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The Thief's Apprentice.

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Levente

Levente

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Firstly, if you can explain why it is "choppy," I'd appreciate it. Secondly, ty for reading it, and lastly any suggestments?
~said the Wind
"Warmth, and coolness is a nature's fact on the wind. But force and trouble can brew up as well. Beware of the coming Wind."

29-Jul-2009 00:20:02 - Last edited on 29-Jul-2009 00:21:24 by Levente

Dellema7

Dellema7

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The choppiness just has to do with the grammatical errors. There were a few sentences that seemed too long, and sometimes you missed commas, making my brain try to cram it all together. It's something like talking without taking a breath or pausing.
It was my pleasure.
Suggestions? No, hardly. It's your story, and I'd much rather read your story than my own. I'd recomend you try to stay unpredictable, but that's me. It doesn't work for everyone.

29-Jul-2009 00:26:15 - Last edited on 29-Jul-2009 00:27:03 by Dellema7

Levente

Levente

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Chapter 4
Orion's Belt
A faint light shined through the darkness, that grew brighter and brighter. Nathan's eyes started to water, and soon he shut his eyes again. “Morning!” croaked a hoarse voice. Nathan raised his hand in protest against the bright light. He saw a quick glimpse and knew that he was in the Round Meadow Tavern and off in the distance he saw a familiar large figure. “Nat, you alright?”
Nathan blinked once more, and the light evaporated that caused him to see more clearly. He became startled by a large bushy figure leaning over him, that had a large and strong breath. Nathan moved back, until he noticed Hurst. “ Hurst, you gave me quite a scare. My what are you doing in here?” asked Nathan as he rubbed his face. Hurst gave him a stern look and said, “Nathan, it's nearly the afternoon and I thought the worst about you.” He looked at Nathan from head to toe as Nathan got out of bed, than after he made sure that he was alright back away from him. Nathan slowly got up from the bed, still rubbing his head which beat violently and dragged his feet to the bucket of water. He washed his face slowly, letting the water to soak his face then he waved Hurst out of the room. After a few quick minutes, Nathan changed, shaved, and suited up for the departure of the Round Meadow Tavern. Though he never stayed here long, Nathan knew that he would miss the calm and soothing atmosphere.
Nathan ventured down to the main room, and saw it was completely empty. Even though, Nathan had a guess why it was empty when it was always full of people, he asked and was given the answer that he had expected. “Them ran off last night, after them Shadow Seekers,” replied Hurst as he served Nathan a beer. Nathan drank it slowly, his mind pacing over the fight last night and the way Star had looked at him after. Star, I wonder what she thinks of me now thought Nathan. Where is Star?!

30-Jul-2009 05:12:41 - Last edited on 30-Jul-2009 05:18:20 by Levente

Levente

Levente

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Nathan nearly gagged on his beer, and attacked Hurst in words, “where is Star?” Hurst his back turned to the confused and scared Nathan, merely said, “with Claire in the back.” Hurst still cleaned a mug, and watched as Nathan sped out of the tavern and into the back of it. The back of the tavern was a neat large garden that supplied some of the vegetables and fruit that were housed in the tavern. Most of it was bought from the farmer near by, Hurst had allowed Claire to build it and had even provided the money for the seeds and tools. Claire was in her white apron, with her red hair tied back. Her face was blushed from the slowly cold breeze that swept through the surrounding oaks. She pulled out large yellow carrots from the ground, then gave them to Star as she neatly placed them in a basket. It was a quiet moment for Nathan and peaceful, Claire turned her head towards him as she brushed her hair. She slowly waved him over to her, and as he walked towards them.
“Nathan, how nice of you to finally join us,” Claire teased. Star gave a quick glance at Nathan but when he turned to give a smile and a good morning, she turned away back to the basket.
Nathan didn't reply, and allowed Claire to continue talking, “Hurst thought you were sick so he checked up on you. Hope you didn't mind. Also if you didn't notice everyone left the area after ... well last night. Don't get your hopes down, if your thinking about that but we'll have more customer after winter or maybe during it. A lot of people run down this road only to be caught in a blizzard.” Nathan didn't follow what Claire was saying, only nodded. When she and Star finished weeding and pulling out the final crops from the ground, they returned back inside the tavern. Nathan sat around the empty bar, with Star as Hurst swept the ground floor. Claire would soon returned back with hot soup, to warm their insides from the chilly day.

