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97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Others don’t enjoy that. So, this bit isn’t really a review, more just a comment. Anyways, let’s continue.

DON’T TRUST THEA, AIMERIC! You just can’t trust a woman that holds a knife the first time you meet them. It only means she’s going to stab you. But dawww… relationship dawning. I feel a tale of woe and misfortune, for some reason. Good work with that ending paragraph, Kyle. I actually think that is the best aspect of your writing. When finishing off a chapter or a setting, you leave us with a very enticing paragraph that makes us want to know more. This is a highly valuable skill and I commend you on developing it!

“idea of a hot nineteen-year-old girl living with them”… I did not just see what I think I did, did I? You described a girl as hot? Please, that needs a serious re-write. Hot is just too… informal and not really appropriate for your story. It looks terribly out of place. And Celeste… just woah. She scared the living hell out of me. Note for this part of chapter two. Some of the sentences really need a rewrite. Missing words and everything. Proof read, Kyle! Proof Read!

So, I feel like I should support Celeste because she was there first… but seriously, I’m finding it really hard to do so. For that, I commend you. Brilliant character development! We need more of this around your story. Not enough of it in my eyes ^-^ But seriously. Thea, you’re an idiot. And so are you, Aimeric. Even I can read women better than you can. <--- Seriously, that’s good character development. I’m talking to them, for Pete’s sake. Again, more work needs to be done on your sentences. Way too many of them have silly little errors. Proof read! Nice description of the rock, though. Shameless flirting by Aimeric. And that god damn sentence that makes me want to keep reading.

Awesome.

Heh. A drill called Bessie. Me likes. But again “you were hot”! Bleh with that word! Burn it! Burn it now!

09-Jul-2009 04:29:57 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2009 04:50:36 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
And a very, very good relationship has occurred. I must say, you’re doing this masterfully, Kyle. Keep it up! And seriously. Celeste scares the hell out of me. There’s the horror of this story, I think!

Seriously, as this story goes on you get better and better. The split personalities in Thea’s mind was exactly what was needed at that time. Brilliant work, Kyle. Especially the ending of “He’s married. He’s engaged”. That sums it up perfectly. And seriously, that last sentence gets me every single time.

“Besides, we new it” I think I’ll take back everything I just said and have you shot. Proof reading, please! And now we hit the mind games. Oh dear lord I have a feeling I’m going to enjoy this. Yeah, there’s something wicked happening here and I wanna know what. Well done. We hit chapter three and I’m finally engrossed in the story. Only thing I’ll say is this: this needs to happen earlier!

Chapter three is showing me a new style of yours. In my opinion it’s a lot better and I’m really enjoying it. I have to admit that I did*’t like the saving of Oliver. Sure, he got over his fear which may help Thea, but it seems to go on and on and on and on. And on. But crap… Oliver scares the hell out of me.

Part six has you falling back into your boring kind of writing. It’s no where near as interesting as it was before and I’m really disappointed. Everything you’re writing at the moment feel like a filler, that it's just there to be there. Also, there are still issues with misspelt. “‘This kid has more mood swings than a woman seven months pregnant.’” Nice line, though.

But seriously. Things just got better again. Chapter 3 part 13 and the oomph is back! You do action incredibly well. More on this will come in my conclusion, I expect. Nice way for death to come rolling round, by the way. I’m sad to see their relationship end, but that was rather satisfying. You just had a feeling that something along these lines would happen. It was awesome.

09-Jul-2009 04:29:59 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2009 04:56:03 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
And man, am I blood thirsty or what?

“You need to do a real man’s job,” Sorry, but all I read there was cliché. I’m letting you get away with it, as not everything you’ve written has been cliché. But, I warn you. Don’t make a habit of it. Clichés kill a story quicker than anything else does in this world.

“Thea I say the fall.” Seriously, this is what is killing your story for me. All these little errors make me stumble when reading. I have to go back, <C> re-read the sentence again and again until I realise you made a mistake. It grabs the flow of the story around the neck, stabs it a couple of times and then, for good measure, cuts its head off. I really hate that, because your story could be so much better just by re-reading!

Head… is… starting… to… hurt! You’re leaving a lot of thinking up to the reader, which is great. We don’t get enough of that in stories nowadays. We readers need a work out, people! Keep doing this, please.

