Forums
A New Era
Quick find code: 49-50-689-52457909
bump write more please
27-Dec-2008 19:34:07
Haven't read far, but it's great so far. Planning to read more later
30-Dec-2008 22:03:35
Here's your review, OHS.
>>>Characters – 34/40
Development: 15/20
-There was not much in way of characterization at all.
Interaction: 19/20
-Very smooth and natural.
>>>Description – 26/30
Character: 12/15
-It was bad. I didn't even know Turaek was a gnome until halfway through, and I still have no idea what he looks like.
Setting: 14/15
-Nothing fancy, but in a story like this, excessive description really interrupts the flow. So, excellent.
>>>Style - 17/20
-I liked how natural your dialogue sounded, which earned you some style points
>>>Plot - 32/35
Pace: 10/10
-Perfect. Kept my interest very well.
Content: 22/25
-It unfolds quite slowly, and there didn't seem to be any point to the Castle Wars scene.
>>>Mechanics - 20/25
Grammar/Spelling: 7/10
-You have huge past/present tense issues, and some minor typos and comma mis-usage.
Syntax: 13/15
-Your wording worked well enough, usually. I pointed out a few mistakes.
Your Overall Grade: 129/150, or 86%
Continued...
~
rbie
>>>Characters – 34/40
Development: 15/20
-There was not much in way of characterization at all.
Interaction: 19/20
-Very smooth and natural.
>>>Description – 26/30
Character: 12/15
-It was bad. I didn't even know Turaek was a gnome until halfway through, and I still have no idea what he looks like.
Setting: 14/15
-Nothing fancy, but in a story like this, excessive description really interrupts the flow. So, excellent.
>>>Style - 17/20
-I liked how natural your dialogue sounded, which earned you some style points
>>>Plot - 32/35
Pace: 10/10
-Perfect. Kept my interest very well.
Content: 22/25
-It unfolds quite slowly, and there didn't seem to be any point to the Castle Wars scene.
>>>Mechanics - 20/25
Grammar/Spelling: 7/10
-You have huge past/present tense issues, and some minor typos and comma mis-usage.
Syntax: 13/15
-Your wording worked well enough, usually. I pointed out a few mistakes.
Your Overall Grade: 129/150, or 86%
Continued...
~
rbie
Lorehound
through and through.
31-Dec-2008 18:08:47
>”The fires rage intensely all night and finally burn out early morning the next day. The small number of survivors can almost hear the gods weeping.”
More tense trouble. ‘Rage’ should be ‘raged’, ‘can’ should be *thought they could’
>”Turaek stands up and walks with the man.”
This is a bad way to introduce a new character. No description, not even a gender, just a name.
>”The calls of tropical birds can be heard echoing from the dense, tropical jungle.”
Tropical birds in a tropical jungle? No wai! Take out the second tropical.
>”Turaek chuckled.”
Past tense again! I’m going to stop pointing it out.
>”Tylas face became very serious. “I haven’t gone 200 miles out to the middle of nowhere just to chat. I came here to discuss matters of the utmost importance.”
Tylas pauses as if he’s choosing his words carefully. “By the looks of it, we’re gonna need your help….again.”
You do not need to and should not separate these lines of dialogue, as it is the same person speaking.
>”His nose was very crooked, a result of breaking his nose more than once.”
This is the point of pronouns – change the second ‘his nose’ to *it’.
>”The figure appeared to shrink in size, but as they followed, they realized they were descending down a stairs.”
‘Down a stairs’ should be ‘down some stairs’ or ‘down a staircase*. It’s a matter of number agreement.
_______________
That's the end of my review. Overall I enjoyed your story quite a lot, and your dialogue was very refreshing. Its surprising how writers who can describe beautifully can be very awkward with character interaction. You don't have that problem
~
rbie
More tense trouble. ‘Rage’ should be ‘raged’, ‘can’ should be *thought they could’
>”Turaek stands up and walks with the man.”
This is a bad way to introduce a new character. No description, not even a gender, just a name.
>”The calls of tropical birds can be heard echoing from the dense, tropical jungle.”
Tropical birds in a tropical jungle? No wai! Take out the second tropical.
>”Turaek chuckled.”
Past tense again! I’m going to stop pointing it out.
>”Tylas face became very serious. “I haven’t gone 200 miles out to the middle of nowhere just to chat. I came here to discuss matters of the utmost importance.”
Tylas pauses as if he’s choosing his words carefully. “By the looks of it, we’re gonna need your help….again.”
You do not need to and should not separate these lines of dialogue, as it is the same person speaking.
>”His nose was very crooked, a result of breaking his nose more than once.”
This is the point of pronouns – change the second ‘his nose’ to *it’.
>”The figure appeared to shrink in size, but as they followed, they realized they were descending down a stairs.”
‘Down a stairs’ should be ‘down some stairs’ or ‘down a staircase*. It’s a matter of number agreement.
_______________
That's the end of my review. Overall I enjoyed your story quite a lot, and your dialogue was very refreshing. Its surprising how writers who can describe beautifully can be very awkward with character interaction. You don't have that problem
~
rbie
Lorehound
through and through.
31-Dec-2008 18:11:18
Quick find code: 49-50-689-52457909 Back to Top