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Mod Luiz

Mod Luiz

Jagex Moderator Forum Profile Posts by user
Hi iTz BeAsTn, iMow and Prefix Three.
Please keep the posts related to the topic.
No flaming here please.
Cheers.

02-Feb-2010 04:36:40 - Last edited on 02-Feb-2010 04:39:43 by Mod Luiz

Azizella XV
Dec Member 2023

Azizella XV

Posts: 5,862 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
its written in script (only to be used in Comedy stories) it doesnt really appeal much and the name is plagarised off the Halo enemy, the Covanent* but still.. except all of your fatal mistakes, its an alright story..

08-Feb-2010 20:40:08 - Last edited on 08-Feb-2010 20:40:32 by Azizella XV

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,888 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay, Oss Spy, I'm going to agree a LITTLE with Psycho. He seems to be a bit foolish, but he has this right: Making fun of somebody's Runescape account on the forums isn't funny. I'm saying this as a guy with level 28 combat. This is a story forum. If you want something to mock flamers about, ask them to show their writing. Seems more appropriate, is all.
Seems like an okay story. I'm not a fan of the Script format, but it might work here, we'll see.
/\Grr...if Halo has taken the word 'Covenant' off the list of options, I am depressed this day. A bad videogame has damaged writing potential.
EDIT: By the way, the 'People who made sense' thing is kind of obnoxious. You only list one person, a person who said nothing but positive stuff about you're story. In doing that, you're pretty much saying that only those who compliment your story have any writing taste. You should either review this or remove it altogether.

08-Feb-2010 21:06:49 - Last edited on 08-Feb-2010 21:10:31 by YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,888 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay, reviewing your story:
(by the way, the 'say what to change instead of what's wrong' format is pretty inconvenient)
Well, you don't make it clear what is going on in the story, this should be changed. Your 'chapters' are extremely small, and I think you should replace them with line breaks. And in the very beginning, the guy tells the corporal (a rank too high for his subservience, too)to call him by his real name. This is extremely unprofessional and would never happen in a real army situation.
I'm sorry, but this story just doesn't seem all that great. I'm afraid it really needs some improvement, and perhaps it has improved, but nobody is ever going to want to read it when the beginning is as it is.

08-Feb-2010 21:16:50 - Last edited on 08-Feb-2010 21:17:53 by YuBiusk Ink

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