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Areno3

Areno3

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I read the bit that you put up, and it was okay. You use a lot of commas, and there's a good amount of them that shouldn't be there. I'm sure I don't have to pin-point said commas, for if you were to read the piece over again, you would clearly see the commas that are out of place and hinder the reading experience.

Also, the multitude of questions you ask toward the end kind of reveals too much information. You might want to keep it a bit more subtle and mysterious. Obscure the plot and setting as much as you can until you truly have to set it free.

Anyways, it opens a lot like 'The Hunger Games' so you might want to change that aspect as well. I get that it inspired you, but beginning with the similar supplies that Katnis* woke up with is a little less entertaining. I've already read THG; I'd rather not read it again. Y'know what I mean?

14-May-2012 03:32:38 - Last edited on 14-May-2012 03:39:47 by Areno3

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I liked the last sentence of the first paragraph, as if Emma was expecting a reply from the landscape part. As Del pointed out, you do have a few too many questions that feel too similar, but oh well, you're allowed to build the story however you want to your own way.

Never heard of the Huner Games before though.

14-May-2012 07:16:47

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you both for your feedback. :) I will make sure to read it over again - I was reading it out loud when I was reading it and I found no problems, but that might just be me. :P And I'll change the ending as well. Thank you again! :)

14-May-2012 07:26:00

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I know - I tried making the bow smaller but on second thoughts that would be a bit unrealistic as well. I will change it now. :)

I have fixed it. ^_^ For the record, I deleted twelve commas. :P

EDIT2: I have a couple of ideas in store for the next part. Definitely. It will flow into further ideas that I had at the start.

14-May-2012 19:12:23 - Last edited on 15-May-2012 18:38:56 by Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I've got very little for this to go (the whole idea), so this might be a short story. However, that might change as time passes. You never know.

EDIT: Yup. It has changed. XD

19-May-2012 22:38:40 - Last edited on 30-May-2012 19:56:35 by Lady Railly

Arkkataka

Arkkataka

Posts: 4,327 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Am I the only one who has a problem with how unrealistic it is for a person to eat a scorpion and not want to puke? Yes, no, maybe so. I haven't read the Hunger Games so I wouldn't know how similar it is, but I say it's decent. I don't like the use of the word sapphire to describe someone's eyes though, it's probably just me but that word irks me nonetheless

31-May-2012 16:24:36

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