"Lightning flashed, and thunder rolled."
Kind of a literary cliche; be mindful of cliches while crafting your introduction. Unless you're purposefully creating such for purposes of satire or irony, you don't want people to see something and say, "this intro again?"
"Rain pelted my gleaming armor as I charged over the bridge, and into the flooded streets of Falador."
You don't need the comma after bridge; you only need a comma to separate independent and dependent clauses. You merely have a compound object, using prepositional phrases as the objects. "I charged over and into," to simplify.
"All of us seemed to realize that this would not yield the creature we were preparing to face."
Well, to be frank, soldiers would be -hoping- the wall wouldn't yield to the creature. Yielding means giving way, and they would certainly not want their wall to give way to this beast.
"We were shaking in our boots; not from fear, but from being drenched from head to toe, icy water swirling at our knees."
Semicolons only join independent clauses that could stand alone. "not from fear, but from being drenched from head to toe[...]" is a dependent clause, because it depends on the first clause to give it its completion and meaning; it cannot stand alone.
A better use of punctuation here would be an endash, often denoted by two hyphens together, to set the action apart. Good description in this sentence though.
""Status report!" boomed a deep voice from my rear. I craned my neck to see our commander riding in on his war stallion."
This made me laugh, because this highlights how important preposition placement is to avoid hilarious double meanings and ambiguous wordings.
So...is a deep voice booming from his rear? Which then has a stallion riding into it? Hahaha. You may want to reword that to not have such a silly unintended meaning; "Status report!" a deep voice from behind me boomed. I craned my neck to see our commander riding in on his war stallion."
03-Sep-2010 08:19:23
- Last edited on
03-Sep-2010 08:36:58
by
A White Wolf