The bit between Ned and Aimeric seemed really forced. Which is not good. By being forced there’s no flow and without that flow, you have no glow. I’m going to leave that up to just being a bad writing day, or a day getting over writer’s block. Because it wasn’t a filler post. This actually seemed like it was a vital part of the story, without action. Well done! The language barrier was really poorly done, however. 72 hours isn’t long enough for someone to learn an entire language and speak it flawlessly. If you were doing something like that, you’d find that a person would stutter and not know every word. Most sentences would be simple as well. You’ve got compound-complex sentences. That’s just crazy linguistic skills.

Finally, something I really can congratulate you on. The way you captured sunlight was absolutely perfect. I was confused at first, like the characters and it wasn’t until he said anti-darkness that I understood. This was absolutely the best writing you have done in this story without a doubt.

09-Jul-2009 04:30:28 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2009 04:57:01 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
God, that just made reading everything worthwhile.

Chapter four part 9. Seriously. MORE SENTENCE MISTAKES. This is just getting me down now. Also more commas missing, which haven’t been around for a while. And that little kid is the one that scares me the most. More than anybody. More then clowns!

Well, the ending is bloody brilliant. You’re going to have to continue that trend, eh?

CONCLUSION

Well, well, well. Where to begin? Well, I suppose whether or not I enjoyed it is a good a place as any.

Overall, I have mixed feelings about your story. On the one hand the plot is overall original, with only a slight pattering of clichés. This is an awesome thing to have, as originality is so hard to come by nowadays. Also, you characterisation is top notch - really spectacular. Your main characters (Aimeric, Oliver and Thea) as well described and have their own personalities. So, character development is no problem for you. Description is good, overall. Some beautiful pieces of description can be found, but there are also some that just make you groan. But still I’ll let that slide.

I think where this story is really let down is with your miswrites in your sentences. There are just so many that could be pulled up so quickly with just a short re-read. And I think this is what lets you down so much. You’re a good writer with quite a few talents, but you let yourself down! Don’t do that, because you are better than that.

Some smaller issues are your ‘filler’ posts. They really don’t reflect your skill at writing… well, for me anyway. Again, this could be all part of your style, so don’t feel like you need to change anything in this aspect. It's just that for me, it doesn’t work.

Small issues aside, you have a decent grasp of grammar and all things considered (writing the wrong words) your spelling is up to scratch. Though not entirely important, I enjoy a story with good spelling and grammar.

09-Jul-2009 04:30:29 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2009 04:57:20 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
One thing, just quickly. I'm slightly disappointed that we were with Ivan and his band for such a short time before we went on a wild ride with Thea, Oliver and Aimeric. I hope I see more of them and that you don't completely forget about them!

Overall, I enjoyed your story. It’s not one of my favourites on the forums but it does have some very good parts. Overall your story is gripping and fun to read, especially when you get into a horror scene. Keep it up, eh?

I shall continue to read this and I'm pleased to inform you that it is now ending up on my recommended reading list. If you could kindly drop by and leave a 150 character blurb about the story and the QFC, I'll drop it into the list!

Thanks for letting me review this, Kyle!

09-Jul-2009 04:53:42 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2009 04:58:57 by 97swiftarm

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks so much for the review. I responded in detail about it and come to think of it, there wasn't really anything that I disagreed with, with your review. Mostly it was just personal, and you gave awesome points as well.

Truly thanks, and I hope that you will check back on Aimeric's tale whenever you can, as I can promise the horror and intensity will only increase. Have a good day, Die.



To the readers: Are you out there? Please, my thread feels like a barren desert. Please just post a bump or whether you like it or not! I will take anything! O_o

10-Jul-2009 02:41:02

Skirata605

Skirata605

Posts: 390 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Dear Kylebooker1,

I have begun to read your story and must agree with Die that it had me very well hooked after only the first post. There is still much for me to finish reading, but that shall have to wait for tomorrow. For now I would like to give you a list of all the grammar/sentence errors I found in the first page of your story. My editing notes will be denoted by a - or --. Please use this to your advantage, and feel free to disregard it entirely.

Everyone else had sweat rolling down there back. -their back

You’re going to choke on it one day,” Charlie smiled a full grin.-one day." Charlie smiled (period)

You never saw Charlie without two things. One was a toothpick. The second was a woman.
-two things: one...toothpick, the second... (colon for a series, helps flow) -I'd also replace the second Charlie with a him, seems a bit reppetitive otherwise

Raymond asked in child’s voice and everyone groaned and he laughed. “Ah, you can all go to hell.”
--in a child's voice. Everyone... laughed, "Ah, you can all go to hell." No offense to your style but this seems to fit together better.

