RuneScape Forum Archive | Well Told Tales

Legionnaire

Posts: 20,901 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

, "know what" Mandy asked. "Well", just then the door opens and Tommy walks in. "Whats going on" Tommy asked, "please sit down both of you" Justin said.

Tommy and Mandy sat down at the oak table.They were waiting quietly for their father to speak.

"Well, I've been call back to fight the Horde" Justin stated calmly; Tommy looks down at the table, while Mandy starts to cry.Elizabeth came over to the children still crying and made an attempt to comfort them. "You said, you wouldn't fight ever again" Tommy yelled with tears running down his cheek, like a river going down a stream. "Listen, its not my choice, its the king choice" Justin said.

Suddenly there is a knock on the door, Justin walks over and opens the door.Two Elite Guard in black were standing in the doorway.

"Are you Commander Justin" a guard asked, "yes, I am" Justin replied. "You are to come with us to the castle." another guard said. "Can you give me a minute" he asked, the guards nodded.

When he re-enter the kitchen, his family is still crying. "Well the guards are here to to take me to the castle" Justin stated blankly, "well...your king calls you...so go" Elizabeth shouted. "I know this is hard for you, but you must understand its not my choice" Justin said "but do not think of this as me leaving.This is the hard part saying good-bye to love ones. Let this be your last tear you shed for me because I will always be in your hear.Even if I die in the war, please always remember I'm in your heart; remember me for every moment we shared, every memory we had, and everything I did. Never forget our struggles and victories. Always remember this will be the last tear, that you will shed" Justin said tears filling his eyes.

The family ran over to him and he gave them a hug. A hug that will never be forgotten.

"I love you all" Justin said walking towards the door with tears dripping off his face, "we love you to" they replied, but it was too late.

A month later a knock on the door came. Time4Rants RIP Never Forget! 2010-2013, In Memory of Old Timer: ""I'm a doctor, not a spiritual medium!" RIP ;(

Shy Lego 2010-2011 RIP

,

Lego x LD= Forbidden Love. Legita=Forbidden Love

29-May-2010 21:18:49

Legionnaire

Posts: 20,901 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Elizabeth walks towards the door and opens it; there are two guards standing in the door.

"May we come in" one guard asked, Elizabeth nodded. "Mam, I am sorry to report that your husband, Justin, was killed in battle trying to save a fellow soldier. "No, this can't be happening" Elizabeth said hers eyes turning bright red, "we are sorry for your lost" the guard said walking out of the room. "Mommy, whats wrong" Mandy and Tommy asked, "your father died in battle today" Elizabeth responded crying.

The kids start to cry and Elizabeth walks over and hugs them both; they cried as a family.

"Please children let us not cry anymore. Let us remember what he said before he left" Elizabeth stated wiping her eyes with her hand.

On the day of Justin's funeral there were no birds singing about joy.There were only Justin's family and friends gathering around his grave.Everyone is crying at Justin's funeral, except Elizabeth, Mandy, and Tommy because they remembered what he said. "Even if I die, always remember I'm in your heart.Always remember that this will be the last tear you shed for me". Time4Rants RIP Never Forget! 2010-2013, In Memory of Old Timer: ""I'm a doctor, not a spiritual medium!" RIP ;(

Shy Lego 2010-2011 RIP

,

Lego x LD= Forbidden Love. Legita=Forbidden Love

29-May-2010 21:19:17

Legionnaire

Posts: 20,901 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Author Feelings: lol when I first wrote this story it brought tears to my eyes at the end.I never thought I would have tears in my eyes writing a story lol. Please review it and tell me what I should fix and what you liked. Time4Rants RIP Never Forget! 2010-2013, In Memory of Old Timer: ""I'm a doctor, not a spiritual medium!" RIP ;(

Shy Lego 2010-2011 RIP

,

Lego x LD= Forbidden Love. Legita=Forbidden Love

29-May-2010 21:21:00

Jun

2010

Eri Vi

Posts: 965 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

DragoonRnger, is this your entry for the competition..?
If it is, then, unfortunately, it doesn't qualify. The theme for the contest is "On the Sea."
I hope you have time to write another, still a few days left.

And Ogre, I agree. Defying reality is the best part of story-writing.

The problem was tiny; you said the water would be freezing down the bottom.
Two things wrong with that: at 20k feet the heat from the centre of the earth would be enough to heat the water.
The other thing is that water is at its densest at 4 degrees Celsius, so at the bottom of any given body of water the temperature will be 4 degrees. (Assuming you have a range of temperature including 4 degrees. If the entire body is colder then it will be at its warmest at the bottom.)

30-May-2010 06:13:43 - Last edited on 30-May-2010 08:03:08 by Eri Vi

Crocefisso

Posts: 1,385 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

So far, all of these entries seem to be of wonderfully high quality (though I haven't read the entry above, be it for the competition or not).
I will be submitting my entry closer to the deadline due to the constraints of time, just to let you know.

