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The Thief's Apprentice.

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Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okie. :) By the way, if you're ever feeling bored, check out my story The Defied Truth. I'm sure you'll like it. ^_^ __________
Post 5 ~
Your Version: “Yes, yes I heard. Terrible news but thankfully you got away. Did you watch the - ”
Edited Version: “Yes, yes I heard. Terrible news, but thankfully you got away. Did you watch the-”
-- Missed a comma and the space before and after the hyphen is unneeded.
Your Version: Mitch joined in and poured us a glass of rum, that was from his 'special' compartment.
Edited Version: Mitch joined in and poured them a glass of rum that was from his 'special' compartment.
-- A comma splice and you were changing perspectives here. You had 'us' which would be first-person, when the rest had been in third-person. ;) Be careful.
Your Version: Alden allowed Mitch to stay at the table, for if he couldn't be trusted then no one can.
Edited Version: Alden allowed Mitch to stay at the table, for if he couldn't be trusted then no one could.
-- Doing the same perspective thing here.
Your Version: “Now for a short business. I have a child for you. The child is smart, curious and most importantly untamed yet. We do know that the child was of royalty, for the clothes that was worn when we found it,” began Alden. Knowing him, he wanted the business to be quick but to be understood.
Edited Version: “Now for a short business. I have a child for you. The child is smart, curious, and most importantly, untamed yet. We do know that the child was of royalty, for the clothes that was worn when we found it,” began Alden. Knowing him, he wanted the business to be quick, but to be understood.
-- Missed a few commas 'tis all.
Your Version: “Her name, and its Susan but we named her Star.”
Edited Version: “Her name, and its Susan, but we named her Star.”
-- Missed one comma.

01-Apr-2010 21:32:58 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 21:39:58 by Areno3

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Post 5 Continued ~
Your Version: “Its a she?! Now Alden, I can't continue my traits, my accomplishments to a girl. There is no hope for my work to last through the ages. She will die at the first assignment that I give her,” protested Nathan.
Edited Version: “It's a she?! Now Alden, I can't continue my traits, nor my accomplishments, with a girl. There is no hope for my work to last through the ages. She will die with the first assignment I give her,” protested Nathan.
-- I reworded this due to awkwardness and unconfidence within this entire phrase.
Your Version: Alden looked over to Mitch and thought of his reply for a second, and this was the last comment he had for Mitch and Nathan knew it.
Edited Version: Alden looked over to Mitch and thought of his reply for a second. This was the last comment he had for Mitch, and Nathan knew it.
-- You had a run-on sentence here along with a missed comma.
Your Version: “Have you not heard of Banyolla? Was she not a warrior that took horseback for her dying father. Yes, yes they are but a drunk man's lore but each tale has some truth to it. Has it not been told that?” and with that Mitch fell silent.
Edited Version: “Have you not heard of Banyolla? Was she not a warrior that took horseback for her dying father? Yes, yes they are, but a drunk man's lore has some truth to it. Has it not been told that?” and with that, Mitch fell silent.
-- Missed a few commas here and there, and a few extra, uneeded words were here as well.

01-Apr-2010 21:41:57 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 21:46:07 by Areno3

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Post 6 ~
Your Version: “Now I don't have a lot of time, to hear of a wise man's plea and disagreement for I wish to dine and then sleep.
Edited Version: “Now, I don't have a lot of time to hear of a wise man's plea and disagreement, for I wish to dine and then sleep.
-- Missed some commas and you had a comma splice.
Your Version: She is somewhat of a person that does not only wield the blood of royalty, but she also a servant of Veritas.
Edited Version: She is somewhat of a person that does not only wield the blood of royalty, but is also a servant of Veritas.
-- 'She' should be 'is'.
Your Version: Nathan was left there, with dying candles and empty bar fiddling with his key in hand.
Edited Version: Nathan was left there with dying candles and an empty bar, fiddling with his key in hand.
-- Had a comma splice and missed a comma.
Your Version: With his mind still drunk with rum, and his belly hanging he would sleep a night's sleep that only came once in awhile trying to calm down his protest for his would-be legacy.
Edited Version: With his mind still drunk with rum, and his belly hanging, he would sleep a night's sleep that only came once in awhile trying to calm down his protest for his would-be legacy.
-- Missed a comma.
_________
Finished editing for today.
Comments: I truly admire this piece so far. Not the grammar and flow of the writing, but how you have the plot planned out before you. I like the idea of the entire story, and I can't wait to read the next bit tomorrow. You do have a talent, and I bet this would be much better in your primary language. I do have one piece of advice for you though. Try looking up synonyms for various words. You used 'small' and 'short' an awful lot. :) Good luck with the story.

01-Apr-2010 21:48:27 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 21:54:17 by Areno3

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Feel free to call me Areno or Ace, I am known be either. It was a pleasure editing and reading the first chapter of your story. I will be back tomorrow or perhaps the day after... but soon! ^_^ I only have three stories on here it seems - The Defied Truth, The Assassin of Avaritia & Deleterious Compulsion. The assassin one is my newest one, and only has two posts of writing.

01-Apr-2010 21:59:05

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