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A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"There were a few chuckles and nods, followed by silence."
Be mindful of the tense of your writing. Two different kinds exist, active tense and passive tense. Active tense writing is engaging and interesting; it's marked by the subject performing the action given in the verb. For this reason, it's preferred.
Passive tense writing just passively describes the actions going on without describing who is doing what. Typically, passive tense sentences are set off by "There were XXXX" or "There is XXXX".
So, for instance: "There were a few chuckles and nods, followed by silence." = Passive
"The men around him chuckled and nodded, though silence quickly overtook the momentary gesture." = Active
"Eyes gleaming like emeralds, hot vapor rising from its open mouth, it charged."
This is a good bit of description; overall, I have to say vivid description like this is fairly lacking throughout, though I know you mentioned that you struggled with brevity. I would imagine descriptors were some of the first things you cut down upon to shorten the tale, which is too bad.
"I looked over my shoulder to see everybody retreating."
This sentence gives a nice sense of hopelessness. Like, you look back and notice for the first time that you're the only one still standing your ground. I like that.
"I watched in agony as it came straight down for me."
This cliffhanger leaves something to be desired, I think. Firstly, it's pretty obvious what happens to him, so it's not reaaaally a cliffhanger. Furthermore, why is he watching in agony? When was he injured, or is it mental agony? I feel like it's a bit vague. Oh well.
FINAL SUMMARY:
Overall impressions-- your spelling is really quite good. I didn't see a whole lot of grammar errors, though there were some punctuation difficulties.
So keep that up. Writing cleanly is a very important part of being a gifted writer. You can't write well if you can't stick to grammar correctly.

03-Sep-2010 08:19:49 - Last edited on 03-Sep-2010 08:53:04 by A White Wolf

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Overall impressions of the story though weren't quite so ebullient, unfortunately. The first half of the story wasn't very engaging as I felt like a lot of the description was missing, aside from a few like "the rain pelted my gleaming armor" which help a bit.
Your descriptions of the beast were very interesting, though; I found myself stopping and trying to visualize what it looked like as you gave each new piece of description, like the filth-covered armor, the hooves, or the battle axe. So that was a definite plus and a very good application of "Show, Don't Tell" writing.
Unfortunately, "soldiers have to fight against a big monster attacking their village/castle" is about as cliched a story plotline as your initial introduction was, so that made it difficult to relate with and immerse oneself into the story, because it feels like the same thing we've all read before.

Though I really hate declining people multiple times because I do appreciate effort and initiative, I don't think I can accept you into The Incredibly Gifted Authors.
Working on avoiding literary cliches and tired topics of writing can liven up a piece; also, trying to think outside of the box while composing a new story can help jumpstart creativity.
For instance, when writing something of short length, you could just do a single battle scene between two individuals, or write an intro to a story that never comes, letting the audience fill in the story that would follow.
One of the best ways to test your writing capabilities is to "take something ordinary and make it extraordinary." For instance, one applicant wrote about the process of going from cow to cookout. And it was morbidly fascinating. I loved it.
So yeah, keep working and improving. You're doing great. Thanks for applying!

03-Sep-2010 09:03:11

Uber141

Uber141

Posts: 4,394 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yay! My review!
Thanks Wolfeh for taking your time, once again, to help me understand some grammatical stuff I don't get. Semi-colons are my nemisis! :P
Yeah, I kind of had to cut down on description, otherwise the story would be too long.
I'd rather be not accepted, than just thrown into a guild and called a 'gifted author' when I don't have the experience. I'll work on some stuff for a future application...
Just have a small question: IS writing a non-RuneScape related short story for my next application allowed?
P.S. I'll take what you've said into consideration, and maybe I'll be able to improve some more. After all, it'd seem silly if I reapplied immediately.
Thanks again! :D

03-Sep-2010 17:46:26 - Last edited on 03-Sep-2010 17:50:13 by Uber141

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yes, I allow non-Runescape related short stories. Thanks for being a good sport Uber.
Seeing as how the friggin' game is so screwed up I can't even log in, I might as well use my forcibly free time to do this other review.
So, forthcoming review, hold onto your seats.