30-Jul-2009 05:12:47 - Last edited on 30-Jul-2009 05:18:53 by Levente

Levente

Levente

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Nathan thought about leaving the tavern soon, most likely today cause that was he original plan, but the events that happened last night caused him to stop them, and maybe stay longer. He pondered his mind during the time they ate the soup, and finally came to the conclusion after Claire had put the bowls away. “ Hurst, I will be leaving before the fall of night today.”
Hurst dropped his spoon on the creamed cake that he was devouring and looked at the table top, sadly. Claire as she passed out the cream cakes, stopped for a moment when she was giving some to Star but after a minute continued. “Boy, I think that you should wait it out. I heard them road bandits, get mighty vicious so I wouldn't be heading to the lion's den so sudden,” stated Hurst.
“Look I need to head to my ...... destination and I can't do that if I'm stopped by every Shadow Seeker so I think my best bets are tonight, while people think it only rumors.” replied Nathan. “Anyways I need to head away from here, for they would soon be looking for me.”
“So your leaving us, to defend ourselves while you ponce around the woods?” slammed Claire.

“NO! Of course not, but my mind never thought of myself staying here too long. I got a lot to teach Star and I hardly think I can do it here. How can you say that Claire?”
“How?! Cause last time, the authorities came marching through here looking for you, old Hurst and I had to clean up the mess, like we always do.
“First I ain't old, second watch what you say around Nathan. He's a good guy and wouldn't abandon his friends even if the devil himself was coming here. And he's right, he wasn't planning to stay here forever. Times have passed Claire, he needs to go with Star and raise the small young'un. Now I want you to take a couple of things from us though Nat,” explained Hurst.

30-Jul-2009 05:12:55 - Last edited on 30-Jul-2009 05:19:21 by Levente

Levente

Levente

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Claire looked at Nathan rudely and nasty while Hurst explained this, then nodded in the end of their conversation and marched away to the kitchen as Star tailed behind her. When she returned, Nathan and Hurst had already discussed the “travel arrangements” to a town called Glamis.
“Look Hurst, I can't tell you why I'm going there but I don't want you to tell Claire that I am. I know she will follow me and this time I can't take it. Not because I don't care for her, I just ..... well I'll be doing new and dangerous things that I don't want to risk her in.” Nathan explained.
“I understand Nathan. I always trusted you decisions but I can't help wonder what of her? She loves you Nat, and if you can 'take it' than you got another thing coming. Look I hear she's coming, I won't say another word about this to anyone, but I know why you are going to Glamis and I wish for you to know that, that path will lead to a lot of pain alone,” replied Hurst. They slowly walked out of the tavern and in front where they found Badger waiting for Nathan. Nathan gave a small nod for Hurst and got onto the horse as Claire ran to them carrying a large woolen bag.
“Here, food for the next few day and other things that might help out. Now since you got another mouth to feed I better know that you are taking care of her, or I'll box your teeth out.” Claire jumped to conclusion, and after gave Star a strong hug. “Please look after yourself, honey and make sure that Nathan does too, for as stubborn and pain that he is, in the end he is a good guy.”
Star returned the warm hug, and walked to Nathan's side. He placed her on the horse, and saw that she was getting used to the mighty beast, then he walked over to Claire. “I'll see you soon ..... I promise.” he said as he not dared to look into her eyes. She stared at him, smiling then placed her hand on his face. “I'm not allowed to trust a thief remember? But look after yourself, I need someone to scream at from time to time.”

