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A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"It stood, stranded, in an artificial world."
This is the first sentence that really jumped out at me. You've got some really heavy description going on, but I tend to over-describe as a habit, so I approve. Up to a certain extent, I think it really helps immersion.
This sentence though, I think, sets the scene. One never stops to contemplate the world from the view of a cow. Behind that fence, one would really feel stranded in a foreign, alien world.
"Its large, distant eyes focused in on a few blades of grass, growing out of its own manure. Large, rubbery lips clamped around their food and tugged it out of the ground."
This is possibly one of the best "Show, Don't Tell" instances of desperation and despair I've ever read.
The depths of disgust it conjured upon my reading was profound, followed by a wave of pity for the beast. The fact that any emotion was derived at all means you're doing it right.
"The animal protested, but was forced, by torment, to follow through the tarnished, aluminium gate."
I don't know if it's spelled differently in Britain, but in the US it's spelled "aluminum."
That aside, very powerful sentence, and really excellent comma usage. The appropriate and accurate spacing by punctuation is really setting the drama off.
"The cow looked for support, for understanding, from the man who had fed it and cleaned it. This man was its father, he had been there at its birth; he had always watched over him, from a distance."
This is unimaginably pathetic and pitiful. Really. I'm starting to hate you for making me care so much about a stupid cow.
"A nauseating crunch was heard, then a thud."
Perfect spacing for clarity and for impact. You seem to have almost studied my writing style, because you're doing everything I do.
The hallmark of a good author is one who can let the audience tell the story to themselves from merely describing stimuli, like noises, and you're doing that to a tee.

14-May-2010 19:15:03 - Last edited on 14-May-2010 19:36:00 by A White Wolf

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"The skin split behind the blade, spilling blood soaked intestine sideways across the floor; it ran like water."
You've got some conflicting sentence syntax here. Firstly, just from technical note, 'blood-soaked' needs a hyphen to show their relation. Next, the way you've structured this makes it sound as if the intestines are running like water, which is a bit of a silly description, since they would run out like organs, not like a liquid.
Unless the farmer is an alien and he liquified its insides.
"The cow's brown eyes were glazed, as simple and naive as in life."
This description makes utterly no sense, but I love it. Why would glazed eyes be naive? Why would glazed eyes be simple? Why would a dead cow be anything different from what it was in life?
Search me, but it's a markedly effective description.
"She brought the knife down with a thud, blood poured."
SHE!? Lol, you need a little more than one extra line of space to denote a complete subject/time shift. I had to do a double-take.
Also, the comma needs to be a semicolon because "blood poured" is an independent clause.
"Her steady, crimson-tainted, hands dug forcefully into the wedges of thickly-veined meat and lobbed them into a dark, alloy vessel, then smothered them with oil."
You don't need a comma after "crimson-tainted." Also I think it would improve the sentence flow to re-word it a bit to use present participle verb tense in the end. "[...]and lobbed them into a dark, alloy vessel, smothering them with oil."
"Dry wood lay in a pile, a spark ignited, and it combusted with oxygen."
Comma after 'pile' needs to be a semicolon. It's separating two non-conjoined independent clauses.
"The oil simmered as the range was lit below it, the pale, orange flames crashed against the copper pan like waves at a boat, the temperature was unbearable."
Whew, don't start making errors now! Both the comma before 'the pale' and the one before 'the temperature' need to be semicolons.

14-May-2010 19:15:04 - Last edited on 14-May-2010 19:45:57 by A White Wolf

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Though having that many semicolons in one sentence isn't something I like either. Here's how I'd phrase it:
"The oil simmered as the range was lit below it, the pale, orange flames crashing against the copper pan like waves at a boat; the temperature was unbearable."
"The still-bleeding portions of animal tissue sizzled and ripped as the outer layers tore in the heat, and the traces of water expanded."
This literally almost made me gag. And I love steak. I am a happy carnivore.
"Boiling sanguine juices spilled out through the porous meat."
Yes! You win. Sanguine is one of my all-time favorite words, and you used it perfectly. I guess I have to just accept you on the spot now.
"[...]are emptied onto dull, silver platters along with roasted, mashed and blended plant life."
Ahaha, this literally made me laugh out loud. You are doing such a wonderful job of taking the mundane and describing it in gloriously uncommon fashion, as if someone trying to describe a boring ritua-
Aha! I'm onto you!
You're taking the ordinary and making it extraordinary. You'd better not be using this as your entry into that story contest, you little scamp.
FINAL SUMMARY:
Well, assuming you're not using this as your contest entry into that Ordinary -> Extraordinary story contest, hands down you win.
Barring some punctuation issues, which are easily fixed, you destroyed it. Wonderful description, great characterization, everything is great.
You're accepted into The Incredibly Gifted Authors. I hope you're not disqualified for using your entry thing elsewhere. Haha.

14-May-2010 19:46:07 - Last edited on 14-May-2010 19:52:30 by A White Wolf

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Name you'd like to be called: Azigarath
Stories that are best examples of your talent: Cannibal's Lament
Quick find code: 49-50-905-59858658
Estimated Number of STORY Posts on said story: 130 - 140
Reason I should Accept you: (make it good) An application for TIGA (I just found out what this meant) was recommended to me by a reader several months ago and I want to prove that I don't ignore people's posts. I noticed that some authors take up to several months before posting a chapter, and I typed a 140 post story in ten days but updated the prologue four fays later, so I typed the story in 14 days, which isn't a bad feat because it had no foundation for development but ended up to be OK anyway.
Time on Forums (Months, years, etc.): Six years, though I had long breaks in-between.
Time Spent Writing (Outside of forums, months, years, etc.): Six years, but I deleted all my stories a few years ago.

