forums.rs

Forums

-=± Outlander ±=-

Quick find code: 49-50-803-41843837

of 129
[#F3XNMC5MJ]

[#F3XNMC5MJ]

Posts: 1,649 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Which is why I had two failed hunts behind me.”
Your grammar and spelling are well done as usual, but you must remember that once you have started capitalizing a word, like you have done with the “Hunt”, you must continue it. In this sentence it seems you have forgotten to capitalize the h.
“I did not begrudge him reaction”
I’m making sure that you meant to say ‘him’ and not ‘his’. You never know.
"They will be here within a day, perhaps longer at the pace they are going."
Change ‘a day’, to ‘the day’, I think it would sound better and more in character. This is not mandatory, but I suggest it.

Other than those few tid-bits the story is marvelous, the imagery and wonderful, and believable characters quickly catch the readers eye. I am saddened to know that this will only be a short story.
To be honest, I have rarely read such a hooking beginning, and that includes stories I have read outside the forums.
I urge you to take your time and not rush the story; it will be the best one in the forums if you continue this work, no doubt. Then again, it’s my kind of story and others may disagree.
By the way, do I sense a romance?

06-Apr-2007 04:22:17

Rune Woolf
Nov Member 2020

Rune Woolf

Posts: 1,987 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Theres only one thing that is bad about this story...
...it makes me feel depressed about my own writing, coz this story is soooo bloody AWESOME!!!
lolo!
haha...
WOW. Great, thats all I can say really lolo :D
Great writing technique, really gooooooooood story...can't wait to find out the ending! hhee
Nice!

06-Apr-2007 04:27:44

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sleona
06-Apr-2007 04:22:17
“Which is why I had two failed hunts behind me.”
Your grammar and spelling are well done as usual, but you must remember that once you have started capitalizing a word, like you have done with the “Hunt”, you must continue it. In this sentence it seems you have forgotten to capitalize the h.
-----
Thanks, I tried to be consistant, but sometimes things slip.
------
“I did not begrudge him reaction”
-----
Oops, that was supposed to be "begrudge him his reaction" that sounds confusing though, so maybe just "his" would be better. Either way, I need to fix it.
Thank you all for your lovely comments :) It makes my day.

06-Apr-2007 11:26:19

[#0SFNE5HCE]

[#0SFNE5HCE]

Posts: 7,212 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey, it's a very nice start. I found only a couple of minor things.

"That particular outburst taught me something -->though.<--"

Here, I would put a comma before though, as it is more of a subordinate clause.

"At the base of the mountain, a fair ways off yet, two large brown horses pulled a wagon laden with what appeared to be blankets and tents. A group of people trailed along behind the wagon team. It only took a glance to determine that they were outlanders, -->for they were all dark haired, whereas we Fremmeniks are always fair.<-- Neither do we use beasts of burden in that manner."

You changed tense here. It is advisable to change the present to past.

06-Apr-2007 12:46:07 - Last edited on 06-Apr-2007 12:49:09 by [#0SFNE5HCE]

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"At the base of the mountain, a fair ways off yet, two large brown horses pulled a wagon laden with what appeared to be blankets and tents. A group of people trailed along behind the wagon team. It only took a glance to determine that they were outlanders, -->for they were all dark haired, whereas we Fremmeniks are always fair.<-- Neither do we use beasts of burden in that manner."
-----
It doesn't really make sense to say that "we Fremmeniks were fair" though, as Fremmeniks still are, and still are fair.
I think I'll get a second opinion on that though.
But thanks for reading it :)

06-Apr-2007 12:56:20

[#85QZ2X6LC]

[#85QZ2X6LC]

Posts: 3,440 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hi Roshie. I'm just going to go through this now and point out your mistakes. Should be done in half an hour or so. I shall edit this post with the corrections.

Post - Paragraph - Previous - Corrected - Explanation.

1 - 1 - 'It was spring; the time of year' - 'It was spring, the time of year' - Semicolons separate main clauses from one another, not main clauses and noun phrases.
1 - 1 - 'bringing with it a hint of warmer places' - 'hinting of warmer places' - Wordiness.
1 - 1 - 'In the spring the frost loosens its frozen grip on the earth' - 'In the spring, the frost loosens its grip on the earth' - Always use a comma between an intiating prepositional phrase and a main clause; 'frozen' is surplus.
1 - 1 - 'those hardy plants and herbs' - 'hardy plants and herbs' - 'those' is too informal for the situation, and you don't need a demonstrative determiner when you are using a noun phrase like that.
1 - 1 - 'where I grew up. However, the warming sun' - 'where I grew up; however, the warming sun' - Use a semicolon when a conjunctive adverb links two sentences.
1 - 1 - 'for a few blissful months of the year we can' - ', for a few blissful months of the year, we can' - Use commas around a parenthetic expression.
1 - 1 - 'furs of our' - 'furs off our' - Typing error, I presume.
1 - 2 - 'Of course, where else would they have been from, as everything is south in relation to that mountain town.' - Remove - As long as you have specified the location of your town already, you shouldn't need this: it's too informal; add the positioning in the previous paragraph, where the rest of your descriptions are. If you do decide to keep this, you'd need a question mark at the end of the sentence.
1 - 3 - 'That winter was a lonely one for me' - 'My winter was lonely' - Wordiness.

--- I shall continue on another post. (First post on the next page.) ---

06-Apr-2007 13:26:39 - Last edited on 06-Apr-2007 13:43:03 by [#85QZ2X6LC]

Quick find code: 49-50-803-41843837 Back to Top