08-Sep-2010 08:00:04

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Stories of mystery typically begin in the mist of a raging storm, deafening thunder echoing through empty streets and blinding lightning rending the sky in two."
Ahahahaha, I find it incredibly humorous that you state the prevalence of this literary cliche, when Uber's application used it. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but this intro is great.
However, I assume you meant "midst" and not "mist," even though "mist" would technically work.
"Many feel that, on beautiful days, evil deeds are far from the minds of every person, and that no-one can think impure thoughts whilst the Sun smiles down at them."
I really love how you state and then refute the cliche. This immediately gets the reader thinking, "Oohh, he's right...evil things -can- happen while it's nice out." Then they start trying to come up with what evil things might end up occurring. Brilliant intro.
"The sky was coloured a perfect blue above the city of Falador, and there was not a cloud in the sky."
I'm going to give the same spiel about Passive vs. Active tense writing I gave Uber.
You have a habit of writing in the passive tense a lot. "There was not a cloud in the sky," for instance, is passive tense. It's just less dramatic, less engaging, less interesting. Almost every passive tense sentence can be replaced by an adjective and an active verb; "The brilliantly blue, cloudless sky shone radiantly over Falador, a testament to the glory of summer."
That's active tense, because the subject is DOING the action. Passive tense has something being done TO the subject. "The sky shone," as opposed to "The sky was coloured."
"Within a shadow cast by a tall apartment building that stood at the bank of the moat that encircled the gleaming white castle,[...]"
WAAAYY run-on. Waaaaay run-on. This is about 5 sentences-worth of description packed into a never-ending monologue of location.

08-Sep-2010 08:02:23 - Last edited on 08-Sep-2010 09:01:15 by A White Wolf

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Rewrite for clarity in situations, like this for instance: "However, with a brilliant sun also comes dark shadows. One such shadow, cast by a tall apartment building standing near the bank of the gleaming castle's moat, was special. A miniscule movement within, barely perceptible, heralded a dark figure's approach."
"Every noise he made raised the chance of him being discovered by a citizen or, worse, a city guard."
This is a prime example of another point I say over and over again; one of two three-word phrases I constantly scream at new applicants. One of those is "DON'T USE ELLIPSES," and the other is "SHOW, DON'T TELL."
This sentence tells us very succinctly why it was dangerous to agitate the swans. It tells us several possibilities that could arise. IT ALSO PUTS US TO SLEEP.
Instead of telling us how dangerous it is, or how narrowly he just avoided capture, show us. "His breath caught as two women discussing the day's cooking on a nearby bridge paused their discussion, glancing over at the noisy birds with curiosity. Unable to see him within the shadow of the wall, though, they went on their way, much to his relief. Being seen by the townsfolk would be disastrous."
"Within the pristine castle of the White Knights, silence reigned."
This is another good description to set the scene. It depicts an aura of stoic fortitude and quiet inside this majestic building. However, it's difficult to know if you mean the silence is a normal thing or something unusual due to the weather.
"His struggles ceased abruptly as the blade did its deadly work, the assassin releasing his grip, satisfied at his success. A sanguine flow spread sluggishly across the desk, staining the confidential documents that lay there a deep crimson as the assassin turned and left the room as silently as he had entered it."
This is awesome, to be frank. The alliteration, tactful description of the murder, everything is great. I wish all your description was like this bit here.

08-Sep-2010 08:02:25 - Last edited on 08-Sep-2010 09:23:48 by A White Wolf

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"For such people hold nothing sacred."
This line is, I believe, a touch too melodramatic. It's a nice attempt to finish on some, like, "These heinous individuals, blah blah blah" kind of note, but in this instance I felt like it detracted from the crushing finality of Varze's murder.
Rather than "The most beautiful of days had been defiled and twisted, abused for hideous purposes by evil men.
For such people hold nothing sacred." I think a better conclusion would've been a simple re-stating of one of your opening lines, like, "But at least it was still a beautiful day outside."
That contrast leaves a cold, kind of chilling feeling, because the beautiful day HAS been tainted and defiled, but yet again, you're not TELLING them. You don't HAVE too! They already know! They know it's been defiled because they just saw a dude get MURDERED.
Retelling them again just gets redundant and boring. But if you make a statement like "But at least it was still a beautiful day outside" then the person is like, "Yeah, but wow...what's a beautiful day compared to a guy dying?" It reminds them of the opening, how optimistic it was, and how morbidly opposite it is now, making the beautiful day seem shallow and hollow, a facade.
Writing a story is 20% showing and telling the reader what is going on, and 80% letting them create the story for themselves in their mind. You don't successfully achieve immersion in a story until the person visualizes themselves in it, and feels the emotions present in the tone. That happens when people can relate, and how do they relate? Not by you relating it TO them, but by letting them MAKE it relate to themselves.
That's why you purposefully leave some bits ambiguous, because the audience will know what it wants to feel and will create that feeling for themselves. It's just up to you to provide the framework to facilitate that, and that's the hardest part of being an excellent writer.

08-Sep-2010 09:34:16

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