Alright, Nick, I've read your story.
You mention in the first post that you don't have an editor, so the grammar isn't perfect. This is true in the same sense that saying Michael Jordan was okay at putting a ball through a hoop: it's rather a gross understatement. Your grammar was a mess. Beyond the typos, which are unavoidable and excusable (to an extent), you had more problem with nouns, verbs, and tenses than I think I've seen in any other writing on this forum. Really, all I can suggest on that front is a thorough proofread -- the errors are so blatant they should not be hard to identify.
Beyond that, your writing style has the hints of something interesting -- the naive, first person narrator, was a neat perspective -- but this is at almost every turn overshadowed by long, unwieldy sentences and unbearably awkward phrases. The fight scenes which dominated the first two thirds of the story should have been as thrilling and exciting as (I'm sure) you imagined them to be, but your words never managed to convey that.
Finally, your plot. It's not bad, but it's very fragmentary. Too much of the beginning is taken up with fights that do very little to give the reader any perspective on your character, and the potential element of the mystery of his appearance and his growth as a fighter within the dungeons of Daemonheim is entirely skipped over. By jumping from fight to fight with nothing in between, you don't allow the reader to realize that he's a different fighter in the second one, a much more capable than he was in the first.
As a postscript, I'd like to point out that some of the elements of your plot had major believability issues. Firstly, the way you explained it he should never have survived, let alone won, that first battle -- and that's still going on your errant assumption that a spear through his chest wouldn't kill him. The later battle also makes little sense: why are these four heroes defending the person he attacked, and, moreover...
10-Mar-2013 09:07:50
