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Croc 2251

Croc 2251

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CASUAL REVIEW - "Untitled," by iC*uk - Extra Credit Consideration
(This will be edited into your review following its completion, and your final score will be adjusted)
0 out of 10 - Extra Credit: I think I covered everything worth mentioning in my review, actually. I will add this portion of the rubric into your former review, but I won't keep the commentary. And I don't think I'll repost the review on my thread, either, because this update will fit on the review and it isn't altering your score.

19-Jul-2011 00:37:52

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey Chuk:
I was reading through your stories yet again and I noticed a few things I thought I should point out in "Waters of Time".
Firstly, I wanted to point out that I absolutely love this story. It's one step below "Sunrise" in my opinion, which is saying a lot.
It seems to me a daunting task to try to describe the flow of time, and much more so if attempted in the form of a story. Despite that, I think you did a marvelous job. The story appreciates perspective, uses a brilliant analogy to explain a complex idea, and narrates in a nearly poetic way the longest tale ever told (literally). Even after all of that greatness, you manage to actually close the tale in a wonderful (if seemingly disastrous) way, regardless of the fact that nobody has yet witnessed the ending, and then offer a form of reconciliation in that the story yet continues, cycling through events as many times as is imaginable, as history has often presented itself to do.
After carefully reading it so many times, I have noticed enough little things to warrant a post, I think.
It’s nothing big, just my opinion on a couple small grammatical and stylistic things.
Here they are:
In the second paragraph you wrote "Hate is not present. It is the paragon of life and hope. But goodness cannot last forever, for there is always evil, even if it lies hidden."
I think "hate is not present" and "there is always evil" are slightly contradictory. Furthermore, I felt like the sentence "Hate is not present." kind of broke the semi-poetic flow of words in the first paragraph and the beginning of the second.
In the second paragraph of the second post, you wrote: "The lake narrows back to the mouth of a river. Its pace quickens, and though it remains smooth, there is a feeling of impending doom that fills the world. And it is realized."
I thought the last sentence should just be "It is realized." It seems like it might have better impact that way.

21-Jul-2011 16:42:46

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Also, just below that you wrote: "Suddenly, the smooth surface is broken, chopped off and the river falls with a roar, cascading over an endless cliff."
The flow also felt interrupted here (pun not intended), mostly because of "chopped off and the river falls". For one, 'chopped' is past-tense and 'falls' is more present-tense.
You might consider separating it. Perhaps something like this: "Suddenly, the smooth surface is broken, chopped off. The river falls (or fell) with a roar, cascading over an endless cliff."
Below that you wrote: "Chaos springs on the world. Monsters and demons appear from darkened, smoky skies falling with wrath upon the peaceful nation. They quickly conquered the world, killing and destroying all that they could find. “ - This changes tense as well. The first sentence is present-tense while the second is past-tense.
Two last things regarding the ending paragraph: "Rain begins to drip from the grayness above. It falls to the ground, drops scattered across the land that drift together into rivulets that gradually form a bubbling stream. The people find companions and gradually join together, first creating tribes, and then nations that grow into great civilizations, beginning again at ages long past. Finally the streams join together to create a flowing river once more, a river that carries on the cycle of passing time"
I think that "which" would be better than "that" at the end of the second sentence. This is because you say "that" right after the word "rivulets", and because "rivulets" ends in a "T" sound (despite the s), "that" was more difficult to read. And second, the last sentence is missing a period.
These are really tiny observations. It's a magnificent story and I love it (which is why I'm reading it again even after so many times). Just thought I'd give my opinion, I hope it's helpful. =]

21-Jul-2011 16:42:57

Chuk

Chuk

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Yep it is helpful. Those tense changes are icky. Been a long time since I wrote that. :P
It'd be interesting to see what it'd look like if I approached the same subject now. However, EotG is priority, and I'm not doing much -- if any -- writing that isn't involved with that somehow.

26-Jul-2011 14:17:39

Chuk

Chuk

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heh, sorry. I've been writing character biographies, so I can do better character development. Not much actual writing on the story in the past week, just everything around it to make the story go easier later on and such.

