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My Last Will and Testament

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MilkN2Sugars

MilkN2Sugars

Posts: 5,322 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Revision History
• 15th May 2011 - First posted.
------------------------------------------
Please feel free to post. :)
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'›„¸¸¸„‹ˆ…°»„¸¸¸„«ˆ…ˆ›,¸¸,Äñd ÿöµ`|| mäké †hé b隆 špééçh ÿöµ`|| ëvër rëgrë†,¸¸,‹ˆ…ˆ»„¸¸¸„«°…ˆ›„¸¸¸„‹' Proud leader of The MaSoRS . A skilling and community clan, founded 2003.

15-May-2011 22:04:53 - Last edited on 21-May-2011 12:09:52 by MilkN2Sugars

Fireheart449

Fireheart449

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Read this a while ago. At night. <-- Bad idea.
I was a little spooked then, so I didn't comment. Now I'm back. XD
I didn't catch any major mistakes as I read through it. It's well-written (as far as I can tell) and chilling in the best sense of the word.
Is this based off a quest? Or did you just make up the City of Ilkarnek?

20-May-2011 17:56:50 - Last edited on 20-May-2011 18:55:06 by Fireheart449

MilkN2Sugars

MilkN2Sugars

Posts: 5,322 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for the comments. :)
No, Ilkarnek is not based off any quest - it was imagined just for this story. :)
………¸•*ˆ*•¸..ˆ°*•¸..….¸¸,‹•*ˆ\±/ˆ*•›,¸¸(¯`•¸•´¯)MìÌkÑ2Šùgärš(¯`•¸•´¯)¸¸,‹•*ˆ\±/ˆ*•›,¸¸.…..¸•*°ˆ..¸•*ˆ*•¸
,•*°ˆ°*•›„¸¸¸„‹ˆ.…..¸•*°ˆˆ°*•, ¸•*ˆ\‡±‡/ˆ*•¸Špëàk whéñ ÿöµ`ré áñgrý,¸•*ˆ\‡±‡/ˆ*•¸ ,•*°ˆˆ°*•¸..….ˆ›„¸¸¸„‹•*°ˆ°*•,
'›„¸¸¸„‹ˆ…°»„¸¸¸„«ˆ…ˆ›,¸¸,Äñd ÿöµ`|| mäké †hé b隆 špééçh ÿöµ`|| ëvër rëgrë†,¸¸,‹ˆ…ˆ»„¸¸¸„«°…ˆ›„¸¸¸„‹' Proud leader of The MaSoRS . A skilling and community clan, founded 2003.

21-May-2011 11:45:01

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

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It just so happens I'm currently reading (and loving) Lovecraft, so there was no chance once I saw that this was Lovecraftian that I wasn't going to read it.
And, now, I don't at all regret doing so. Despite some technical issues which seemed to come from you trying somewhat too hard to replicate Lovecraft's language, it was still a very strong piece.
If you're interested, I could go over it again tomorrow morning, a bit closer and with an eye to cover some of the mechanical errors you made.

21-May-2011 12:17:00

MilkN2Sugars

MilkN2Sugars

Posts: 5,322 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
That'd be great, thank you. :)
……¸•*ˆ*•¸..ˆ°*•¸..….¸¸,‹•*ˆ\±/ˆ*•›,¸¸(¯`•¸•´¯)MìÌkÑ2Šùgärš(¯`•¸•´¯)¸¸,‹•*ˆ\±/ˆ*•›,¸¸.…..¸•*°ˆ..¸•*ˆ*•¸
,•*°ˆ°*•›„¸¸¸„‹ˆ.…..¸•*°ˆˆ°*•, ¸•*ˆ\‡±‡/ˆ*•¸Špëàk whéñ ÿöµ`ré áñgrý,¸•*ˆ\‡±‡/ˆ*•¸ ,•*°ˆˆ°*•¸..….ˆ›„¸¸¸„‹•*°ˆ°*•,
'›„¸¸¸„‹ˆ…°»„¸¸¸„«ˆ…ˆ›,¸¸,Äñd ÿöµ`|| mäké †hé b隆 špééçh ÿöµ`|| ëvër rëgrë†,¸¸,‹ˆ…ˆ»„¸¸¸„«°…ˆ›„¸¸¸„‹' Proud leader of The MaSoRS . A skilling and community clan, founded 2003.

21-May-2011 19:28:47

MilkN2Sugars

MilkN2Sugars

Posts: 5,322 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Duke of Time said...

"I enjoyed this, good job! Were you referring to Ghasts from the Swamp?"
Thank you, really glad you liked it. :)
I didn't really have a particular NPC in mind when I was thinking up the 'creature', just a basic image in my head that I developed over time to become whats in the story. :)

Poller5 said...

