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~The Dwellers~

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Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Notes:

First Post –

“Ivan yelled back at the group. He drew out his navy blue water bottle and took a long relishing swig, returning it to its holder”

‘long relishing swig’ is improper grammar, as is the phrase ‘returning it to its holder’. Consider ‘took a long swig, relishing the liquid, and then returned it to its holder’.

“He was ruggedly built, with thick broad shoulder and rock hard pecks.”

Unless there’s a beak on his chest (ha, ha), there’s no ‘k’ in pectorals.

“The grade was steep, and coursing with stones.

‘to course’ is a action verb, meaning the stones are moving or cascading down the steep slope. I think you meant more along the lines of ‘covered’ or ‘strewn’.


Rest of Page 2 –

“They were passing around the food which had been peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

‘had been’, past tense, implies that the food is already eaten and gone. Needs revising.

“Right then a red LED light was flashing on top of the machine, and one the styli was zooming across the paper. Robert picked it up bemused.”

You’re missing an ‘of’, I think, and a comma before bemused.

“The centennial shower happens—as the name implies—once every one-hundred years.”

Tense issues. ‘happens’ should be ‘happened’.

“They were all were T-shirts and torn jeans and baseball caps turned backwards so they could look "cool".*

The second ‘were’ should be ‘wearing’.

“There deformed make-up looked applicable for a horror movie.”

There -> their.

Page 3 –

“Regrettably, things did not go good for Biggs one hour later.”

Well. Things did not go *well*.

“The well defined lines on his face showed he was much older, with lines etched onto his painted face.”

Redundant description. Consider revising.

“During the past five months they have been researching the rocks on the east side of the city. Aimeric has sufficient evidence that precious minerals are hidden behind the walls.”

Lapse into present tense.
Lorehound
through and through.

05-Aug-2009 21:01:49

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Aimeric may not have been in love at first sight, but he was in love.”

So he’s not in love, but no, he actually is…? Consider rephrasing. I get what you’re trying to say, but you’re not actually saying it.

Page 4 –

“She felt like Aimeric was her own personal bodyguard, an invisible shield to protect her from all the men.”

I did*’t know Aimeric was invisible.

Page 5 –

“They had started there own little duo team to banish the evil or whatever it was from Thea.”

There should be their. You use it wrongly almost every time the word comes up – I’m not going to point it out again, because it’s your responsibility to edit your own writing for minor errors like this.

“Their walk home from work was going relatively silent.”

Improper grammar.

“Their loud shrieks were piercing through the field, causing attention from Aimeric and the rest of the park guests.”

‘drawing’ would be a better word choice than ‘causing’ in this situation.

“The women were mostly pondering over the boy, giving them there jackets and hugging him to death.”

Should be ‘giving him their jackets’.

Page 7 –

“You have something to keep you going, something that really wants you to win my case.”

You’re missing a word in the second half of the sentence.

“The voice expanded herself in her.”

Consider rephrasing.

Page 8 –

“Oliver was sitting next time squirming around in his chair.”

‘time’ should be ‘to him’, I think?

“he asked himself but what he was really thinking about was how many people die in that room a die.”

Last ‘die’ should be ‘day’.

“The seeped through his skin and rolled down his face, pooling into his lap.”

Missing a noun here

“The boy to.”

Should be ‘too’.
Lorehound
through and through.

05-Aug-2009 21:02:07

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Page 9 –

“Aimeric would give his life just to make Thea lived.”

Missing a word, I believe.

“Ned, it would be vigilant to keep out your past offenses on Oliver.”

‘vigilant’ isn’t a good word to use there. ‘wise’, maybe?

“Up ahead was the well. But Aimeric was more hypnotized by the hole, and what was coming up at it.”

‘up at it’ should be ‘down from it’, I think?

Page 10 –

“But they soon realized that unlike smoke they continued capture it in a jar.”

‘continued’ should be ‘could not*.

*The operation to replace the shattered skull with some kind of super strong material was successful.”

Bionic woman much? If this becomes important to the plot, I may just throw myself over the nearest bridge.

“It was the kind of promise that God loved to see mankind break.”

‘loved’ should ‘loves’ – the promise hasn’t been broken yet.

“The nightlight never flickered, but Lester’s fear had reawakened.”

I think you’re missing the word ‘again’.

“I can see you perfectly fine right here Roland and you look like you’re sweating pigs.”

The expression is ‘sweating like a pig’ – a simile, not a metaphor.

Page 11 –

“Thea and Aimeric were standing on Twilight Bridge, spanning six-hundred meters across between Knight’s Island and Mona Peninsula.”

Redundancy of ‘spanning’ and ‘across’ – I suggest removing ‘across’.

“I was no trouble,” Aimeric said impatiently. “Has been going well?”

A missing ‘t’ and a missing ‘it’.

Page 12 –

“It just said that he was legally aloud to investigate any suspects in the case.”

‘aloud’ should be ‘allowed’.

“He felt a tinge of guild but kept reading.”

‘guild’ should be ‘guilt’.

Page 13 –

“He did not bother to ask Lester’s question.”

‘ask’ should be ‘answer’.

“Jerrid to go notice, he pulled up the man’s head by his hair and looked into his eyes.”

I don’t know what you tried to say here, but this doesn’t make much sense.
Lorehound
through and through.

05-Aug-2009 21:02:19

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, that's it. I've noticed in my two reviews since my return to the forums that I'm *much* harsher than before. Your 82% now would probably have been an 87% a few months ago, if it makes you feel any better.

Again, I apologize for my perhaps unfair criticisms, but I really enjoyed the story. Despite all the errors, and the few inconsistencies, and the lack of description, I really enjoyed it. That tells me that, if all those things weren't there, this could have been a truly incredible story.

And there are few things that bother me more than unrealized potential. Keep at it, kyle - you've got some serious talent.

~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

05-Aug-2009 21:08:27 - Last edited on 05-Aug-2009 21:13:03 by Orbestro

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
>Plot – 36/40
Pace: 18/20
- The first page was painful, the rest was riveting. Everything leading up to the earthquake is far, far too drawn out. We don’t need a backstory for every minor character, it just bogs the story down with irrelevant info. All that first section *needs* is the introduction of the alien hunters, Ivan’s backstory and how he met his friends, then the earthquake. Everything else, I would prune.

Content: 17/20
- You rely too much on coincidental oversights for my tastes, and there is lacking of depth in some places, which detracts from the otherwise remarkably fleshed out world of the Dwellers. For example – what exactly does Aimeric do? What is his mining operation looking for? And how does EVERYONE completely miss the fact that Celeste is infuriated? And, why the hell are Aimeric and Celeste sleeping together if they are trying to ‘wait till they’re married’. It’s like trying to go sober while hanging out at a bar – it’s absurd!

-----------------------------------

Sorry, math errors bug me; you might check your addition and subtraction here.

06-Aug-2009 23:32:54

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Seriously, you could be my mother. I just have so much on my plate. And to the added bonus that I haven't posted a new chapter in weeks...ugh. Proofreading is just awful. That's all I can say. I hate it. I really wish someone could edit my posts for me and be my own personal editer.

09-Aug-2009 07:07:08

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