14-May-2010 23:29:22

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The Pair of Shoes
And the gallant crusaders reached the ancient walls of Byzantium, the last remnants of the Roman Empire.
They were all greatly impressed by the noble city. Aqueducts, public baths, great market, beautiful palaces and all the grandeur of a Medieval Roman Empire.
Interested in seeing the remnants of the Roman Empire, many of the crusaders, from archers to knights, explored here and there, drinking from fountains, or wishing into them.
In the golden city of sweet-smelling flowers and graceful nobility, such a pleasant world was beyond the dreams of the European crusaders.
Soon, some of the crusaders wanted to see if they could buy souvenirs to show-off once they made it back home.
A group of knights, clad in chain mail and white surcoats, explored the local stores of the great markets.
One of the knights, the average chivalrous knight whom has been through many battles, spotted a nice pair of shoes on the counter.
"It would make a great gift to my wife!" he thought to himself, and he asked about the shoes with the few Greek words he knew. Since this was not effective, he pointed at the shoes, smiled and nodded.
The merchant, using the little European words he knew, tried to reckon a reasonable profit from the pair of shoes. After a brief sentence or two in a mix of languages, the two did their best to communicate the price.
The knight put down a cascade of lovely gold, silver and copper coins onto the counter, but to the merchant's surprise, the knight only pushed a few of them toward the merchant, as if to say, 'this is how much I will pay.'
The merchant, dissatisfied with the stingy personality of the knight, put his fingertips on several coins and dragged them to his side of the counter, as this was a more reasonable amount of money to make a profit from those shoes.
The knight, losing his smile, placed his mail-clad hand over half the coins at the merchant's side of the counter and dragged them away.

14-May-2010 23:29:40

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
For a few minutes, the knight and merchant were taking turns using their fingers to drag money side to side, and this made a few other knights chuckle form the sight.
Nearby at a beautiful sparkling fountain were a few knights flirting with pretty Byzantine girls as best they could. The barrier between them was the language that neither understood, but smiling and trying to communicate was enough to hint a liking toward people.
Nearby were also other various crusaders, some drinking wine with other noblemen or lesser city dwellers.
In fact, the crusaders and Byzantines seemed to get along very well, with the exception of the knight and the merchant, both trying to figure out a reasonable sum of money for the pair of shoes that would best suit them.
The knight bargaining over the pair of shoes got rather irritated, and by this time, some other crusaders were actually chuckling from the sight.
The knight then got angry and took back ass his coins, then counted them out (though even in this case his ability was limited) about four or five coins, just two silver and the rest copper, and upon confirming that this was a reasonable sum, he handed them to the merchant as a final offer. It did not turn out as the knight expected, and in anger, he punched the merchant's fat nose.
From that soon followed the slaughter of several thousand Byzantine civilians. The crusaders also pillaged warehouses, churches and palaces, and killed anyone in their way. They even grabbed holy relics of saints and threw them onto the streets. They put churches to the torch, and ripped apart ancient tapestries and paintings depicting perfect art.
The crusaders acted worse than barbarians.
So much brief chaos happened all for the price of a pair of shoes.
Coincidentally, during the Second Crusade, a crusader was sold for the price of a shoe.
Shoes really do play an important part in a man's life.

14-May-2010 23:29:57

Eri Vi
Jun Member 2010

Eri Vi

Posts: 965 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you so much Wolf. This is a huge boost to my confidence as a writer. :D
I don't know if it's spelled differently in Britain, but in the US it's spelled "aluminum."
Correct, UK English spelling.
Perfect spacing for clarity and for impact. You seem to have almost studied my writing style, because you're doing everything I do.
Not studied, but definitely read. Perhaps picked up on things subliminally?
SHE!? Lol, you need a little more than one extra line of space to denote a complete subject/time shift. I had to do a double-take.
Yes... Logan has got at me for the same thing in another story. I'll make sure I don't do it again. :P
Whew, don't start making errors now! Both the comma before 'the pale' and the one before 'the temperature' need to be semicolons.
Dear semicolon, I hate you...
This literally almost made me gag. And I love steak. I am a happy carnivore.
I'm not a vegetarian, but I don't enjoy eating meat either. So I'm glad I made the almighty Wolf gag, I was told it wasn't possible.
Yes! You win. Sanguine is one of my all-time favorite words, and you used it perfectly. I guess I have to just accept you on the spot now.
I'll spread the word! Use 'sanguine' and you're in. :P
You're taking the ordinary and making it extraordinary. You'd better not be using this as your entry into that story contest, you little scamp.
Haha, nope. My contest entry was about a twig. So no need to disqualify me!
You're accepted into The Incredibly Gifted Authors.
*Runs circles around the room*
Again, thank you for both accepting me and giving such a detailed and useful review.

.........¸.•*´¨)
.....¸•´......(..•*´¨)
¸.•´.................álevolent
~^~Member of the Incredibly Gifted Authors~^~

15-May-2010 13:57:34

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