"Milk, sorry I haven't gone over this yet -- life's caught up to me, with all its glorious distractions.
I'll get to it tomorrow, and that's more or less a promise -- but which, you'll never know."
No problem, don't worry about it. :)
I look forward to your comments. ^_^
……¸•*ˆ*•¸..ˆ°*•¸..….¸¸,‹•*ˆ\±/ˆ*•›,¸¸(¯`•¸•´¯)MìÌkÑ2Šùgärš(¯`•¸•´¯)¸¸,‹•*ˆ\±/ˆ*•›,¸¸.…..¸•*°ˆ..¸•*ˆ*•¸
,•*°ˆ°*•›„¸¸¸„‹ˆ.…..¸•*°ˆˆ°*•, ¸•*ˆ\‡±‡/ˆ*•¸Špëàk whéñ ÿöµ`ré áñgrý,¸•*ˆ\‡±‡/ˆ*•¸ ,•*°ˆˆ°*•¸..….ˆ›„¸¸¸„‹•*°ˆ°*•,
'›„¸¸¸„‹ˆ…°»„¸¸¸„«ˆ…ˆ›,¸¸,Äñd ÿöµ`|| mäké †hé b隆 špééçh ÿöµ`|| ëvër rëgrë†,¸¸,‹ˆ…ˆ»„¸¸¸„«°…ˆ›„¸¸¸„‹' Proud leader of The MaSoRS . A skilling and community clan, founded 2003.

23-May-2011 10:06:27

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Woohoo. Lots of stuff here:

My name is William Daniel Harvey; and my tale began some 4 months ago, in the grand city of Varrock.
~~~
The semi-colon is grammatically incorrect here -- take either it or "and" out.
Through a stroke of luck, I found myself working as an apprentice under the revered historian Reldo Trimmly, in the palaces great library.
~~~
palace's*
Although I was little more than an aid; sending messages, sorting through the books and so forth, I relished and delighted in my time spent there. For although I have always been physically weak, my mind is sharp and wildly curious.
~~~
The semicolon is incorrect; replace it with a comma. However, it would fit nicely to combine these two sentences, where it would be grammatically correct and give you a nice, long, Lovecraftian sentence. Incidentally, "wildly curious" is a great phrase.
long after Trimmly had allowed my leave
~~~
This is kind of ambiguous -- he's allowing you to leave, and yet he's the one who left? There's probably a better way to say this.
Novels, histories and diaries all found themselves under my inquiring gaze, as I filled my mind with the literature and writings that could be found within.
~~~
The second comma (after gaze) is unnecessary, and saying "the literature... that could be found within" is awkward, and likely incorrect (unless, of course, you indicate that these things are found within the library, as opposed to the texts, as the sentence suggests -- then it would work fine).
It was clearly very ancient, bound in scuffed green leather and with torn yellowing pages… It looked like it had been left untouched for many hundreds of years.
~~~
While a perfectly fine stylistic choice, I really don't like the ellipsis in this sentence. Take that for what you will.
Adorned in ornate lettering and printed in cracked gold ink, the title read ‘The City of Ilkarnek’.
~~~
I would be remiss not to point out that Lovecraft had a city of Ilarnek. Just sayin'. ;)

24-May-2011 11:00:01

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
It was written in an antiquated foreign tongue that I found myself able to understand, albeit with some significant mental strain.
~~~
Try re-wording this to emphasise the mental strain required to read it -- it should be a major hindrance to understanding an "antiquated foreign tongue", but this sentence suggests it was just a mild annoyance.
trains of though
~~~
Don't even need to say it.
The book had weaved a tale like no other I had ever set my eyes upon.
~~~
Call me old fashioned (though that's likely the effect you're going for), but I don't like ending sentences with prepositions.
It told of the grand city of Ilkarnek, which for over one thousand years stood tall and undisturbed during what today is known as the second age of Gielinor.
~~~
This should likely be linked to the previous sentence, and certainly shouldn't be a paragraph unto itself.
unbeknown to any man today.
~~~
Unbeknownst* Also, I never realized how bloody awkward looking that word is.
And how within two centuries, it was little more than a ruin.
~~~
This sentence doesn't work -- use after instead of within, or became instead of was, or alter it some other way.
Perhaps though, most importantly, the tome contained within its yellowing pages a map - depicting Ilkarnek and the surrounding regions.
~~~
The dash here is unnecessary.
It showed where the city once stood, in what is now swampland; south of the kingdom of Morytania, and east of the scorched sands of Al Kharid.
~~~
For extra effect, give Morytania a snappy epithet as well.
Perhaps it was restlessness after years of straying no farther than Lumbridge or the Barbarians Village.
~~~
Barbarians' Village, or, these days, Gunnar's Ground.
Perhaps it was the desire to become one of the epic explorers that I had read about so much in lore’s and novels.
~~~
No need for the apostrophe.

24-May-2011 11:00:45

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