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~The Dwellers~
Quick find code: 49-50-622-59046060
“Okay guys, go in slowly. This guy looks like nothing more than a few tools short in the shed, but be prepared.” Biggs forwarded the strike.
--First of all I'd recommend a synonym for 'guy' in the second sentence. It sounds repetitive this way. Second, the long wordy description for crazy is not really a noun or an adjective. Adding a pronoun would really help, like this: "This fellow looks like nothing more than somebody a few tools short in the shed, but be prepared." The way you typed it, the reader might conclude that Zheng was just an incomplete collection of power tools, or draw a blank entirely. One more thing, the last sentence sounds a bit odd. It's only 3 guys going in, not like SWAT or anything in a warzone. Using the word 'strike' sounds out of place and messes up the reader's idea of the situation. There is no prelude to this sentence, and it comes off a bit stumped. I'd advise something like: "Biggs took the lead/point."
Someone had jerked his arms behind his back and he could here them crack. --Hear my dear friend, hear. I think you have severe trouble with homophones. Hopefully this fades away futher into the story.
They spun him around and he looked into Biggs cold hard eyes. --Small typo, should be Biggs' , since it's possesive. Apostraphe can't go in the middle because [Biggs] is his name.
“You are around arrest for the disturbance of the peace.
-- I think you meant 'are under' arrest, lol
Robert nodded squeamishly turning pale. --This sentence needs a comma, desperately. You can't run a sentence with verb adverb verb. It is very confusing and needs clarification. Either he nods squeamishly, or he squeamishly turns pale. To ensure it's fixed properly: "Robert nodded squeamishly, turning pale."
continued next post...
--First of all I'd recommend a synonym for 'guy' in the second sentence. It sounds repetitive this way. Second, the long wordy description for crazy is not really a noun or an adjective. Adding a pronoun would really help, like this: "This fellow looks like nothing more than somebody a few tools short in the shed, but be prepared." The way you typed it, the reader might conclude that Zheng was just an incomplete collection of power tools, or draw a blank entirely. One more thing, the last sentence sounds a bit odd. It's only 3 guys going in, not like SWAT or anything in a warzone. Using the word 'strike' sounds out of place and messes up the reader's idea of the situation. There is no prelude to this sentence, and it comes off a bit stumped. I'd advise something like: "Biggs took the lead/point."
Someone had jerked his arms behind his back and he could here them crack. --Hear my dear friend, hear. I think you have severe trouble with homophones. Hopefully this fades away futher into the story.
They spun him around and he looked into Biggs cold hard eyes. --Small typo, should be Biggs' , since it's possesive. Apostraphe can't go in the middle because [Biggs] is his name.
“You are around arrest for the disturbance of the peace.
-- I think you meant 'are under' arrest, lol
Robert nodded squeamishly turning pale. --This sentence needs a comma, desperately. You can't run a sentence with verb adverb verb. It is very confusing and needs clarification. Either he nods squeamishly, or he squeamishly turns pale. To ensure it's fixed properly: "Robert nodded squeamishly, turning pale."
continued next post...
04-Aug-2009 18:01:53
Biggs handed him over to the trainee’s and headed back to headquarters. --In this case you are actually using a possessive where there is none. There are two trainees, and Zheng is being handed over to THEM, plural, so no need for the apostraphe. <<- Am I spelling that right? Can't tell, lol.
“Nicely handled, Biggs. I heard you scared the pants of that kid,” Robin said. --"..the pants off that kid,...
I doubt that kid will be making any more catastrophe prophesies.” Biggs gave Robin a farewell salute and left for home satisfied.
--I can't cite any specific rules here, but using 'catastrophe' how you did sounded awkward. Either capitalize both words and make 'em proper nouns or change it to 'catastrophic.' Catastrophe by itself isn't an adjective. And the last sentence sounds like a word is missing, perhaps: "...and left for home feeling satisfied."
Regrettably, things did not go good for Biggs one hour later. --"things did not go WELL for Biggs" I'd also recommend changing 'one hour later' to 'that evening.'
You see, there is no explanation or continuation of the time, or even it's relation to Biggs. The story shifts to White Wolf Mountain, so focusing like that on Biggs' personal life like that leaves the trail of thought hanging nowhere. The reader might expect to find out what Biggs did one hour later, but get sadly dissappointed this way. I highly advise putting the time phrase in the next sentence, like: "One hour later he found out that Robert Zheng had been right about the earthquake after all, as well as it's intensity."
What he was wrong was the fact that it would not even affect the city, or the neighboring farmland. --Sounds like a missing word, or even a double negative here. Perhaps an 'about' after wrong? Oh yes, and take out the 'not', it does create a double negative. >-< Switch the 'even' to after 'or' as well, improves flow greatly.
continued next post...
“Nicely handled, Biggs. I heard you scared the pants of that kid,” Robin said. --"..the pants off that kid,...
I doubt that kid will be making any more catastrophe prophesies.” Biggs gave Robin a farewell salute and left for home satisfied.
--I can't cite any specific rules here, but using 'catastrophe' how you did sounded awkward. Either capitalize both words and make 'em proper nouns or change it to 'catastrophic.' Catastrophe by itself isn't an adjective. And the last sentence sounds like a word is missing, perhaps: "...and left for home feeling satisfied."
Regrettably, things did not go good for Biggs one hour later. --"things did not go WELL for Biggs" I'd also recommend changing 'one hour later' to 'that evening.'