White Wolf, Mountain Robert Zheng-White Wolf Mountain, Robert Zheng

putting on his white lab trench coat.-a "white lab trench coat" sounds like an extra word, taking out 'lab' or 'trench' would make it sound better methinks.

He called them future inventions that would change the world as we know it.
-them, 'future inventions...know it.' Helps to distinguish exactly what he called them.

Scientific discoveries could wait, especially when mashed potatoes were on the line. Fantastic line man, great humor. :D

He liked to call there group “The Odd Squad”. -He liked to call their group...

While others had been playing on their skateboards or going to water parks Ivan had been playing with toy aliens. The way the looked, how cute their black eyes were. -water parks, Ivan...way they looked...

continued next post

12-Jul-2009 02:46:05 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2009 02:56:22 by Skirata605

Skirata605

Skirata605

Posts: 390 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“I will, Auntie. I will find aliens and show all the non-believers.” -Non-believers? he's only in 8th grade, feels rather too advanced

It was impossible for an alien to look green and squishy with no bones and flies in a massive hover-craft with a tractor beam. Ivan learned that. He was hoping

that he would find one fossilized in a meteor today. -no bones and fly in a massive....Ivan had learned that. The tense sounded a bit wrong.

taking pictures with there phones.-their phones

There sand castles looked like a battle zone that had just been struck by a bomb. Where the perfectly accurate turrets were was just piles of sand.
-Our sand castles...accurate turrets had stood, now there were just piles of sand.

Alien hunters worked on extremely low salaries and Raymond was looking for bigger and better things (even when he was eight he always wanted the best,

God bless him) and the centennial shower might be his last extraterrestrial search before he hung up his ectoplasm gun and ghost ray detector.
-I'd recommend making this two sentences after the parenthases, just take out the 'and.'

In the west was the sun setting low in the sky reflecting lights of orange and pink. Ivan had to use a moment to take it all in.
-These two sentences sound very odd. Perhaps you could reword them somewhere along the lines of: In the west the sun was setting low in the sky, reflecting

lights of orange and pink as it descended [lower towards the horizon]. [It was so breathtaking that] Ivan had to pause for a moment and take it all in.

“Time to set up.” Ivan said with authority. Like clock-work, everyone started setting up the cameras, the meteor detectors, the rock analyzers and the blue puffy sleeping bags. Lester was just cooking up a pot of hot chocolate when all the guys were staring at him with bewilderment.
--set up,' Ivan said...cameras, meteor detectors, rock analyzers, and puffy blue sleeping bags. ...all the guys began staring at him...

continued next post

12-Jul-2009 02:48:44

Skirata605

Skirata605

Posts: 390 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This just seems to flow better.

They were scattered across randomly but they connected together in unison in a strange way. --Again my personal opinion, but this sounds awkward. They were scattered randomly across the sky, but connected together in a strange way. This eliminates a double 'in,' as well as the additional repetition of together and unison being next to each other.

The guys were all in snuggled in their sleeping bags, sitting around a blistering fire. Each had a long stuck that still had marshmallow gunk on the ends. Lester was fumbling with his necklace uncomfortably. --I hate to critique every paragraph, but you have several typos here. The guys were all snuggled in their sleeping bags, sitting comfortably around a fire. Each had a long stick that still had marshmellow gunk on the ends. Lester was fumbling with his necklace. --First off an extra in, then a bit of a paradox. If they are in sleeping bags, why a 'blistering' fire? Some more typos, and again some repetition. 'Fumbling' by itself appears to do the job well enough in my opinion.

“I don’t like it,” He said to break the silence. Lester’s eyes were itchy and red like something had caught in his eye.--Uncapitalize He to start, then put a comma after red, and to finish replace 'his eye' with 'them.' Putting a break there will build up the mood of finding out what is wrong with Lester, and 'his eye' is more repetition as well as being singular.

There wasn’t anything that he wouldn’t do.--Double negative >.< This sentence also seems out of context, either put it at the end of the paragraph or take it out entirely.

“Lester come on, we’re so close,” Ivan said in a comforting but frustrated manner. --I have to disagree on using frustrated in this sentence. It's telling us too much information [that the reader already knows]. After finishing the post, I have to conclude that it would be best if you *showed* us [the readers] how Ivan was getting a little frustrated.

12-Jul-2009 02:50:56

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