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Chuk

Chuk

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Well, I found something which I don't think I've posted here:

~ A Merchant's Skill ~

Noise pounded through the merchant's skull, breaking into his mind like a tornado, but he ignored the ruckus. He was used to such things. Every day at the break of dawn he arrived in his cart loaded with necessities of the peasants' lives: flower and sugar he carried along with rough cloth, cheap shoes, tools, anything that anyone might ever consider useful.

Today the sun had long since crossed its zenith, yet the merchant -- Franklin Chambers -- still waited for buyers to purchase more than half of his goods. Since about three o' clock, the crowd had grown in the square, until now a throng milled aimlessly perusing items that would cost most a year's wages to purchase. No one, however, stopped by Chambers' stall; no one wanted the necessities. Reluctantly, shading his eyes from the sun, he reached beneath his wagon and opened a small compartment, hidden from casual glances, and removed a case of his most prized item. Quickly prying it open, he set a few bottles in his stand, near the front for all eyes to see.

"Brandy!" he called, "Get a bottle o' brandy. Only two coppers a piece. Cheap Brandy! Come 'n get it!"

His cry turned heads as nothing else could. Brandy, the harbinger of joy; brandy, a pool to swallow the peasants' troubles in mirth and senselessness; brandy, a drink to love. In only seconds a small crowd gathered by his stall, thrusting grimy pennies at him from all directions. Chambers grinned, his eyes twinkling as the coppers clattered into his palm, one on top of the other until the bottles were gone. Not even bothering to move, his recent customers upended their newly purchased bottles above their faces, draining the alcohol in mere seconds, and begging for more.

"I'm running low. Not much more left," he responded. "It'll be five coppers to ya now."

15-Oct-2010 22:58:07 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 10:30:10 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

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As he set the new bottles out, the merchant reached into his pocket, removing a single shiny brass button, worn into a simple disk, but polished to perfection.

"And while you're at it, don'cha want this here charm? Good luck, 'tis. I can hardly bear to part with it, but today wasn't such a good day. I'll take what I can get. Whaddya say to twenty coppers, eh? The wife'll love it. Brings rains in season, too. Adds extra strength to any metal you own. I'm sure it's just what you need. But I've got only one."

Five pairs of hands fumbled in pockets and soon Chambers sold the brass disk for nearly fifty coppers to some blacksmith on his third bottle. Next he pulled out a small brooch, fashioned from a single copper penny. Within moments, he sold it to a farmer for thirty-five. Next he moved onto his bolts of cloth, the shoes, and the tools, but always keeping the brandy flowing steady -- now at twelve pennies a bottle. When he left at sundown, he took with him nothing but the boards of his cart, his two horses and a bag filled with thousands of copper pennies -- more pennies than most of those he had scammed that day would see in their lives. The next day would see him in his normal spot, wielding the same strategy, and since it was a Saturday, perhaps profiting even more. He grinned in anticipation, watching the last rays of golden sunlight disappear into the night, wondering how long it would be until he sold even those.

15-Oct-2010 22:59:21 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 10:30:17 by Chuk

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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Sorry to interrupt!
Your padawan Wawane posted this on Adopt a Writer Program:
Well this may throw you off a bit English.
Despite my wishes that it where not so I fear I don't currently have time to write for fun. Due to RL my writing has suffered and I haven't written a whole lot in the past weeks due to being busy and I don't see that changing very soon.
As such if you (English) and Chuck deem it better to free him up as I likely will not be writting much for awhile I will completely understand.
Thanks!
P.S. If my schedule gets a little more open I might return, but I think that as it is I am taking up a good mentors time when he could be helping someone else.
Could you please respond to it? Thanks.

18-Oct-2010 19:06:42

CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Forum Moderator Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Every day at the break of dawn he arrived in his cart loaded with necessities of the peasants' lives: flower and sugar he carried along with rough cloth, cheap shoes, tools, anything that anyone might ever consider useful."
That was kinda awkward. Dunno why. Probably the "arrived *in* his cart," instead of "with," or the listing. Hm. Not quite sure.
In any case, I enjoyed it. It definitely flowed more towards the end; to me, it has somewhat of a rocky start. I'm not sure if I like the description/setting you put forth in the first paragraph, but that is easily overshadowed by the writing moving forward. Overall, naise st00f.
-- Chek

16-Dec-2010 09:38:56

Yrolg

Yrolg

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"Today the sun had long since crossed its zenith, yet the merchant -- Franklin Chambers -- still waited for buyers to purchase more than half of his goods. " (also: "until now" )
This is a pet peeve of mine. Today insinuates not only an inferred connexion with the reader but also the existential present tense. A writer should only use "today" when speaking of contemporaries, juxtaposing to the past, AND using the present tense in a considered and respectable manner.
"No one, however, stopped by Chambers' stall;"
To say Chambers' is technically incorrect; to say Chambers' is generally incorrect: to say Chambers' is, to a grammarian, to cite one of the most influential men in history. I think you, instead, mean to say Chambers's.
"Only two coppers a piece."
If he is a merchant, he will know well the difference that semantics makes. He would not say "two coppers a piece" but "two coppers a bottle" (or other denomination of serving).

I very much liked the first 3/4 of the piece. It was a nice story that captivated interest. I cannot, however, say this about the anticlimactic ending. Something more profound needs to be said, or the extant material should be trimmed and rephrased.

29-Dec-2010 04:06:50 - Last edited on 29-Dec-2010 04:13:45 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

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The piece seemed to be a sort of explication of the profession of merchants. It spent the beginning detailing how it was impossible for them to make an honest living and they were thus subjected to the need to manipulate. In fact, taken as a whole, the beginning was a sort of defense for merchants and served as a barrier against attacks to their integrity.
It then goes on to describe the unfortunate acts that he participates in: inebriating and then ripping off the crowd. It, at this time, is sort of like a justification: I need to eat, I don't have money, and the only way to survive is to sell alcohol and wares together.
But the ending then provided a sort of perverse side to it: it was as if you were commenting on the addictive qualities of the less seemly parts of merchanting. But when it came down to it, you didn't really do that. You left the commentary out of it, and just explained the future.
It was shallow compared to the rest of the piece. And it was unfortunate and not becoming.
The ending did have the sort of summary, the moral, the impact that I was wanting. It just explained the regularity, but it didn't really even do this, because it didn't explicate it. It was much too implicit; it had to be inferred.
In short, it took too much effort from the reader and was not worth it in the end (literally).

16-Jan-2011 18:00:40 - Last edited on 21-May-2011 03:38:07 by Yrolg

Reaper Ben

Reaper Ben

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Hey Everyone!
As Head of the Out Reach Department for the Novelist Guild, it is my current duty to inform/remind all of the members of the Novelist Guild are to please re-apply for the status of writer (Or other statuses). Although this step is necessary, if you do not wish to become a writer (Or any rank above) you do not have to do so. The re-applying has been deemed necessary due to the fact that the Guild has gone considerable change, and is undergoing a rebirth.

Thanks for your time.
Ruben.
~The Novelists' Guild~
(If this is in any way inappropriate, please do tell me, and I shall remove it.
I'm just trying to tract down our members by posting on threads where they have recently posted. Thanks)

16-Feb-2011 16:52:07

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