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Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Oh, yes, I meant to mention that - the abstractness worked very well, and that's no small feat. I've adjusted your score to reflect my actual opinions. Not sure exactly what happened there :|
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

10-Aug-2009 23:42:11 - Last edited on 10-Aug-2009 23:42:56 by Orbestro

Xereva

Xereva

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I like it, Chuk. It's a hell of a difference from what you normally write. But I'd suggest keeping it to the same style as your longer paragraphs--this one, specifically:
"They shimmer in the night air in blazing hues of orange, red, yellow, and even white they burn so hot. All else dim, hardly visible, behind their light. But I can just make out the smoky silhouettes of crumbled walls and fallen roofs, charred wood and blackened stone. The remains of Wulfras. My city."
Especially in the last two sentences, you make sure that every word has a much larger impact. And while I love your short, rapid-fire style (the one you use in the middle of the piece) be careful not to use that too often. Reserve it for intense bursts of action, places where it absolutely must be faster and more vivid. Here, it was well-placed--but perhaps a little more drawn out than it should have been. See if you can remove a couple lines, a couple words here and there.
Overall, I loved it. You should try this out in other works of yours, I'd love to read more of it.

11-Aug-2009 00:18:40

Fet Warted
Dec Member 2023

Fet Warted

Posts: 916 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Im just an average guy playing the game.
And im no expert, but ive read your stories on this thread and i think they're amazing, and they really fill me with emotion. Especially the first red spiders one. ( i dont remember the name sorry).
I'd LOVE to hear more.
Great work and best of luck for the future.
:D

27-Oct-2009 02:27:07

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you very much! You can try checking out my long story "Echoes of the Gods" if you want, or you can check back here and I'll see if I write anything else.
I'm glad you stopped by and I'm even more glad you enjoyed what you read.

27-Oct-2009 02:30:29

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
So, I like, totally did*’t forget about this. I’ve always meant to do it, but just never had time? Convincing? Anyways, I’m here doing it now so I guess I have to say ‘better late than never’. So, this is a little bit different, as it’s a short stories collection. I guess I’ll sub-title everything and work through my usual stuff. My conclusion might be fun, though D= By the way, I’m not reading the poems. I agreed to stories =D
~*~ Christmas Dream ~*~
Ahhh, Christmas Dream. The first story I ever read of yours, no? Well, yes, actually. Anyways, away we go! Your first two sentences really grind at me for some unknown reason. While they are grammatically correct to stay the same, the flow just isn’t the same as the following sentences. I’m attributing that to the fact that they’re minor sentences, which I don’t really enjoy. My reasoning for that is that in this case, it comes across as you saying “First this happened. Then this happened.* I don’t like it like that. But anyways.
The way you introduce Erun is interesting. Basically, you just go “This is him. Look at him. Pity him!”. Frankly, it works! However, you kinda detract from the feeling of pity by saying “November 22”. We don’t need a date, we only need a time, which is given by you saying “a month earlier”. Too much information is bad. But you do build up some suspense, which is a good thing, considering what is happening.
While needed, the little healing bit seems to come across as needless information. Again, I get this feeling of ‘this happened, then this’. Each sentence doesn’t seem to roll into the next with a flowing grace. If it doesn’t flow, it won’t glow. So make it flow.
I really get this feeling of telling what’s happening. As you know, I prefer to be shown what’s happening, as it’s much more… drawing. The first paragraph of the dream would be much more powerful. Another little thing would be to make Santa not appear to be talking a million miles an hour.

28-Oct-2009 05:33:17 - Last edited on 28-Oct-2009 05:33:55 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
He just walks in and goes “THIS THIS THIS BELIEVE ME”. Succinct, yes, but hardly effective. What is effective, however, is the little speech that follows by our delightful red man. He comes across as that person that doesn’t give a damn what you think of them, as long as he tells you the truth. Putting myself into that position got me thinking that that is exactly what I would want and kind of connects me to the character a little more. Look, it makes sense in my head, so take it and move on.
Ending seems a little cliché, but who gives a damn? It’s effective.
~*~ Waters of Time ~*~
Okay, first sentence could be so much more effective if you had direct antitheses to each of the words. Instead you had two the same, two the same and two different. Sadness and Joys could go together and sufferings could be replaced with defeats? I dunno what you wanna do, but antitheses are so much cooler and so much more effective.
This is a rather simple story, just talking about the circle of life using a river as a metaphor. It’s flippin’ awesome. Simple stories are often the ones that make us think the most, and Waters of Time does just that. Nicely done.
~*~ Valour ~*~
^^ I’m spelling it the right way ^-^
Brilliant introduction. Simple, yet gives a great picture of a tortured soul in a moonlit cage. I hate it when people over describe something that is better left described simply. Then you change it up by skipping to midday. Man, antithesis is awesome.
I think living dead should be living-dead. I think. Nice oxymoron, though.
Yeah, I can do all that too.
~*~ Betrayal of the Night ~*~
Me thinks I’ve read this before. One of your contest entries, perhaps? But anyway, this story for me is one of your weakest. It’s kinda like a… nothing story. Just a slice-of-life story, nothing more and nothing less. Beautiful description in the moon, but I’ve seen that before. This is just… a ‘I dunno* story.

28-Oct-2009 05:33:18 - Last edited on 28-Oct-2009 05:34:15 by 97swiftarm

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