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A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Wolf, please read the first page to see the proper application guidelines. Thanks.
Answers to the last posts from the last thread:
Malevolent, I am primarily a short story writer too, and a 4,000 character short story is one of the primary requirements for application.
You might as well. :-p
Mr Mcmrs, I do have stories in "The Anthology," QFC 49-50-527-56925121.
Keep in mind though that the vast majority of the stories contained within that were written between 5 and 3.5 years ago.
Paccehh, apologies for the wait, your review is forthcoming.

17-Apr-2010 20:56:46 - Last edited on 17-Apr-2010 20:57:25 by A White Wolf

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"He stood at the edge of the field, watching as his comrades ran past him in strategic lines, all holding their weapon in arms."
Typically when introducing an unnamed character, it provides a less-jarring entrance to vary from constant pronouns. "A man stood at the edge of the field,[...]." Also, that phrasing opens the door for some 'show' description.
"A man stood at the edge of the field, armor-clad visage gleaming in the sunlight." or something similar.
Also, you omitted a word: "[...]holding their weapon in -their- arm."
"He closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of arrows whistling through the air, a never ceasing hail that rained a constant flow of iron at his men."
This is a great sentence. Good complexity in phrasing, and the visual generated is very description.
"These people weren’t their enemy, their enemy was on the home front, sitting on their thrones… safe."
This is a great expression of political tension. I know that parallels a lot of modern feelings too; it's timeless. However, you need to proofread, proofread, proofread. The comma after 'enemy' needs to be a semicolon; you have two independent clauses that need a conjunctive agent between them.
"Men at each others throats in hand to hand combat."
Again, make sure you closely watch for punctuation mistakes; they can be tricky to catch. 'others' needs an apostrophe after the s. Also, given the fragmental nature of that sentence, I think that it would provide some powerful repetition for effect to make the next sentence a fragment too.
"Men at each others' throats. Men falling from long range shots being fired."
Fragments are almost a method of performing a mental montage. If you link them together, your mind gets a quick snapshot of the action described, rather than ongoing activity like complete sentences provide.
"Their blood pouring from wounds that should have never been caused."
However, some fragments aren't literarily feasible. This one, for instance.

17-Apr-2010 20:57:47 - Last edited on 17-Apr-2010 21:18:52 by A White Wolf

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The problem with it is that it feels like it got chopped off the end of another sentence and set adrift; it's like a literary lifeboat with one survivor. It's an dependent clause, so it needs to be anchored on a independent clause.
"He looked to his left, one of his brothers had been thrown to the ground, a sword to his face. He fired a single shot at the man, the arrow going through his neck in a swift release of his finger."
The semicolon that's needed in place of the comma after 'left' aside, grammatically, this reads as if the man shot an arrow through his brother's neck. This is called a dangling expression, and it's just an ambiguity created from poor phrasing construction.
Also, another recurring problem you're having is subject ambiguity; when you have nothing but male characters who are all referred to with the male pronoun, it makes it very difficult to tell what is happening to whom.
I would re-phrase it somewhat in this fashion:
"He looked to his left; one of his brothers had been thrown to the ground, his assailant's sword pressed to his face. With a smooth release of his finger, the man fired an arrow cleanly through the attacker's neck, a bright spray of crimson the herald of a hit."
"They stood next to each other for a short moment, until they were off into the fight, like moths to a flame."
I like that metaphor a lot; it indicates not merely an attraction, but almost an uncontrollable -need- to fight. The moth is invariably drawn to flame, just as the soldiers can't help but fight.
"His comrades followed, eyes glinting with glory"
Agh, you -can't- end a story with a punctuation mistake. Leaving out that period absolutely destroys the closure and finality of the story. It's like a sports game ending without the final buzzer. It just feels empty.
FINAL SUMMARY:
You had some great moments for sure in the story, and used some good descriptive elements. I would've liked to see at least a little dialogue, but battles are battles.

17-Apr-2010 20:58:00 - Last edited on 17-Apr-2010 21:31:00 by A White Wolf

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I think the biggest recurring problem you'll need to improve on are the fragmented sentences. I didn't bother counting them, but there were at least 10 or 15, and when not being used as a stylistic or literary element, fragments do just that - they fragment and disjoint a story's immersion and description.
I'm sorry to say that you've not been accepted into The Incredibly Gifted Authors.
Some more tips for fragments and more-
When proofreading, I advise looking at each sentence and asking yourself, "Does this have both a subject and a verb?" If the answer is no, then you can ask yourself what to change to include them. If you can't identify which is the subject and the verb, then I would strongly recommend doing some reading on grammar fundamentals, because a writer who doesn't know grammar or sentence structure is like a surgeon who doesn't know what a scalpel is. It just doesn't work.
Fixing the fragmented sentences and punctuation mistakes will immediately improve your writing at least two-fold, in my opinion.
Also, try experimenting with varying subjects; reading the same "He did XX, and then he did XX. His XX was XX." gets old very quickly for the reader. It's -telling- your reader about the action instead of -showing- them.
"Show, Don't Tell" is the prose writer's motto. Keep that in mind when writing and you'll do great.
Keep improving, and happy writing.

17-Apr-2010 21:31:14 - Last edited on 17-Apr-2010 21:38:58 by A White Wolf

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