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Eraser418

Eraser418

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Wow! I reall enjoyed "A Christmas Dream"
Lol, it certinately gave a twist to the well known Santa. The spiders reminded me of that one movie... I forgot what it's called. though.
Anyway, I didn't fint too many mistakes (Was too busy reading the story :D ) but heres one thing I thought might help.

"Here desire dictates the events."
I think a comma should be placed after "Here" and before "Desire."

I'll make sure to read the other stories of yours, later.
Take it easy.
-Eraser

17-Feb-2011 01:24:26

Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Posts: 5,867 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
CASUAL REVIEW
40 out of 75 points - Plot: This was where I felt this short story struggled the most. I kept trying to attach to the storyline and the plot, but there just wasn't anything to hook onto. It was primarily an introduction, and it did an awesome job of leading up to something. But it's hard to consider this a strength, seeing as there weren't any true events transpiring. I understand, however, that this wasn't the intent of the story; but, seeing as it is part of the criteria, I can't award too many points for it.
60 out of 75 points - Characters: At first, I was considering giving a low score, because you only had one character, but upon reconsideration I decided that this character was very strongly developed. His appreciation for nature, his anticipation of the future, and his courage are all well depicted. However, I felt that his physical appearance and his persona was almost non-existant, falling in the shadow of the description of the surrounding area (which was extremely well written...but over-emphasized at certain points)
50 out of 50 points - Wrting/Grammar: I honestly have very few complaints. There were a few awkward phrases (and if you'd like me to point those out, simply post on my review thread and I'll point them out to you), but aside from that, your word choice was phenomenal. You've got a knack for describing the background setting without overusing descriptive terms.
155 out of 200 points - Final Score
Extra Notes: I think your description, as mentioned previously, was incredible. However...it became redundant, at points, and the story was lacking in any true action. I don't know if you're still intending on submitting applications for more of your short stories, but I'll definitely look forward to reading them if you do. I'll go archive this one now.

13-Jul-2011 01:26:43 - Last edited on 19-Jul-2011 00:23:54 by Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Croc 2251

Posts: 5,867 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
In the second paragraph: "like a flood of pooling fire" There is no grammatical explanation behind this. I simply regarded it as an awkwardly sounding phrase.
4th paragraph: "Sight, smell, and touch, taste and hearing: all sharpened in distinction." I honestly didn't see this on my first read, but I'm not sure if it wouldn't be more accurate if the second clause came prior to the first. For instance: "All of my senses - sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing - sharpened in distinction." Looking at that, I wouldn't say it SOUNDS any better, but it makes more sense in a grammatical sense.
In the 4th paragraph, I spotted six "it"s, including the ones with apostrophes. Each was used to describe the wind. I felt like you could have avoided the redundancy by implementing at least a couple of synonyms in place of the pronoun.
5th paragraph: "that even I, a conquering general was human" This isn't necessarily incorrect, but I felt that the context would be much better suited with a comma after "general," to identify and emphasize the character rather than his rank; also, I feel that it would help the flow of the sentence.
5th, again: "As though it read my mood" I've never liked "As though". It's always sounded really awkward. However, it isn't incorrect. I think "As if" would be a better substitute.
6th: more "it"s.
8th: "disbelieving of its perfection". Yeah, no real explanation behind this. It just didn't sound right.
8th: the final sentence had four consecutive prepositional phrases. I'd advise serious revision on that one.
Yep, that's it.

13-Jul-2011 01:57:17

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