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97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~*~ In Protection ~*~
I’m not going to comment on this. At all.
THIS IS WHAT I SAY AND WHAT I SAY GOES.
~*~ My Purpose ~*~
Woah… this is a rather dark tale. Not dark like the others you’ve written, but dark in the fact that it’s saddening. There’s real feeling in this piece that really makes you feel sorry for the serf. Those last words really give a finality to the piece that is so needed, and it’s glorious. Seriously, I like this short. A lot. Like heaps. Like, this much *Holds out arms as wide as they can go*
Maybe a little too much comma usage, but I ain’t complaining.
~*~ Christmas Origins ~*~
This one needs a title. Seriously.
You probably could’ve appeared a lot smarter by choosing two well know towns on the east and west, said them, then taken north and south. But you did*’t. Silly boy.
Oh god, those eyes must burn so bad. You can just see the doubt creeping into his mind. It’s creepy. Though the ending sent shivers down my spine. Hopefully it was because of the story…
Santa’s not real? *Sadface*
~*~ A Sunrise ~*~
This story gave rise to a new style of writing. You’re focusing even more on description and I felt like you went over board on some cases. TOO MANY COLOURS. But yeah. More to come on this in the conclusion.
~*~ To Hell and Back ~*~
Woo! Fragments galore. I like fragments. Because they’re not incorrect grammar! They’re valid sentence techniques, regardless of what Microsoft word says. Damn you, green squiggly line! Anyways*
I think the fragments in this story really help bring the full paragraphs to the front and make them more effect. While they’re overused, I think that you’ve overused them correctly in this piece.
Lastly, the final line isn’t delivered with as much venom or foreboding that it could be. It seems like quite a week ending to me…

28-Oct-2009 05:33:31 - Last edited on 28-Oct-2009 05:34:45 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
MY CONCLUSION
Christ, you got this much out of me just going through your stories… I feel under paid…
Firstly, the collection is a fine, if little, collection. You’re stories seem to revolve around the whole tragedy genre (good choice, if I do say so myself) and it’s a refreshing read compared to your usual A/A genre-style. So woo for originality.
Your writing style started off very defined and frankly, better than most other people starting out here did. It was an enjoyable read. But as I said at A Sunrise, it changed. And I have to say that I did*’t like it as much any more. Description is nice, don’t get me wrong, as I love it as much as the next guy does. But seriously, too much is detrimental, especially in A Sunrise. I really can’t get into it as much as I could get into something like… My Purpose. The story line just seemed a backup to the description. Gotta make a compromise.
But those earlier stories were really good and worthwhile reads. You convey an emotion that most people strive to try and get into their stories. So, keep it up. Uhhh, yeah. That’s about it. Not a lot more to say really.
Oh, drop by the Abyss and leave a little blurb, eh?

28-Oct-2009 05:33:33 - Last edited on 28-Oct-2009 05:34:56 by 97swiftarm

Infinity A8

Infinity A8

Posts: 10,192 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey Chuk, some exquisite pieces of literature you have here! I read My Purpose and your untitled Christmas tale which were both fascinating and emotional. I did note one mistake in My Purpose:
"I was thrown from the castle into >I< life I do not know"
It should be an 'a' right? Other than that, very interesting! I shall be back to read more another time. ^_^

28-Oct-2009 06:13:00

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