30-May-2010 10:00:05

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Alright everybody, good work. Remember the deadline is coming up! I will work on grading these stories now, however.
So far the qualifying contestants are:
ITIalevolent
Azigarath
Baron Ogre
I will not list your scores, as that would be unfair (naturally). But good work all three of you.
DragoonRnger:
While your most recent story was a wonderful improvement over your last, it doesn't exactly qualify for the contest.
The story needs to revolve around something "On the Sea".
I will be adding your story to the index however, and I hope that you will write one for the contest. =]
Thanks all for your involvement in this event, and I apologize again for having been absent of late.

30-May-2010 18:12:38

Legionnaire

Posts: 20,901 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Lol no this isn't my entry.It was a totally different story.My entry will be coming out in like a few days.I am working on a story for the Competition. Time4Rants RIP Never Forget! 2010-2013, In Memory of Old Timer: ""I'm a doctor, not a spiritual medium!" RIP ;(

Shy Lego 2010-2011 RIP

,

Lego x LD= Forbidden Love. Legita=Forbidden Love

30-May-2010 23:20:42

Jun

2010

Eri Vi

Posts: 965 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Hey DragoonRnger, considering that wasn’t your entry to the competition, and Logan is most likely busy with all the other entries, I thought I would do a quick review of your story.
Hopefully it will help with your entry too.

The first thing that jumps out at me is your habit of switching between past and present tense.
The majority is in past – so I’ll assume that’s what it’s meant to be.
The very first line:
“The morning sun glows over the city and the bells rang as loud as thunder.” – That’s ‘present’ tense. As if you were writing as it happened. It should be written:
“The morning sun ‘glowed’ over the city and the bells rang as loud as thunder.”

There are quite a few instances where you do that throughout the story:
“The figure ‘stretched,’ while shading his eyes from the yellow glare; the figure ‘walked’ towards a mirror and ‘looked’ at his reflection.”
And so on, I’ll leave you to find the rest.
The next thing is the use of commas. Take this line as an example:
“[...]suddenly the door opens and tall brown hair woman with brown eyes walks in.”
Reading this sentence gives the impression that a woman walks in, a woman with ‘tall brown hair.’
There should be a comma after tall to signify that the woman is tall, not the hair. It also wouldn’t be a bad thing to hyphenate “brown-haired,” so that the reader understands that the hair is brown, not the woman.
“[...]suddenly the door opens and tall>,< brown-haired woman with brown eyes walks in.”

Now, about the dialogue; you should really break up your paragraphs around dialogue, to make it more obvious who’s speaking. Here’s an example with comma’s, tense and paragraph-breaking needed.
"Justin>,< breakfast is ready and the children are already eating" the woman said.
"I will be down in a moment my love" Justin said happily.
"Well you might want to hurry up" the woman said, as she ‘walked’ out of the room.

31-May-2010 05:27:15

Jun

2010

Eri Vi

Posts: 965 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Here’s another one that could do with a lot of work. Ah yes, I remember something now.
"(...)picnic" Justin stated picking up a waffle.” – There HAS to be a comma after ‘stated.’ You do this quite a few times throughout the story. The way I read it, without the comma, is that Justin says: “picking up a waffle.”
There is a dire need for a comma after ‘stated.’
“"Good morning Tommy and Mandy" Justin replied smiling.” – Honestly, this seems ‘too’ perfect. It’s dialogue, try making it a little more casual.
"Morning Tommy, Mandy," Justin replied, smiling. – I feel something like that is better suited.

"Morning dad," the children said.
"Morning Tommy, Mandy." Justin replied, smiling.
"You finally decided to come down. Lucky you, there's still some breakfast left." Elizabeth said, walking over to give her husband a kiss.
"I was thinking that, maybe, we could go to the park and have a picnic" Justin stated, picking up a waffle.
"Well, I wish I could come dad, but I'm going over to Andrew's house." Tommy said.
"Well that's fine. What about you, Mandy?" Justin said.
"I come dad," Mandy exclaimed, "I love the park!"
"Will you be joining us, my love?" Justin asked.
"Of course I will," Elizabeth replied.
There ya go, that was my take on the first post of the story.
I hope it helps, and feel free to ask if there’s something you don’t understand.

31-May-2010 05:27:28 - Last edited on 31-May-2010 05:36:45 by Eri Vi

Legionnaire

Posts: 20,901 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Thanks for the Editing ITIalevolent.I be sure to change the commas,but I am confuse on how my story was in past tense because I read through the story and I really didn't see much past tense.Except "He remembered when he first saw her she was an angel in his eyes". That one was suppose to be a flashback,but maybe it was misunderstood.If you can clear that up for me;I'm sure I understand your editing/review.

Edit: I can't really change the commas because then the whole story will get spilted apart lol. Time4Rants RIP Never Forget! 2010-2013, In Memory of Old Timer: ""I'm a doctor, not a spiritual medium!" RIP ;(

Shy Lego 2010-2011 RIP

,

Lego x LD= Forbidden Love. Legita=Forbidden Love

31-May-2010 23:50:04 - Last edited on 31-May-2010 23:52:44 by Legionnaire

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