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You could even use his thoughts, but just describing it outright seems lazy to me.
hell; I bet somebody has died in there wedding ceremony.--has died in their wedding ceremony
"Because this is our time,” Ivan said. “It would just be too cruel for us to die.” Ivan said confidently, but with slight recoil. Lester was like a prophet. Kind of crazy at
first, but if left in the right situation they can spread their ideas like mould. --Using two 'said' phrases sounds repetitive. Try it this way: "Because this is our
time, Ivan said, "It would just be too cruel for us to die now, being so close and all." A little elaboration also helps. The whole 'confidently, but with slight recoil'
stands out because it does not jibe with the next part. Try adding something to his speech to portray those sudden misgivings a bit. For the part with the prophet, you need to be much more clear on if those are Ivan's thoughts or not. Good grief, I have to say it sounds bad when the narrator puts too much direct information about the situation in a 3rd person story. You must *show* and not *tell* my friend. Oh, and typo there at the end, mold. btw, doesn't mold grow very slowly?
Sorry for the heat there, I am only trying to help you fix the story if you want to.
He almost couldn’t watch, so he covered his eyes with his hands--I'd take out the 'almost' here.
He almost couldn’t’ remember what she looked like. --Same thing.
Oh my God I don’t know what my mom looks like.’ --An exclamation mark would go well here. Otherwise sounds like a normal thing, but he is starting to freak out, and you want to convey that stress.
Let me help you find your mommy,” The clown said and grabbed Ivan’s hand.-You should lowercase 'the' and put a comma after 'said.'
piercing his teeth threw his white glove.--Using 'his' twice is very confusing, I'd replace the second one with a 'the.' Oh, and it's spelled "through" in this
case.

12-Jul-2009 02:51:46 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2009 02:53:04 by Skirata605

12-Jul-2009 02:55:10 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2009 02:57:45 by Skirata605

Ah, skirata, you along with Die have pointed out the most atrocious part of my writing. My proof-reading. That list is very helpful. I will go through it and try to fix as much as I can. Thanks for your help. I might comment on a few of your comments though.
"For the part with the prophet, you need to be much more clear on if those are Ivan's thoughts or not."
***
Personally, I don't think it matters whether it's his thoughts are not. Lester is like a prophet, just based on what he says. Period.
"Good grief, I have to say it sounds bad when the narrator puts too much direct information about the situation in a 3rd person story. You must *show* and not *tell* my friend."
~~~
Doesn't it sound bad when the commentee has to comment on the commenter? Just kidding, but I do like to think I show a lot, which hopefully you will see later. Though I like to focus a bit on dialogue. Readers like talking. Well, I do at least.
"Oh, and typo there at the end, mold. btw, doesn't mold grow very slowly?"
~~~
You American fiend!!! Just joking again, but I spell it the Canadian way. Though, as you can see, I use American spelling just because my word checker is American, so I will change it anyways. Also, were you joking about mold spreading slowly? Because it is a REAL saying. Besides, the saying, "Like a bull in a china shop" is fake—bull's actually don't make a mess, they are careful of their surroundings, saw it in a show—but people still use the saying anyway.

12-Jul-2009 03:10:12 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2009 03:55:17 by Dark Enmity

Anyways, I used almost everything on your list, except maybe excluding one or two things are modifying your version. Once again thanks. If you want to check my mistakes again feel free to, but you don't have to go through the trouble of explaining why I did something wrong if you want to save time. Most the mistakes are just errors from fast typing. Especially with those dreadful "Their's".
Also next time, I would love to hear about what you think about the story as a reader. The typos were great, now I want your opinions on the story, if you don't mind.

12-Jul-2009 04:06:50 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2009 05:04:01 by Dark Enmity

12-Jul-2009 05:17:22

Bad news, Die. I still haven't revealed that poorly constructed linguist thing you pointed out. But I promise, it is definately coming in chapter six. Gonna have to wait a little longer. That's the bad news.
The good news is, I know all about Ivan in my head, along with the ending. (I am a planner, so sue me.) I predict this story should double in length before it's finished. 250 posts. I think that is my goal.
And yes, I felt like I was cheating of Skirata's test paper for those correct grammar sentences. Ah well. I only skirata gave me them before your review!
P.S. I think I have changed or considered everything in your review, Die. So hopefully it did not go to waste. You will still find a few filler chapters, though! That's just my style, adds that little bit more. In fact, there are at least two filler chapters in Part 5. Take a wild guess which ones they are.

12-Jul-2009 05:39:49 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2009 05:43:51 by Dark Enmity

12-Jul-2009 06:12:49

I fixed all of your errors Die, but I am assuming that wasn't the point you were trying to make. Oh well.
Dashes, that makes more sense. The dashes are actually my favorite punctuation tool. I use them quite often in my shorts, but for some reason they are turning rare in this story. Anyways thanks for clearing that up.
By the way, ever since you told me about your phobia of clowns, I had wanted to use that to my advantage, just so I could scare you personally (I am so cruel, aren't I? ) How did you like the clown nightmare in chapter 5? Think of it as a present from me, that a little bit of your fear got to be in my story.

12-Jul-2009 06:24:21 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2009 06:26:31 by Dark Enmity

13-Jul-2009 05:18:25

13-Jul-2009 21:34:13