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Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Though I've been wondering, why are there jets and modern day Earth stuff in Runescape?"

Well I chose to make modern-day things only because it is so much easier to write about something in your own time. Plus readers can relate to it easier. It's still the same runescape was know and love only modernized. ;) I took some writer's liberties. :P

28-Jun-2009 02:36:06

Tava60

Tava60

Posts: 1,017 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
And I'm back out of popular appeal, your favorite forumer. Tava60! *crowd goes wild* Ok settle down, well Kyle I've taken it upon myself to point you out on something. Ok bottom of the first post on page four read that sentence then read the top of post two.

8th post of same page I noticed another error might want to check it out

Also I found another error but I lost it. Well I'll read some more later as i'm trying to cut down my time on the computor.

Ok error fourth post from bottom page 8, well maybe not an error but reading it, it sounds grammaretically incorrect.

Not to bad on errors Kyle just the odd one. Of course I'm not to good at it. And also got me hooked I can't wait for the next chapter :D

08-Jul-2009 19:34:52 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2009 04:47:20 by Tava60

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Here's my first official review, Kyle.

~~~~~~~~~~

First thing I noticed when I got to page two was a missing comma. I know that sounds pathetic in the way that I completely ignored your part one title, which was brilliant by the way, but punctuation is rather vital. Or at least it is in my eyes. “Hurry up you pansies” needs a comma in it because you, as a person, would normally take a breath before you said ‘you pansies’. Rather pedantic, but it looks a lot better and is technically sound. Anyway, we plod onwards. Your description of Thomas is well done, but I believe the reference to Harry Potter kind of seems out of place. By referring to Harry Potter, you shatter the belief that you’re in another world for the reader, which is the same thing as referring to a bullet. It brings the reader out of their imaginary world that you’re trying to spin. Try and put a medieval spin on these items.

The final sentence of the first post has me confused. Why would they be hoping that there was no way down? I think you’re trying to say they don't want to fall, but honestly? I have no idea. Clarification please!

Again, I think some punctuation could be used in “Guys want a break?” or just a change in the wording. A dash would separate Guys from the rest of the sentence, giving it a much better look. Even adding you at the beginning would work. I think you’re trying to create an accent of sorts, but the accent falls away as just some mistakes when Ivan swaps to near perfect English. Either accent the whole time or proper English. Swapping between the two gives the reader a feeling that something is wrong with your writing. Which isn’t the case, is it?

"Charlie was Albino and if he looked any whiter, you would be able to see through him.” I don’t know what it is, but something is wrong with this sentence. The flow of it just doesn’t work. And I’m a big fan of flow in stories. “If it doesn’t flow, it won’t glow”. If you can figure out what went wrong, please, enlighten me.

09-Jul-2009 04:29:39 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2009 04:54:29 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Overall, I feel like part one is a bit of a ‘nothing’part. It hasn’t really got me hooked, which is a small problem. Luckily you have the whole front page to get me hooked. From a writer’s perspective, the opening part is more often than not the most important. If you can’t capture the reader’s attention, there’s no way they’re going to keep reading. I have the same problem with most of my stories. Hence why I prefer shorts ^-^ What your first part does do is give us a look at your characters, which so far look like they’re going to be a good bunch. I have a basic picture in my mind and I have some pieces of their personality sorted. Ivan and Thomas seem to be the most developed, but Lester is a little unknown. He’s got photography equipment and is terrified of Thomas… enough for the moment, I suppose.

Start of part two and I have the same problem as part one. I’ve ignored your part two title (it looks very nice again) to go look at a punctuation error. Commas are needed in your first sentence. You could probably get away with one, but two works better, I think. That’s three times with the commas. No more specific mentions of what sentences have the problem. You’ll just the get the overview of where they are. Onwards now! Remember that hyphening (-) is a great tool for authors.

