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Dreamweaver's Assorted Tales

Quick find code: 49-50-691-49415905

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Greetings! Welcome to:

.o~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~o.
<~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ DREAMWEAVER'S ASSORTED TALES ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~>
'o~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~o'

If you came here looking for something humorous to read, then I hope I can be of assistance. Not every piece here is a comedy, though most are. I recommend "Don't Eat the Chicken" on page 19 for starters, or dive right in anywhere. Enjoy!

Page 1: How to Make a Mountain
Page 1: The Enigma of the Trees
Page 2: The Stable Boy and the Shield
Page 2: Wino the Rhino
Page 5: A Shaggy Dog Story
Page 14: Under the Tiger Sky (Joint Authorship with DieScammers8)
Page 19: Don't Eat the Chicken
Page 20: Slumbering Ugly
Page 23: Wintumber Wonderland
Page 27: 100-Word Contest
Page 27: A Reply to Balnea
Page 28: You Look Hungry
Page 33: The Emissary of Death
Page 34: I am Vasquen
Page 35: Twenty Paces
Page 35: The Perfect Crime
Page 35: Very Weak Stone Soup
Page 37: The Cook's Assistant
Page 39: Woe to the Pipe-Fitter
Page 40: A Disaster Revealed
Page 40: The Destruction of Gielinor
Page 40: Revenential Wafting
Page 40: The Speech
Page 42: Revenge
Page 43: Entries to Lebraun's Contest
Page 44: Departure (Lebraun's Contest)
Page 48: Alllll Chaaaaange!
Page 49: Drone
Page 53: Gundey's Line
Page 55: Desolation
Page 56: The Emergency Call
Page 57: Twin Trees (Co-authored by One Hot Stud)
Page 60: The Lay of Lina
Page 61: Dreamweaver -- The Legend
Page 61: Victory
Page 66: Operation Sandstorm
Page 69: Ralph the Insipid and the Three Hobgoblins of Derring-Do
Page 71: The Gem
(94 story posts in total)

My longer tale, entitled "Nildi of Keldagrim" may also be found on this forum at the quick-find code: 49-50-957-32282822.
Many thanks for stopping by and reading!
Dreamweaver

10-Aug-2007 04:06:01 - Last edited on 31-Aug-2011 04:10:27 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
.o~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~o.
<~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ HOW TO MAKE A MOUNTAIN ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~>
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There are three ways to make a mountain, according to the Druid philosopher, Miy Branehertz. The first is to enslave a million goblins, pass out wheelbarrows, and tell them each to move a thousand loads of dirt from over there to right here. The second is to use the same million goblins, give them all spades, and tell them to dig down until things get really hot and red liquid stuff shoots out of the hole they’re all standing in.
The last method doesn’t involve goblins. It involves gods. Miy Branehertz was absolutely correct with his third theory, though he never knew it because he did*’t get out much to test that kind of thing. But gods do make mountains. This is one story of how.
Way back in the thick fogs of time, before they were just mists, three gods were made. We could stop here and discuss how gods are made, from where they came, and whether or not birth is involved. But this isn’t a medical manual for the divine, so I will continue onwards.
So we have three gods. They were called Saradomin, Zamorak and Guthix. And they argued a lot. A lot!
Unfortunately, even young gods are able to do marvelously powerful things such as brew storms, lay waste to perfectly productive arable land, and create popular lines of designer robes. So you can imagine that sibling rivalry on the deity level is alarming. If you can*t imagine that, you would be advised to stop reading now, because imagination is the only thing that’s going to get you through the rest of this.
~continued~

10-Aug-2007 04:06:10 - Last edited on 05-Dec-2008 06:50:11 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Anyway, it was back in the first age when these three brothers decided to make a world. Kids! I mean, why you would suddenly decide to go and make a complete world with no planning? And with your brothers that you spend most of your time throwing lightning bolts at? It is a wonder to me that Gielinor exists in such great shape today.

Things progressed nicely for the first few thousand years. Saradomin and Zamorak made a big round ball of muck. Then Guthix came along and drizzled water over half of it. Guthix was always one for balance. Everything had to be half wet, half dry, half hot, half cold. You get the idea.

Let’s zoom in.

The gods started concentrating on the details. Saradomin ambled around the globe, making trees, flowers and box hedge mazes, sculpting unicorns and elves and other attractive things. Zamorak, who was in a bad mood most of the time, made trolls and snakes and dark caves. He turned rain to acid and sprinkled it over Saradomin’s forests, and set goats loose in his flower gardens. Guthix just sulked, because he was much smaller than his brothers, and they always picked on him if they weren’t arguing themselves. But he did throw in some neutral stuff like deserts and seaweed.

Slowly, the world grew in complexity. The animals and plants flourished and died, and flourished and died. This might seem pointless from an overall perspective, but evolution sneaked in and tweaked things when the gods weren’t paying attention.

