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Chuk

Chuk

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"Don't give up."

That's what my grandfather would always say, "Don't ya give up, lad. Don't ever give up. Better times are coming."

I remember one day we were out working the fields, harvesting corn for the Ruler's storehouses, hot sun beating down on our backs, the Foreman's whip lashing above our heads. I could hardly work that day. I'd just learned that my father, conscripted a year earlier, had died in one of the Ruler's many wars, cut down for a cause he didn't believe in. The Foreman didn't even give us a day off, just sent me and my grandfather -- who was my father's father -- out to the fields with everyone else.

My grandfather was nearly eighty at the time, by far the oldest serf most people had ever known, and the oldest man still able to work by more than two decades. I was young at the time, not yet into full manhood. His back was bent with age, but he held his head up while he worked, eyes gleaming. They had tears in them that day, but there was a fire glowing in their depths, a fire I'd never seen before. He never let the Foreman see his tears, and I don't think he meant for me to see either. Still, even with that display, I thought him close to heartless, certainly not hurting as I was. In hindsight, he was probably hurting even more. But through it all, he kept working, never giving in, never stopping, his gnarled fingers piling cob after cob of corn into the basket.

I longed to give in, to give up. The knowledge that I'd never see my father again burned in my heart, consuming me in grief. I wanted nothing at all, nothing except to forget my troubles, and if death freed me, then I would meet it gladly. There was no more point in living. I tried to quite several times, but my grandfather never let me. Each time he saw me stop working, and a second later he'd be leaning over me.

"No, lad," he'd say. "Today's not the day. Don't let 'em beat you, lad. Don't let 'em win."

He'd hold out his hand, waiting until

14-Jul-2011 10:49:06 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 10:29:03 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The days got easier after that; my grieving heart healed little by little, but still there came days that were far tougher than others. My grandfather was there for each one, giving me strength to carry on our hopeless task, his gravelly voice whispering in my ear.

Then came a day worse than any that came before, worse even than my father's death. I woke before dawn as usual, but found that my mother and my younger sister had vanished in the night. I cared for my sister above all else, and her absence was a blow that sent me tumbling back to my pallet in despair. I thought she'd been taken by the guards, taken to satisfy the Ruler's cruelest pleasures. I couldn't function, couldn't even move. I just curled up and cried.

The door to our hovel opened, but I didn't even look up to watch the guards enter, coming to drive me to work, so I was surprised when I felt my grandfather's gentle touch brush my shoulder. I turned slightly to look at him and found dark pouches under his eyes as if he had not slept. But he was also smiling. That smile was too much to bear; I shoved him away, cursing him, screaming that he was a heartless *******. He grabbed my mouth, covering my cries and dragged me into the fields. We'd hardly reached the first stalks of corn when guards hammered down the door of my home. Only then did I stop struggling.

"You gave up." My grandfather's eyes were accusing now. "Ya stopped fighting them and yet ya could still fight your own grandfather? I'd thought you better, lad, I'd thought you better."

"They took Sali and mother," I snarled, "And you just smile like nothing's wrong. What did you expect? Your own granddaughter, old man!"

"The guards didn't take 'em, lad. I did. I led them to freedom and safety."

I stared, caught completely off my guard. "What?"

"I took Sali and your mother to the Underground, lad. They're safe."

"Oh."

14-Jul-2011 10:49:56 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 10:29:11 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"I told ya things get better if ya don't give up. And your turn's coming today. I woulda taken ya last night, but there wasn't room. You've gotta go, though."

He glanced over to the Foreman. I followed his gaze and found the guards had left my house; their captain was speaking to the Foreman. Both men were looking right at us, and while I watched, the captain nodded his soldiers into motion. My grandfather grabbed my arm, spinning me until I faced him.

"Two miles into the forest there's a river. Ya know it?"

I nodded.

"Good. When you reach it, go upstream 'til you reach a waterfall. There's food in a stump right along the bank at the bottom. Then tonight, go up to the top and wait for people to come. When they say 'Corn', you gotta tell 'em 'barley'. Then go with 'em and trust 'em."

He glanced up. The guards were closing quickly.

"Go! Hide in the stalks. Run!"

"But Grandfather, wha-"

"Don't worry about me, lad. Run!"

He pushed me away and turned towards the guards. Just before they reached him, he glanced over his shoulder and called out. "Don't ever give up, lad!"

His last words. The guards fell upon him. He pulled a club from beneath his shirt, knocked a few of them senseless, following his own advice to the last. I turned and ran, not daring to watch the end.

Since that day, I have always carried my grandfather's advice in the back of my head. I have refused to give up. Even when things looked hard, I did not give up. I got lost in the forest, and was two days late to the meeting with the Underground. But they were there because they did not give up on me. I found my mother and sister. Eventually, as I gained age and wisdom, I learned to lead the Underground in their struggle, and led us into open rebellion.

14-Jul-2011 10:50:32 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 10:29:18 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
We suffered defeat after defeat, but we kept fighting. More men broke free from the yoke and joined us, and we kept fighting. Slowly the tides turned, and we fought on. Finally we broke the walls of the Ruler's palace. Confronted by our fury, the Ruler, less of a man than us, gave up. He fled, leaving his last guards to do his fighting. He didn't make it out of the palace before we caught him and executed him on the spot. He gave up, and then he lost. We did not give up, and we won. We have conquered, though many challenges will rise against us. Through them all, we must never, ever give up.

