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A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
FINAL SUMMARY:
This was harder than I expected, to be honest; you have a few really great moments in the story, most notably the climacks. Getting a strong climacks (stupid censor) to the piece really wins you a lot of points even if the rest has been sluggish.
Your spelling and grammar were pretty good for the most part; I didn't see enough errors that it distracted me from the story, and that's the important part.
Your description, though, was extremely hit or miss. Man, when it was on, it was ON. But when it wasn't, it was YAWN. Consistently working to use active tense writing will help some of that, and just improving consistency throughout will as well.
"Assassin killing RS Celebrity" is a very popular short story topic, to the point of being cliche; however, I think you facilitated this cliche well by pointing out and opposing certain other cliches that it relies on; for instance, the dark and stormy night.
Then, finally, it's really a shame you don't have any other stories put up; I was unimpressed with A Tale of Legend to be frank, even reading the final chapters you'd posted. I think your writing skill displayed in this short was significantly better than even the last stuff posted to A Tale of Legend.
All in all, I think I'm going to have to reject your application to The Incredibly Gifted Authors, based primarily on your inconsistency in writing, and dependency on passive tense.
If you work on those, and get the entire story up to the quality that the murder scene was, you'll be a fierce writer. I look forward to seeing you get to that point; I hope this review helped.
Happy writing!

08-Sep-2010 09:39:48 - Last edited on 08-Sep-2010 09:40:15 by A White Wolf

Uber141

Uber141

Posts: 4,394 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Any suggestions to writing a good short story?
I find myself being a bit of a Tolkien. Not in writing ability, but just more of the fact that I use a lot of decription.
But with this character limit, I have to cut down on description, ruining the entire piece. Any way to fix this vicious cycle?
I understand that most authors must overcome their own problems if they are to succeed, but it seems I failed at that twice already.

10-Sep-2010 21:13:47 - Last edited on 10-Sep-2010 21:14:15 by Uber141

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I struggle with using lots of description as well, Uber. My strategy is usually to take one event or a very short glimpse of a story and write that. Since there's not actually that much happening as far as the plot, you have room to describe.
The other end is to take something so epic that it can't be described,which is sort of what I did with my entry here when I got in.
What I would NOT do, is choose to do something like a battle, as that just has too much room to describe, and is probably too epic. Think simple concepts.
If you want examples, feel free to look on From the Misty Depths. :P

10-Sep-2010 21:59:09

CannedNoob97

CannedNoob97

Posts: 10,338 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The door creaked open as I walked past the blackened dungeon, only to be illuminated by dimly lit candles outstretching the corridor. With just a curved, gorgonite sword in my hand, I had just killed a legion of zombies coming after me. I didn't know what to do now, other than move on.
I had no idea what was ahead of me, for this was a runescape historic moment. This was the last and hardest dungeon, nobody has ever gotten here, except me. It's all of the floors combined, the frozen, abandoned, occult and furnished rooms. I'm telling you about this because nobody can ever forget this moment. Back then I was a tall guy, about 5 to 6 feet tall. I was trained in the art of being a warrior since I was 7, and at the time I was attacking the dungeon I was 34. I had caramel-colored skin and ice blue eyes. I wore a brown, leather shirt and jet black pants, even when I fought, unless I had armor with me.
I looked around the room. Oh, god, it was freezing. I couldn't see anything, literally. The room in front of me was shrouded in a jet black blanket that they called darkness. Nothing seemed to jump out as me...until suddenly the candle surrounding the room lit up dimly, and an angry-looking blue ice giant staring into me with a thirst for my blood. I couldn't see much from the half-darkness, but I saw a meaty arm outstreched, smashing down on me. I dodged out of the way just when the hammer-like arm of death smashed the ground.
I gritted my teeth, waiting for the next attack. Just one blow could knock me out or kill me. Both were fatal.
"Raaaarrgh!!" the giant shrieked as it lunged its arm at me again. I sidestepped, and it slammed into the wall. The brick-covered arm was stuck, lodged it the wall so I had some time to react. I slashed left in right with my sword, with only the result of a few chunk of ice soaring across the vacinity. The giant still seemed untouched.
The giant extracted his arm from the wall, and now he seemed to be more irate than ever.

10-Sep-2010 22:02:33 - Last edited on 10-Sep-2010 22:26:34 by CannedNoob97

CannedNoob97

CannedNoob97

Posts: 10,338 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
He roared another time, but this time I charged into him. I slid between his open legs and slashed my sword across the giant's leg. He tried to grab me with his giant, frosty hand but I was just away from him enough for him to be unable to reach me.
The slash did nothing but put a small cut on him. I stood up and looked to my left, seeing the lit, waxy candle.
Wait...of course! The candle! I swiped the candle right off its stand, charged and whipped it across the giant's leg. A small flame started on it, and I jumped back as he smashed his fist down on where I just was, sending pieces of stone flying in all directions.
The small fame didn't seem to do much. Then I got another plan. I reached for another candle and lit my sword on fire. I dashed at the giant again. He roared, and wasn't going to fall for it again, and lunged a fist at me.
I had no time to dodge, so I charged at his fist, let out a cry and lunged the gorgonite sword into his fist. Flames erupted from his fist as the sword dug into his icy skin, and the surprised giant yelled out in intense pain. I pulled out, and the giant threw his hand up towards the sky and waved his hand around to make the flames go away, but his hand was half melted anyways, and I lunged my flaming sword into his knee cap while he was doing that. An explosion of flames were dismembering his body, and he fell to the ground, his whole body melting. The hole dungeon field was drenched in cold water. He let out a final scream of defeat, and then his torso quickly melted from the hot flames, and as the flames reached the soaked floor, they flickered out.
I breathed slowly, in and out at what I just saw. A bright white flash appeared, and some items appeared at where the giant died. I sifted through, and it was all junk, except what looked like a fractite shield.
I could use it, I thought. I looked out, and saw the door had a red, vortex-like symbol on it. This meant it was the boss door.
I took a breath and braced myself...

10-Sep-2010 22:04:01 - Last edited on 10-Sep-2010 22:44:13 by CannedNoob97

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You cannot go over the limit. What would be the point in the limit if you could? >.>
And it can't be something you wrote for something else, anyway. It's gotta be originally written specifically for your application. Also, you probably shouldn't be posting a story unless you're a member or it's part of your application.

10-Sep-2010 22:04:07 - Last edited on 10-Sep-2010 22:04:37 by Chuk

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