~continued~

10-Aug-2007 04:06:16 - Last edited on 10-Aug-2007 04:15:14 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Enter the second age. The races that considered themselves intelligent thought that it might be progressive to coalesce into civilizations. It takes a big, intelligent race to coin a word like “civilization” because that same large group then gets to look down its collective noses at others and call them “uncivilized.” Seeing the antics of all these little people, trying to be civilized but having no clue how to achieve it – the gods decided to help get them started by providing towns and cities.

Let’s zoom in even further.

The gods each fostered their own races. Guthix took the Dwarves, poked holes into some mountains with his little finger, and taught those hairy little guys how to tunnel around for themselves. They called the place “Keldagrim” which means… actually I have no idea what it means. I don’t speak Dwarvish or whatever, but it isn’t very relevant to this tale. Next, Guthix moved south and helped some druids build a little stone circle and dance around it on equinoxes. Ahh, heady days indeed! Then he started making another Dwarven city just west of there.

Meanwhile, Zamorak was out east, decomposing some nice rolling hills and making them into a festering swampland of err… swamps. He roused bunches of ghastly ghasts and haunted the area with vampires and leeches. Then he did unhealthy things with graveyards and barrows and stuff that young gods really shouldn’t know about, let alone play with.

At the same time, Saradomin was fiddling around with his gnomes. He taught them to play Gnome Ball, which was lucky when you consider the name of the game. He gave them a big fancy tree to live in, and when he found they couldn’t climb it, he gave them an agility course to practice in first.

~continued~

10-Aug-2007 04:06:21 - Last edited on 10-Aug-2007 04:15:37 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
And as the three brothers built, they argued. Well, Saradomin and Zamorak did.

“Don’t corrupt my snails, Zamorak!”

“I already have! And look at Khazard. They’re fighting your gnomes!”

“Curse you!”

“I do the cursing around here!”

“Not me you don’t. You’re pathetic.”

“You’re pathetic.”

“I’m telling…”

“STOP IT!” screamed Guthix suddenly. “STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU!”

Saradomin and Zamorak looked shocked for a second. Then they each stooped down, grabbed a huge handful of earth and hurled it at Guthix.

Ker-BLAM!

He, along with his new Dwarven town and all its occupants, were completely covered. They’re still under there for all I know. Then Saradomin and Zamorak continued bickering as if nothing had happened.

So what does this have to do with Miy Branehertz and his crackpot theories?

Saradomin created the lake below the Baxtorian Falls when he threw his dirt. Zamorak created the wide bit in the River Salve when he threw his. And both piles landed on the same spot near Catherby - now known as White Wolf Mountain.


~Dreamweaver~
March 2007

10-Aug-2007 04:06:27 - Last edited on 10-Aug-2007 05:08:22 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
.o~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~o.
<~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ THE ENIGMA OF THE TREES ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~>
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As a reasonably well-traveled adventurer of the lands of Runescape, I have gazed upon many marvels: ancient desert pyramids, insubstantial yet terrifying ghasts, cities on magical planes and even mythical centaurs. Yet one marvel stays with me above all others because it is so much a part of the land that few stop to even consider it anything but normal.
I speak of the trees of Runescape that grow so rapidly that as soon as one is hewn asunder from its stump, the axe-wielder can scarcely catch breath before that same tree is fully and maturely regrown! For many a year, I had gazed upon this enigma, aching to better understand this extraordinary miracle of nature, until I finally decided to approach the druids of Taverley to find out what I may. This is the story of that quest for knowledge.
Now these druids keep a small library of history and lore that they have built up over many years, yet they withhold this trove from outsiders with understandable strictness. However, with earnest questioning (and equally earnest herb-gathering on their request) I was at last granted supervised access to their knowledge. Yet for days, nowhere within the parchments and tomes did I read a scrap about the growth rate of trees, nor whether they grew faster or slower back in the mists of time. Finally, as I almost believed that the library held nothing for me, and as my generous hosts were convinced I’d overstayed my welcome, I discovered one intriguing reference in a moldy and obscure book that caught my keen eye. Yet it was not written by a druid at all. It was just collected by one many years ago, and then promptly forgotten about.
~continued~

10-Aug-2007 04:06:33 - Last edited on 12-Nov-2007 05:36:44 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The writer proclaimed himself to be a seer who took a particular interest in the flora of the lands. He stated that the trees used to age and grow slowly over tens or hundreds of years. He wrote of a land that had scarcely a mature tree still standing. Almost all forests had been cut away due to the races that inhabit the lands using wood for their buildings and their tools. Yet he did not elaborate on this unsettling vision, or tell from whence his knowledge came.

I had to get to the Seer's Village to research further!


************************************************************

After a week or so, trekking arduously through the dangerous passes of White Wolf Mountain, I made it safely to the lowland Kingdom of Kandarin and journeyed west to the Village of the Seers.

The Seers are a friendly bunch and treat outsiders with great respect and courtesy. When I laid out my purpose to them they were yet more enthusiastic because their thirst for both gaining and imparting knowledge is well known. Thankfully they did indeed have a new lead for me, yet it was one that put a near insurmountable obstacle in the way of me continuing my research.

