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The Thief's Apprentice.

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Areno3

Areno3

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^ I did, lol. :P I was typing rather quickly. I meant to put 'you are' instead of 'you're' so it got mixed up.
______
Post 2 Continued ~
Your Version: Nathan pulled out a crumpled, piece of parchment from his back pocket and read it once more to finish his job correctly.
Edited Version: Nathan pulled out a crumpled piece of parchment from his back pocket and read it once more to finish his job correctly.
-- Just an all too usual comma splice here. :P
Your Version: The difference that moved Nathan away from the locals, was that he was a thief.
Edited Version: The difference that moved Nathan away from the locals was the fact that he was a thief.
-- Another comma splice and I reworded the sentence, because it sounded unconfident. :|
Your Version: Nathan was going to be forty years by the end of the up coming fall and he noticed that with each passing year he moved slower and slower.
Edited Version: Nathan was going to be forty years by the end of the upcoming fall and he noticed that with each passing year he moved slower and slower.
-- 'Upcoming' is one word. ;) _______
That is all for post two. Shall I continue with the criticism, or 'editing'? :P I can just read and not edit if you want.

01-Apr-2010 20:16:34 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 20:30:11 by Areno3

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Lol... okay. I'm only doing the first part though! :P
________
Post 3 ~
Your Version: Born from a wealthy family but still young, for taming.
Edited Version: Born from a wealthy family but still young for taming.
-- ANOTHER comma splice. :P It's okay though.
Your Version: Try to find the Blue Moon Inn, in southern Qualimin and ask Mitch the bartender for me.
Edited Version: Try to find the Blue Moon Inn in southern Qualimin and ask Mitch the Bartender for me.
-- Yet another comma splice, and 'Mitch the Bartender' should be capatalized. ;) It's a grammar rule of the language.
Your Version: I'll try to arrive around eleven but if I do not show please feel free to get a room on my name. Till the time, we see each other.
Edited Version: I'll try to arrive around eleven, but if I do not show, please feel free to get a room on my name. Till the time we see each other.
-- Many errors here. You forgot two commas, and you had a comma splice. ;)
Your Version: Nathan asked several time for Alden's arrival from the bartender but he was told that he did not know.
Edited Version: Nathan asked the bartender several times for Alden's arrival, but he was told that he did not know.
-- I reworded this whole sentence because it was all messed up. Forgot a comma here and it was worded VERY awkwardly.
Your Version: “Room 8, here's the key. Sorry but looks like Alden is working tonight late.” replied Mitch.
Edited Version: “Room eight. Here's the key. Sorry, but it looks like Alden is working late tonight,” replied Mitch.
-- Also many errors here. If a number is ever below a thousand, it must be typed with letters. Next, the first sentence was a run-on sentence. Lastly, you missed a comma and you got 'late' and 'tonight' mixed up.

01-Apr-2010 20:34:04 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 20:44:23 by Areno3

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Post 3 Continued ~
Your Version: As Mitch handed him a old bronze made key, a cool breeze blew from the direction of the doorway.
Edited Version: As Mitch handed him an old bronze-made key, a cool breeze blew from the direction of the doorway.
-- Many errors here as well. I think you can spot 'em rather clearly.
Your Version: A man crowded with his cloak around him from the blowing of the night's cool wind, stood there with a curious stare in his eyes.
Edited Version: A man, crowded with his cloak around him from the blowing of the night's cool wind, stood there with a curious stare in his eyes.
-- Missed the comma after 'man'.
Your Version: He wore a woolen kind of cloak that blew in direction of him with his hood on, covering his face nearly completely.
Edited Version: He wore a woolen kind of cloak that blew in his direction with his hood on, which nearly concealed his face completely.
-- Another set of errors here. It was worded unconfidently again, and I believe 'concealed' is a much stronger word than 'covering'. The sentence was all mixed up though.
Your Version: The thing that made Nathan notice at first was the twinkling left eye that was colored of a milk white blue, the man was half blind.
Edited Version: The thing that made Nathan notice at first was the twinkling left eye that was colored of a milk white blue; the man was half blind.
-- That comma should be a semi-colon.
Your Version: A small grin spread across Nathan's face, Alden has arrived.
Edited Version: A small grin spread across Nathan's face; Alden had arrived.
-- Lol, you used a comma in the place of a semi-colon once again. Also, it should be 'had' not 'has'. This is in third-person which is usually told in the past-tense.

01-Apr-2010 20:45:16 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 21:10:09 by Areno3

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay... :P _________
Post 4 ~
Your Version: Though they had their moments, there were times when they would draw croziers against each other but those were the olden days and that was when they were young.
Edited Version: Though they had their moments, there were times when they would draw croziers against each other. Those were the olden days though, and that had been when they were young.
-- Sounds much better, doesn't it?
Your Version: Nathan sighed and with a hearty cry he said “Alden, you old fool. Shouldn't you be in a retired home watching the fire burn in the fireplace?”
Edited Version: Nathan sighed, and with a hearty cry he said, “Alden, you old fool. Shouldn't you be in a retired home watching the fire burn in the fireplace?”
-- You missed a few commas.
Your Version: Alden had a small white beard hanging from his face with small facial hair around his cheeks.
Edited Version: Alden had a small white beard hanging from his face with little facial hair around his cheeks.
-- 'Small' before facial hair makes no sense in this sentence. ;) 'Little' sounds better by far.
Your Version: This was a old thief's saying and with that they unleashed together a loudly laugh.
Edited Version: This was an old thief's saying. And with that, they unleashed a booming laugh.
-- This sentence had more than a few errors. You had a run-on sentence, you mixed up 'an' with 'a', you placed 'together' in there when 'they' is already there, and 'loudly laugh' makes no sense. If you were to go along with that, it would be a 'loud laugh'. I changed it to 'booming' since it sounds better and much more stronger.

01-Apr-2010 20:59:31 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 21:07:52 by Areno3

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Post 4 Continued ~
Your Version: “Well Nathan I would just like to welcome back to your old home, Qualimin,” Alden said, giving him a large grin of welcome.
Edited Version: “Well Nathan, I would just like to welcome you back to your old home, Qualimin,” Alden said, giving him a large grin of welcome.
-- You missed the word 'you' in here and you missed a comma. Also, you used 'weclome' twice in this sentence. Perhaps you should look up a synonym for 'welcome' and or 'greeting'.
Your Version: Though Nathan hated this city he gave him a long nod in reply. “I've heard of your trouble in the kingdom of Avetnin, nasty injure as well last time I heard.”
Edited Version: Though Nathan hated this city, he gave him a long nod in reply. “I've heard of your trouble in the kingdom of Avetnin, nasty injury as well the last time I heard.”
-- Missed out on a few words and 'injure' should be 'injury'. ;)
Your Version: He lent me his horse and servant and we rode towards a river where I got a boatman to help me and then a doctor in the next town. Hell of a night, ... too bad for Meeno. Caught and hanged.”
Edited Version: He lent me his horse and servant and we rode towards a river where I got a boatman to help me. When we reached the next town, a doctor helped me as well. Hell of a night... too bad for Meeno. Caught and hanged.”
-- A lot of reworded things here. It was all mangled together and created a terrible run-on sentence. I had to do something about it. :|

01-Apr-2010 21:12:33 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 21:17:01 by Areno3

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