"The knight put down a cascade of lovely gold, silver and copper coins onto the counter, but to the merchant's surprise, the knight only pushed a few of them toward the merchant, as if to say, 'this is how much I will pay.'"
Try to keep personal exchanges realistic; it helps believability. No one in their right mind ever shows off how much money they have only to then try to bargain. It's counter-productive; they'll know you have more money left and will be unwilling to cut a deal. Little things like this go a long way to making a story believable and entertaining.
"For a few minutes, the knight and merchant were taking turns using their fingers to drag money side to side, and this made a few other knights chuckle form the sight."
***
"The knight bargaining over the pair of shoes got rather irritated, and by this time, some other crusaders were actually chuckling from the sight."
We already know that the sight was humorous from the first description; reiteration merely overemphasizes and wears a reader out. Try to re-read and consolidate passages that have redundancy.
"The knight then got angry and took back ass his coins, then counted them out (though even in this case his ability was limited) about four or five coins, just two silver and the rest copper, and upon confirming that this was a reasonable sum, he handed them to the merchant as a final offer."
Proofread, proofread, proofread. Especially when you make typos that are accidentally profanity. As a general rule of thumb, also, parentheses have very little place in prose writing; a semicolon, colon, or dash much more attractively denotes a pause in thought.
FINAL SUMMARY:
The entire story felt very rushed, in my opinion. While overall spelling, grammar, and punctuation were't bad at all, the near-complete lack of Shown description made for a very dry read.
If you elaborate more, with the intent of immersing your reader, your writing will improve drastically.
09-Jun-2010 01:00:02
- Last edited on
09-Jun-2010 02:04:19
by
A White Wolf