30-Jul-2009 05:13:00 - Last edited on 30-Jul-2009 05:19:43 by Levente

Levente

Levente

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Nathan returned the smile, saddled the horse with the woolen bag and rode off, waving back with Star.
~ ~~
The ride was sweet and gentle, the forest gave them a peaceful aspect. Star for the first time, replied back to Nathan's questions and comments. They talked about the beautiful city of Qualimin and where she had lived but Nathan made sure not to start talking about her parents. Then she became curious about the surrounding plants and trees, so with the great knowledge that Nathan had about them, he started to help her memorize the names of the local plants. She was a great and healthy learner, always trying to grain as much as she can into her mind. They talked and talked and didn't even notice the surrounding darkness that swallowed them whole over the course of their conversation, until it was too hard and dangerous to keep riding. They unsaddled the horse, and Nathan showed Star how to build a fire from a flint stone that he always carried on his person. She had a few problems with it at first then she finally caught a spark and the dry wood burned with warm sensation. Afterwards when they finished all the errands that they had to do before they went to sleep, Nathan decided to teach a few more tricks to her.
He went to his pack, and pulled out three tiny little bells with thin string attached to it. She looked at it, and asked Nathan what he planned on doing with it but he just showed her. They walked around the camp, Nathan instructing Star to retrieve pebbles. Then he showed her to place the string under the pebbles to hold them down, and then the bells somewhere in the bushes or away from the publics eye. Then when someone passed by, they would step on the string causing the bell to ring, letting them to know if someone was advancing upon them. “But why?” asked Star.

30-Jul-2009 05:13:07 - Last edited on 30-Jul-2009 05:15:18 by Levente

Levente

Levente

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“There are many reason for that question but I would rather like to think of it, as a safety precaution if anyone uninvited should prowl nearby,” replied Nathan.
Later when they had completed the last and finally errand, they placed themselves in their sleeping bags (which was too large for Star) and stared at the stars. They listened to the chirping of the crickets and the occasional hooting from a mouse owl. Nathan was nearly asleep, when a tiny voice asked him, “You once told me, about Orion's Belt. What is it?”
“Well its a mixture of many and many stars that hang together. Orion's Belt was named after a man named Orion many many years ago. People say that he was a magician that could conjure up different and wondrous things, from cure to illness to animals and some even say the stars. That's how the story was made, one day a man came to him and asked for a way to find home again. Orion knew that there was no solid way, because the changing lands and seas, so he made the sky into a large and unchanging map. Orion's Belt can lead you home from anywhere in the world, because it faces one direction that most stars do not, that is east. So whenever you wish to go back to Qualimin, your birthplace Star just look up into the night sky and follow Orion's Belt.”

“But why is it called Orion's Belt?” asked Star.
“I do not know, Star. But I think that the story refers to how he made the stars. From his secret and magical pouch that was held on his belt. He pulled out something called star dust and threw it into the sky. It's said that the dust is real, because there were many famous people that discovered something like it, only never to bring it back. They were afraid that it would end the very existence of the sky, and many could not let that happen, due the beauty of it as well as the map it possess.”

30-Jul-2009 05:13:13 - Last edited on 30-Jul-2009 05:15:44 by Levente

Levente

Levente

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“So some men found the dust?” asked Star.
“Once in a while, ya. Why? Are you interested in finding the pouch?”
“Yes, and that day I'll make a star after me, so many people will know my name.” she replied, softly. There was a long pause after this, until Star asked. “Nathan...?”
“Yes Star?”
“Do you know why I have a mark on my neck? My nanny used to tell me that I was special compared to the other girls but I don't feel special. Why is that?”
“I don't know what it means, Star. But maybe one day we will find out together.”
“I hope so...” she replied, and with that Nathan started to hear light and slow breathing. Knowing that she has finally fallen asleep, Nathan relaxed and started to drift off. The cool night's air and the warmth of the sleeping bag helped him to feel good. Maybe Nathan thought, maybe we will find the star dust together, Star. Maybe.

30-Jul-2009 05:13:20 - Last edited on 21-Aug-2009 07:43:47 by Levente

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