14-Jul-2011 10:50:43

Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Posts: 5,867 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
CASUAL REVIEW
60 out of 75 points - Plot: This is rare, and this is hard to say, but...I loved the plot. The development of the story was well done for a short story. However, as always, there are imperfections: I felt that the first half of the story was stronger than the second. A lot of the problems I noticed came with the timing. For instance, the "cared for my sister part above else" came far too late. That tidbit needs to be introduced earlier in the story, so as to enhance the power behind their disappearance. I would say this would best be included during the grieving in the first post. And it wouldn't necessarily need to be very long - just something to indicate that she means a lot to the speaker. The next major mistake (although this wasn't TOO major) was the use of the phrase "I thought" after the speaker discovered that his sister and mother had been abducted. I believe foreshadowing has its advantages, but in this scenario it simply degrades the quality of the reader's excitement towards the grandfather's explanation. That one could just be me, but I saw it coming because of that phrase alone. The only other problem was the ending - I felt it was rushed and forced (by "ending", I'm referring to the post-grandfather-death). I know your intention was to wrap it up with a brief resolution, but that wasn't what caught me - it was the rushed feel of it from you, the writer. I'll point out more of this in the 'grammar' part. Other than that...this was an awesome plot for a short story.

15-Jul-2011 21:19:29 - Last edited on 15-Jul-2011 21:21:42 by Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Posts: 5,867 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
55 out of 75 points - Characters: Okay, this was still pretty well-done for a short story...but it wasn't great. For starters, no physical description was given; and I honestly didn't have a problem with that, except that I would have liked to visualize the grandfather. The only details given were the sound of his voice and his age. I thought that a little background on the grandfather might have also helped a bit. I never really see the speaker in need of description or explanation as long as there's a supporting cast, so I had no problems there, but...yeah, considering the grandfather was the focal point in the story: he could have used a bit more depth.
45 out of 50 points - Writing/Grammar: I actually felt that this one was a step down from the last story I read in terms of grammar, and even in writing, at some points. I thought there were a few parts that needed revision. So I'll just break down what I noticed. "Then came a day worse than any that came before" was strangely awkward for me. I figure "day before it" would adequately replace the final three words, and although it might be considered redundant for some, I think it'd flow better. However, the replacement suggestion is simply personal preference. Another one: "covering my cries and dragged me into the fields" I think that a comma would be grammatically accurate after cries, because the two clauses are independent - I found myself expecting to find another thing he was covering rather than another action. Or, if you'd rather, you could start another sentence entirely. Next was the big turnaround point in the story: "The guards didn't take 'em, lad. I did. I led them to freedom and safety." I thought it would have been a MUCH stronger statement if you had cut it off at "I did" and show the speaker's bewilderment before the final, explanatory sentence.
Continued on Next Post

15-Jul-2011 21:19:40 - Last edited on 15-Jul-2011 21:38:44 by Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Posts: 5,867 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The grammar beyond this point was good, but the writing was rushed and hectic. I thought that the word choice on "back of my HEAD" was strange; it sounded rather awkward. I would have preferred the word "mind." In the same paragraph..."But they were there because they did not give up on me." I felt a comma after 'there' would have produced a much more dramatic effect. "He gave up, and then he lost." Would have sounded better without the "then," because it would have maintained its parallel structure with the next sentence and it would have been much more blunt and effective. That's about it as far as mistakes - and I wouldn't be too concerned with these: this is literally EVERY mistake I found; the only reason I mentioned them all in this review was because I knew you'd want me to point them out. Your grammar and writing may have been a step down from the last story, but they're still top of the line.
0 out of 10 Points - Extra Credit
160 out of 200 Points - Final Score
Extra Notes: I really, really liked this, Chuk. I thought it was well-devised and well-written. Oh, one note: when implementing swear words into your writing, you should just replace one letter with an asterisk so that the reader can identify it. For instance, instead of *******, bast*rd. Anyway, Chuk, again - you did an outstanding job. I'm glad I got the chance to read that. I look forward to the next story of your's that I'm able to review.

15-Jul-2011 21:38:54 - Last edited on 19-Jul-2011 00:38:20 by Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Posts: 5,867 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chuk, I would like to inform you that you are currently on pace for a Hall of Fame induction at TSR (Trey's Story Reviews). Your scores of 150 and 160 for "A Sunrise" and "Untitled," respectively, have met certain criteria:
Standard (b) - You have ONE of 3 required stories with a score of 160 or above in casual, and/or 410 or above in complete. If you receive TWO more reviews with scores at or above the minimum scores listed above, you will have earned yourself a Hall of Fame induction.
Standard (c) - You have TWO of 4 required stories with a score of 150 or above in casual, and/or 400 or above in complete. If you receive TWO more reviews with scores at or above the minimum scores listed above, you will have earned yourself a Hall of Fame induction.

Please refer to the TSR thread for more information regarding this achievement. All information regarding the Hall of Fame can be found on the second page of the thread.

17-Jul-2011 19:20:33

Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Posts: 5,867 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
CASUAL REVIEW - "A Sunrise," by iC*uk - Extra Credit Consideration
(This will be edited into your review following its completion, and your final score will be adjusted)
5 out of 10 - Extra Credit: I felt that the writing was so lively, so real, so well described...I just had to give at least a little extra credit. It was really impressive, the power of your description, and it really made an impact on me. That goes a long way, and it's definitely worth some extra credit.
EDIT: I cannot fit this score into your post. I will simply update the total score and repost the entire review, plus the excess, onto my reviewing thread.

19-Jul-2011 00:21:21 - Last edited on 19-Jul-2011 00:23:40 by Croc 2251

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