26-Jul-2011 16:08:50

Chuk

Chuk

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Sarien set the steaming dish on the table and joined her family around it. Eriq to her left, tousle-headed and only four. Seraa, her beautiful daughter on her right, almost ten. Last, across the table, Kerj, her husband, grin still roguish despite reaching into middle years. She smiled and pulled away the lid, revealing a lightly browned turkey.

"Smells wonderful, dear," Kerj said, lifting a knife and beginning to carve.

Almost no time later, silence descended while the family fell upon their meal. Finishing, Sarien wiped a drop of sauce from Eriq's chin. He glowered fiercely, and she smiled, tousling his hair.

"Can you clear the plates?" she asked her husband. "I'll take the kids for a walk. Eriq said he wanted to see the castle again."

Kerj groaned, but said, "For you, dear," and kissed her lightly on the cheek.

She gathered Eriq and Seraa and went into the evening, a small hand in each of hers. She wove through streets, sky above fading from yellows and oranges to reds and purples. Eriq and Seraa bickered, and Sarien sighed in mock exasperation, but spoke only once, when Seraa thought they were going away from the castle.

"Nonsense, sweetie," Sarien said. "The way just looks different since it's almost dark."

Minutes later, they entered a dark alley where a city guard stopped them.

"I'm sorry," he said, "There's suspicious --"

He fell silent when a dagger flashed in Sarien's hand, sliding across his neck. Seraa screamed, tried to run, but Sarien caught her, a hand over her mouth, and dragged both children down the alley. Stopping at a door marked in red, she knocked. It cracked, and a face poked out, black hood hiding features. Recognizing her, the cloaked figure allowed her in.

"Them's the sacrifice? They does look good."

Eriq squirmed, but Sarien held tight. Ignoring the question, she said, "There's a guard dead back there. They suspect, and now they'll kno

07-Oct-2011 12:14:17 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 10:28:37 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Then hide the body, and be ready as soon as they are."

The man turned deeper into the cavern-like room, produced silver pincers from his robe, set them by a table made of gears and iron cuffs. Then, while Sarien dragged her children toward the table, he vanished down a tunnel opposite the door. Still holding a hand tight over Seraa's mouth, Sarien wrestled a sobbing Eriq onto the table. She had one small wrist cuffed before Seraa bit her middle finger, teeth grinding on the joint. Hissing, Sarien back-handed the girl across the face. Her small body flew a pace, rolled to a stop against a wall.

Sarien massaged the back of her hand, almost returned to a writhing Eriq when the door to the alley crashed open. She just had enough time to see a crazed figure emerge from the darkness. A single leap and he crossed the intervening space, his beard bristling in her face, eyes flashing in madness.

"***** things Goff hears, creeping in shadows. Bad things. Goff dislikes bad."

He reached for Sarien, claw like finger nails stabbing towards her. Her dagger slashed, but the man caught her wrist effortlessly, twisted. He grinned when it snapped. Sarien groaned, but rammed her free hand into the man's throat; he laughed, grabbed her face in return. His nails drew blood before he tossed her against the wall. She crumpled, unmoving. Goff moved to the table, unlocked the cuffs, and ignoring the boy's eye-rolling terror, gathered him gently in one arm.

"Shh," he murmured. "Goff is not bad. Goff will make you safe."

He lifted Seraa in his other arm, left through the door. The last light had not yet faded in the sky, and Eriq calmed slightly. Swift running through the streets brought them to the castle gates.

"Guards," Goff cried. "Guards! Goff needs guards!"

When the first uniformed man appeared, Goff passed over Eriq and Seraa, exchanged a few words, and disappeared into the night, promising: "You with Guard now. G

07-Oct-2011 12:15:19 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 10:28:46 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The ***** in the previous post is supposed to be ' qu(c)eer', though not in the way it's used as slang. No room to add extra characters to break the censor, as I used all 2k in that post.
Another new story from the Halloween contest on the following page.

07-Oct-2011 12:16:22 - Last edited on 07-Oct-2011 12:16:38 by Chuk

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