You see, there is no explanation or continuation of the time, or even it's relation to Biggs. The story shifts to White Wolf Mountain, so focusing like that on Biggs' personal life like that leaves the trail of thought hanging nowhere. The reader might expect to find out what Biggs did one hour later, but get sadly dissappointed this way. I highly advise putting the time phrase in the next sentence, like: "One hour later he found out that Robert Zheng had been right about the earthquake after all, as well as it's intensity."
What he was wrong was the fact that it would not even affect the city, or the neighboring farmland. --Sounds like a missing word, or even a double negative here. Perhaps an 'about' after wrong? Oh yes, and take out the 'not', it does create a double negative. >-< Switch the 'even' to after 'or' as well, improves flow greatly.
continued next post...
04-Aug-2009 18:02:34
The rocks collapsed sending them all down into the darkness, into the real darkness. --Comma after 'collapsed,' and maybe changing to: "...all down into the real darkness." Saying 'darkness' twice seems like a waste, since you have already mentioned they were in darkness at the camp. The idea doesn't have to be repeated.
When the dust settled there was nothing but rocks wedged together, masking the giant hole. Reporters and policeman were scaling the mountain in search of bodies, --You really need a transition here Kyle, otherwise the reader hits a huge time-gap. Also seems impossible how it's written here, I mean the quake just happened and there is no way all those reporters are superman. ^.^
This is the end of my grammatical analysis. Unless you start paying me, I shall now continue reading for pleasure only. It became too taxing, but I hope what lies compiled can help you in some way or form.
|+| Skirata605
When the dust settled there was nothing but rocks wedged together, masking the giant hole. Reporters and policeman were scaling the mountain in search of bodies, --You really need a transition here Kyle, otherwise the reader hits a huge time-gap. Also seems impossible how it's written here, I mean the quake just happened and there is no way all those reporters are superman. ^.^
This is the end of my grammatical analysis. Unless you start paying me, I shall now continue reading for pleasure only. It became too taxing, but I hope what lies compiled can help you in some way or form.
|+| Skirata605
04-Aug-2009 18:04:35
Hey kyle, this is a bookmark so I can find ya easy tomorrow. I've gotten to the beginning of page 10. Should post your review in the morning
~
rbie
~
rbie
Lorehound
through and through.
05-Aug-2009 05:57:28
That's great, but didn't you already bookmark on the previous page? Doesn't matter to me, I desperately need the bumps.
05-Aug-2009 06:26:21
Well, that's embarrassing
. Anyway, here's your review from Full Circle Reviews!
>Plot – 36/40
Pace: 18/20
- The first page was painful, the rest was riveting. Everything leading up to the earthquake is far, far too drawn out. We don’t need a backstory for every minor character, it just bogs the story down with irrelevant info. All that first section *needs* is the introduction of the alien hunters, Ivan’s backstory and how he met his friends, then the earthquake. Everything else, I would prune.
Content: 17/20
- You rely too much on coincidental oversights for my tastes, and there is lacking of depth in some places, which detracts from the otherwise remarkably fleshed out world of the Dwellers. For example – what exactly does Aimeric do? What is his mining operation looking for? And how does EVERYONE completely miss the fact that Celeste is infuriated? And, why the hell are Aimeric and Celeste sleeping together if they are trying to ‘wait till they’re married’. It’s like trying to go sober while hanging out at a bar – it’s absurd!
>Characters - 31/35
Interaction: 18/20
- You’re going to hear this from me a lot: besides the first page, character interaction was fantastic. Believable dialogue is hard to come by, but man, you’ve got it. I would’ve given you a 19, but again, it’s utterly outrageous the way Celeste is ignored.
Development: 13/15
- Aimeric and Thea’s relationship develops too quickly (and with too much foreshadowing and melodrama *glances meaningfully at narrator*) to have the effect it should. It would have been better to have drawn that out more – let them puzzle out their feelings before deciding they’re in love after a day (which is basically what happens).
. Anyway, here's your review from Full Circle Reviews!
>Plot – 36/40
Pace: 18/20
- The first page was painful, the rest was riveting. Everything leading up to the earthquake is far, far too drawn out. We don’t need a backstory for every minor character, it just bogs the story down with irrelevant info. All that first section *needs* is the introduction of the alien hunters, Ivan’s backstory and how he met his friends, then the earthquake. Everything else, I would prune.
Content: 17/20
- You rely too much on coincidental oversights for my tastes, and there is lacking of depth in some places, which detracts from the otherwise remarkably fleshed out world of the Dwellers. For example – what exactly does Aimeric do? What is his mining operation looking for? And how does EVERYONE completely miss the fact that Celeste is infuriated? And, why the hell are Aimeric and Celeste sleeping together if they are trying to ‘wait till they’re married’. It’s like trying to go sober while hanging out at a bar – it’s absurd!
>Characters - 31/35
Interaction: 18/20
- You’re going to hear this from me a lot: besides the first page, character interaction was fantastic. Believable dialogue is hard to come by, but man, you’ve got it. I would’ve given you a 19, but again, it’s utterly outrageous the way Celeste is ignored.
Development: 13/15
- Aimeric and Thea’s relationship develops too quickly (and with too much foreshadowing and melodrama *glances meaningfully at narrator*) to have the effect it should. It would have been better to have drawn that out more – let them puzzle out their feelings before deciding they’re in love after a day (which is basically what happens).
Lorehound
through and through.
05-Aug-2009 20:58:43 - Last edited on 05-Aug-2009 21:05:00 by Orbestro
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