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~The Dwellers~
Quick find code: 49-50-622-59046060
Die, you are like a monkey on my back. What do you want me to do, write more of this interesting story, or proof read? (Something tells me you're going to say proof-read)
I will start proof reading tomorrow, but that means it will take longer to find out Ivan's history. Now everyone can blame you Die for holding up the story.
I will start proof reading tomorrow, but that means it will take longer to find out Ivan's history. Now everyone can blame you Die for holding up the story.
15-Jul-2009 01:38:51 - Last edited on 15-Jul-2009 01:45:06 by Dark Enmity
Just five more posts in the first chapter to read. I'll comment on it then. Right now I have to go to work; I work four hours a week at my dad's business. At least I get five bucks an hour
15-Jul-2009 13:26:22
OH! MY! GOD!
That was the best chapter ever!
Alright, now to review by just simply commenting on certain parts of the story:
The Bad:
Okay, here were the things that I though needed improvement.
First of all, you really do need to proof read. I understand you can't do it while your writing the story as it will slow you down on updating it, but maybe when you complete this story you can go back and edit. Really, some of these mistakes are worse than mine and that means they're super super super super super super (two minutes later) super super bad!
Another thing, Biggs arresting that guy Zheng: How he arrested him and scared him I think was great, but when he gets back to head quarters it gets a little weird. It says "Biggs went back to head quarters and Robin gave him a clap on the back and said 'I heard you scared the crap out of that guy.'" or something of the sort.
First problem: Biggs seems to get there in two seconds. Maybe you should write a paragraph about how he got there. Maybe something like...
"Biggs got into his jet black car and drove off in the moonlight. He looked behind him to see the new recruits shoving Zheng into the van that would escort him to the police station. He focused his eyes back on the road and could see the head quarters in the distance." - This tells the readers that the head quarters is not too far away, and he got there in a car.
Second Problem: Robin seems to know that he scared the Zheng kid immediately and wasn't even told so. You could say something quick like...
"I just got off the phone with Mark (one of the recruits). He said that you really scared the kid." A quick line or two like that will solve the mystery!
Overall, not anything Major (except for the grammatical errors. Yikes!
). It seems like a very good story.
(See next post for The Good)
That was the best chapter ever!
Alright, now to review by just simply commenting on certain parts of the story:
The Bad:
Okay, here were the things that I though needed improvement.
First of all, you really do need to proof read. I understand you can't do it while your writing the story as it will slow you down on updating it, but maybe when you complete this story you can go back and edit. Really, some of these mistakes are worse than mine and that means they're super super super super super super (two minutes later) super super bad!
Another thing, Biggs arresting that guy Zheng: How he arrested him and scared him I think was great, but when he gets back to head quarters it gets a little weird. It says "Biggs went back to head quarters and Robin gave him a clap on the back and said 'I heard you scared the crap out of that guy.'" or something of the sort.
First problem: Biggs seems to get there in two seconds. Maybe you should write a paragraph about how he got there. Maybe something like...
"Biggs got into his jet black car and drove off in the moonlight. He looked behind him to see the new recruits shoving Zheng into the van that would escort him to the police station. He focused his eyes back on the road and could see the head quarters in the distance." - This tells the readers that the head quarters is not too far away, and he got there in a car.
Second Problem: Robin seems to know that he scared the Zheng kid immediately and wasn't even told so. You could say something quick like...
"I just got off the phone with Mark (one of the recruits). He said that you really scared the kid." A quick line or two like that will solve the mystery!
Overall, not anything Major (except for the grammatical errors. Yikes!
). It seems like a very good story.
(See next post for The Good)
15-Jul-2009 20:54:08
400th
15-Jul-2009 21:03:36
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