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[#85QZ2X6LC]

[#85QZ2X6LC]

Posts: 3,440 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
1 - 3 - 'the transitional years' - Consider explanation - Unclear semantics.
1 - 3 - 'become men the previous' - 'become men in the previous' - Don't omit prepositions.
1 - 3 - 'to prove ones manhood' - 'to prove one's manhood' - Improper pronouns need apostrophes. I made this mistake when we had the 'one' instead of 'I' day, so I'm probably partly to blame for that.
1 - 4 - '** custom dictated, I had been' - 'dictated' is too formal - Keep the tone of the narrative similar, especially when writing from a first person point of view.
1 - 4 - 'the hunt' - 'the Hunt' - Be consistent.
1 - 4 - 'and though' - 'and although' - 'although' is the correct subordinating conjunction.
2 - 1 - 'already in fact, and' - 'already, in fact, and' - Enclose parenthetic expressions between commas.
2 - 2 - 'I was impossibly lonely' - Remove - You already asserted his earlier, and 'impossibly' is surplus anyway.
2 - 3 - 'nothing and I would' - 'nothing, and I would' - Comma before a coordinating conjunction introducing an independent clause.
2 - 3 - 'What more' - 'What's more' - The full phrase requires a verb.
2 - 4 - 'winter still had a firm grip on the earth' - Change - you used this metaphor earlier.

Okay, I've got to go for a bit now. Hope this is pointing you in the right direction with what you need to improve on. I enjoyed what you've got there so far, and you give a nice background, while characterising your narrator. Good stuff.

06-Apr-2007 13:42:44 - Last edited on 06-Apr-2007 14:16:56 by [#85QZ2X6LC]

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
It's 11 here, and I'm so tired most of that doesn't make sense. I'll look more closely at it tomorrow when I'm awake. The actual grammar mistakes I'll fix, but the ones about excessive wordiness I'll leave as they are. I like the way they flow.
Thanks for looking it over Torpy :)

06-Apr-2007 14:09:03

[#Y7TCW7FBM]

[#Y7TCW7FBM]

Posts: 4,356 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Bravo!!!!
I realy like it so far. I wonder if anyone noticed my name is in it. hmmmm
I am also working on a story during spring break because I'm off of school (yes!) I mean....O man.

¥~If only we could download school into our heads :( ~¥

06-Apr-2007 16:38:57

[#F3XNMC5MJ]

[#F3XNMC5MJ]

Posts: 1,649 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"First post on the new sticky! (last post on the old one too)
*sniff* So many memories to say good BY to. All those back posts I wanted to read and never got around to."
Hey, Roshie, I was looking around the forums and thought you should know that you used the wrong type of 'by' in the first post on the "Story Discussions" sticky. :P Anyway, if you get around to it you might as well change it to 'bye'. I capitalized the 'by' in the sentence so you'd notice it.

07-Apr-2007 00:49:22

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I did see you posted one. I was going to check it out after I finish bumping my stuff.
I'd like to work on Outlander some more tonight, though I may not get anything posted for a bit. I'm wanting to post one section at a time, rather than one post at a time as I've done previously.

07-Apr-2007 08:55:52

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