24-May-2011 11:02:18

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
A disgusting mass of quivering, grey, gelatinous flesh. Vaguely humanoid, and some two or three inches taller than the average man. Membranous winds protruded from a hunched back, ripped and torn by splintered protruding bone.
~~~
Try combining these sentences. Also, I don't like the description of "two to three inches taller than the average man". Say instead something like "pushing six feet", or "standing a few inches above me".
in my vein attempts
~~~
vain*
Like a screaming, a wailing, a crying.
~~~
Cut out the like -- it just doesn't work here.
Thin, crooked fingers and long, curled, black claws.
~~~
This is a fragment.
liquid some 3 feet away
~~~
three*
back in the direction from which I came
~~~
Instead of "from which", say whence. Much flashier.
Through pools of foul green liquid, under trees, over bushes.
~~~
Another fragment.
I don’t know how long I ran for
~~~
Call me really old fashioned, but I don't even like ending clauses with prepositions. That's more me than the style books, though, these days.
Return now from where you came
~~~
whence you came*
same hideous fate as I
~~~
as me*
Well, that was a few more posts than I expected this to be, but I do hope these notes are helpful.
For all the things I commented on, most are quite minor, and none of this should take away from the fact you wrote a quite strong story.

24-May-2011 11:04:00

MilkN2Sugars

MilkN2Sugars

Posts: 5,322 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks! :) I'm going to get to work on giving it a bit of a rewrite soon. ^_^
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'›„¸¸¸„‹ˆ…°»„¸¸¸„«ˆ…ˆ›,¸¸,Äñd ÿöµ`|| mäké †hé b隆 špééçh ÿöµ`|| ëvër rëgrë†,¸¸,‹ˆ…ˆ»„¸¸¸„«°…ˆ›„¸¸¸„‹' Proud leader of The MaSoRS . A skilling and community clan, founded 2003.

25-May-2011 19:27:52

Supreme Pac
Dec Member 2008

Supreme Pac

Posts: 4,077 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hello, I was just reading this story while letting my friend kill me for wilderness hat boost and must I say it is brilliant, and also might I suggest a change to something?
When you said:
Membranous winds protruded from a hunched back, ripped and torn by splintered protruding bone.
I think you meant to say wings instead of winds? It doesn't distract from the story but thought you might want to know and also

I'm a member of The Novelist Guild's Outreach Program and from reading this story I am confident that you would qualify for a writer at the very least, if you have not already applied.
QFC: 49-50-512-62337215

29-May-2011 01:50:05 - Last edited on 29-May-2011 01:56:32 by Supreme Pac

William Witt
Aug Member 2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
By Jove, Pakvald. I did not even get that until you pointed it out... I had been visualising wind emerging from holes in the creature's back.
Perhaps the fact that I was tired at the time (and still am, as a matter of fact) contributed to this foolishness on my part...
Addendum: For the sake of transparency and honesty and whatnot, I suppose I should state something that occurred to me even as I was reading the story.
At some point in the future, I hope to examine a certain piece of lore material which I have been led to believe may at least partially involve Reldo.
Now, I do not yet know what I might learn about Reldo from this piece, if he is indeed involved at all.
However, if upon reading this material I find that he does not live in the eastern part of the city after all, may I post here to present what information I have gleaned regarding his place of residence so as to prevent your story from breaching canon on this note?
The Asgarnian ale must flow.

29-May-2011 05:04:43 - Last edited on 29-May-2011 07:28:39 by William Witt

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