Great sentences describing Robert’s devices for the future. Short and sweet* it was nice. But again, reference to Einstein jolts me out of that fantasy world. But again, the part ends nicely with a relation-building bit between Robert and his mother. We can relate to that (Not being 30 years old or whatever and still living with his mother) and therefore your character becomes more real. Awesomeness. This part is a lot better as it builds a bit of suspense. We can tell that the earthquake detection is pretty vital and might strike the boys. Well, maybe not. This is all just me thinking here XD

Part three and I finally get to take in the title! Yay! Oh… it’s just got a “3” in it.

09-Jul-2009 04:29:40 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2009 04:46:38 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Rather anti-climatic, don’t you think? What did get me though was how Ivan called his aunt “Daddy” in the flashback. Please tell me they’re different people. And poor Ivan… only loves Aliens? Poor family, really.

Part for is a lot better, in a multitude of ways. A little bit of comedy comes into it, when describing how Raymond always wanted the best, but we also get an age for our characters. The way you do that is very nicely done, as you don’t state it directly. Kudos to you. We also get an idea for what everyone is in that group. One thing I don’t like is the word “authoritatively”, though. Personally, I’d just use “with authority”. Must easier to slide off the tongue. Wait, there’s two things I don’t like about this part. More references to the real world! You’ve deliberately combined both Runescape and the real world. I don’t know where I want to be right now! Where do I want to be?!?! Runescape or the real world? Please tell me.

Nice humour, though.

Brilliant description in the opening to part four! Absolutely brilliant! Mind you, I’m a sucker for astronomy, so you tickled my fancies. Yeah, I’ll try to never say that again. In other news, it feels like a Brokeback Mountain scene. Disturbing XD

Lucky Lester! I’ve been searching for a four-leaf clover for years! I love the characterisation of him, though. Every group needs at least one superstitious person. But some of the sentences are constructed badly here. “Jokes are just a way of a person have there last laugh before they die.” Que? Nice wisdom by Raymond there.

Ahhhh!!!! Ultimate sin has been found! “There deformed make-up” <--- EXPLAIN *Waits, fuming*

"Especially the eyes. They were just black holes.” This made me laugh. I have a fear of clowns of well, and that's exactly what they look like for me. Anyway, enough commenting. Onwards, ever onwards!

Part six is a very, very nice edition. Short but with a very firm purpose. We’re discovering more of the relationship between Ivan and Raymond.

09-Jul-2009 04:29:42 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2009 04:55:10 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
A deep bond there… I hope everything goes nicely. Not really a lot more to go over here… pity, really. I liked this part the most out of all those so far.

Okay, I give up. You can have your mixing of worlds. I still don’t know where I am, though. Overall, I’m not a fan of part seven. It’s an iffy one, almost like a filler. It’s soundly written but… meh, I dunno. Not my favourite.

Part eight of chapter one really needs to be read over. Some of the sentences are really, really poorly constructed. A re-read would pick all of these up, so I won’t go through them all. Off-topic for a bit, but proof reading is something way too many authors don’t do. 90% of errors are easily caught just by having a proof read. I myself am quite guilty, but I’m getting better. Start putting proof reading into your routine of writing a story and I guarantee your stories will get better. Back on topic, I love how you describe the meteor shower. I can picture it perfectly, which is just fantastic. Again, kudos to you.

So, onwards to chapter two! And this is what I say. Absolutely, top notch and positively brilliant ending to part one of chapter two! This is a real life reference that I like and which I think really adds to the story. This part really is the best showing of your writing so far. Excellent and well done! Now, the rest of the story is just like this, no?

Hehehe, Roland you old dog! New favourite character XD But yes, introduction to a new set of characters with a change in the environment. I’m quite interested to see where this ends up, as these new characters intrigue me. Good work on that aspect. But again, I feel like a lot of part two of chapter two is just filler… it’s weird, but it doesn’t strike me as important to the storyline. This is something that I can not help you with, unfortunately. It’s all part of your style and therefore doesn’t necessarily need to be changed. This is personal opinion and I like to be riveted to the spot by every word.

09-Jul-2009 04:29:56 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2009 04:49:19 by 97swiftarm

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