An aged individual by the name of Larus met me in the village tavern one evening, carrying with him a collection of scrolls in a language I was unable to decipher. He explained to me that the scrolls were of Elven origin, and came from an explorer of that noble and mysterious race. They described the fabled Yommi tree, a species known for its peculiarly quick growth pattern. Unfortunately, the Yommi was also noted for its extreme rarity, and whether or not it still existed at all was mere guesswork.

~continued~

10-Aug-2007 04:06:37 - Last edited on 10-Aug-2007 05:01:43 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Larus theorized from his own studies that in ages gone by, Yommi were more widespread about the lands. He stated excitedly that to encourage the faster growth of all trees and to help reforest the lands and satisfy the ever-growing need for quality timber, the Yommi tree was conceivably cross-germinated with many other species to create hybrids that grew at an accelerated rate. However, to test this conjecture, the Seer told me that the only thing to do would be to travel to Karamja Island, where the Yommi was last sighted by the writer of these scrolls, recover an existing specimen -- if one even existed -- and allow him to compare leaf forms, root structures, growth patterns and so on.

I am no master herbologist by any means, but I saw the logic in his ideas. I had to get to Karamja to continue the quest.


************************************************************

Knowing several salty characters in the fishing port of Catherby, I was able to buy cheap passage on a small trawler to Brimhaven on northern Karamja. Once there, I sharpened my trusty axe, acquired a long machete from a local tribesman after promising to fix up his fence in my spare time, and hacked southwards into the thick jungle.

Larus had told me that the further south I went the more chance I would have of finding a Yommi tree, and he had provided me with as detailed a description of it as he could. I felt confident in my task as I progressed, though the jungles are not for the faint of heart.

After several more weeks of toil, and a number of unpleasant scrapes with poisonous denizens, I made it through to a section of jungle that was off the southern edge of my map. I needed a longer piece of paper, and fast! But onwards I went. I had to cut through a great deal of undergrowth and endure onslaughts from many vicious beasts including the cunning Karamja wolf, but I felt in my heart that I was getting closer to finding my tree.

~continued~

10-Aug-2007 04:06:42 - Last edited on 10-Aug-2007 05:02:13 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Many days went by, with not a single sighting of a Yommi. I was exhausted and half-delirious from my unsavory diet of Oomlie meat until one day a jungle native slipped out from behind a stand of palms and indicated that he'd been tracking me for some time. I hid my shock as best as I could, and explained through a variety of ambiguous arm movements what it was I was seeking. Apparently, I also explained that his half-sister had the attractiveness of an ants nest and in-laws that smelled like drying seaweed. But that was unintentional.
After straightening out the social blunder, I learned from him that the Yommi were sacred to his people and he could not give me a single cutting or sapling to take away. Yet I was thrilled beyond belief just to hear that the tree still existed, and was able to negotiate a meeting with the tribal leader to whom (through further complex signaling) I put my question of the Yommi tree's remarkable growth.
With great reverence, he lead me to a beautiful Yommi in a secluded clearing, but what he told me there was a great shock to my ears! The Yommi is both ancient and mysterious, he indicated, but its speed of growth was not always so rapid. He suggested that I should speak to the Gnomes about how that came to be!

************************************************************
To think that I had traveled so far and risked my life many times over, only to find that the secret to the rapid growth of Runescape's trees was held not within the depths of Karamja but by the Gnomes back north! I hastened back to Brimhaven, wasting no more time amid the dangers of the jungle.
An old retired pirate who owed me a favor from several years back agreed to ferry me westward to Port Khazard in return for a couple of bags of juicy papayas. The old seadog was suffering from scurvy and needed all the help he could get.
~continued~

10-Aug-2007 04:06:47 - Last edited on 10-Jan-2008 18:23:16 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Back on terra firma, I made my way to the defensive maze of the tree Gnomes. Thankfully I had conducted some minor business with the Gnomes in the past, so the King was somewhat of an acquaintance of mine. I was able, with my last remaining papaya, to convince a guard to lead me into the village without too much difficulty.

Upon arrival, I hastened directly to the Grand Tree and found his graceful majesty, King Narnode Shareen, meditating as he often does. He recognized me after a little prompting and asked me what I required of him. When he heard my question he laughed in delight!

"Yes Dreamweaver, it was indeed our Gnomish ancestors who caused the trees to be endowed with the rapid growth you see today.

“We were most concerned for their well-being, so quickly were they being cut down across the lands. So the grand council of the Gnomes convened and beseeched the tree spirits to hasten all plant growth, and it was made so, if we in turn swore to protect and serve the spirit trees. The Yommi, being the rarest was the first to benefit, but all trees now have this property, to a greater or lesser extent."


************************************************************

So finally I had my answer! I rushed back to my old friend Larus, to tell him the good news. True to form, he carefully recorded my tale word for word as I told it, so that future inquiring minds could appreciate the wonder of the trees and to whom we should be thankful for it: The Gnomes and the very spirit trees themselves.

~continued~

10-Aug-2007 04:06:51 - Last edited on 10-Aug-2007 05:05:30 by Dreamweaver

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