Forums
The Thief's Apprentice.
Quick find code: 49-50-56-59256619
![[#Q4V1WRRXR]](https://forums.rs/img/avatars/default.png)
I think I'm going to read this. When I was on FunOrb, I took a brief glance at it and I was interested.
Do you mind any constructive criticism?
Do you mind any constructive criticism?
01-Apr-2010 19:37:02
Here, I found some errors here. Let me fix 'em for you.
__________
Chapter 1, Post 1 ~
Your Version: The hazy, smokened room whirled around and around, that caused dizziness.
Edited Version: The hazy, smokened room whirled around and around, causing dizziness.
-- Sounds better, don't it?
Your Version: Some had their head on the table with their drink in hand, while others placed card game and gambled their day's payment away.
Edited Version: Some had their head on the table with their drink in hand, while others played card games and gambled their day's payment away.
-- Your version didn't really make any sense. How could you place a card game if you were drunk? Also, it was worded rather awkwardly.
Your Version: Most men in the bar were low class people who had hard labor jobs that over stressed their muscles causing them to look bigger than the one next to them.
Edited Version: Most men in the bar were low class people who had difficult labor jobs that over-stressed their muscles, causing them to look bigger than the one next to them.
-- Just some common mistakes here. 'Hard' is a common used word, using 'difficult' spices up the sentence just a little bit. Also, 'over' and 'stressed' should be linked together by a hyphen because they are of relation. Finally, you missed the comma after 'muscles'.
Your Version: They carried small talk not wanting to raise their voices to alarm others of their presence.
Edited Version: They carried small talk, not wanting to raise their voices to alarm others of their presence.
-- Missed the comma after 'talk'.
Your Version: He had dark emerald eyes that glowed in the badly lit room, with a scar on his cheek that resembled an upside down cross.
Edited Version: He had dark emerald eyes that glowed in the terribly lit room, with a scar on his cheek that resembled an upside-down cross.
-- Just replaced the all too common word 'badly' with 'terribly'.
Also, you forgot the hyphen between 'upside' and 'down'.
__________
Chapter 1, Post 1 ~
Your Version: The hazy, smokened room whirled around and around, that caused dizziness.
Edited Version: The hazy, smokened room whirled around and around, causing dizziness.
-- Sounds better, don't it?
Your Version: Some had their head on the table with their drink in hand, while others placed card game and gambled their day's payment away.
Edited Version: Some had their head on the table with their drink in hand, while others played card games and gambled their day's payment away.
-- Your version didn't really make any sense. How could you place a card game if you were drunk? Also, it was worded rather awkwardly.
Your Version: Most men in the bar were low class people who had hard labor jobs that over stressed their muscles causing them to look bigger than the one next to them.
Edited Version: Most men in the bar were low class people who had difficult labor jobs that over-stressed their muscles, causing them to look bigger than the one next to them.
-- Just some common mistakes here. 'Hard' is a common used word, using 'difficult' spices up the sentence just a little bit. Also, 'over' and 'stressed' should be linked together by a hyphen because they are of relation. Finally, you missed the comma after 'muscles'.
Your Version: They carried small talk not wanting to raise their voices to alarm others of their presence.
Edited Version: They carried small talk, not wanting to raise their voices to alarm others of their presence.
-- Missed the comma after 'talk'.
Your Version: He had dark emerald eyes that glowed in the badly lit room, with a scar on his cheek that resembled an upside down cross.
Edited Version: He had dark emerald eyes that glowed in the terribly lit room, with a scar on his cheek that resembled an upside-down cross.
-- Just replaced the all too common word 'badly' with 'terribly'.
Also, you forgot the hyphen between 'upside' and 'down'.
01-Apr-2010 19:43:54 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 19:54:13 by Areno3
Post 1 Continued ~
Your Version: “Nathan, I know your allowed anything but your gonna clean me out,” said Mitch the bartender in a jokingly manner.
Edited Version: “Nathan, I know your allowed anything but your gonna clean me out,” said Mitch, the bartender, in a jokingly manner.
-- You missed the comma after 'Mitch' and 'bartender'. You see, if you are stating someones profession, or who they are, you either put it in hyphens or commas.
Hyphen Example: “Nathan, I know your allowed anything but your gonna clean me out,” said Mitch - the bartender - in a jokingly manner
-- You should only use hyphens though if it is TRULY important and you want the reader to notice it.
This is all I found for post one. Do you wish me to continue with the correcting?
EDIT: I see that English isn't your primary language, and I know it can be a pain.
English is one of the most difficult languages to master.
Your Version: “Nathan, I know your allowed anything but your gonna clean me out,” said Mitch the bartender in a jokingly manner.
Edited Version: “Nathan, I know your allowed anything but your gonna clean me out,” said Mitch, the bartender, in a jokingly manner.
-- You missed the comma after 'Mitch' and 'bartender'. You see, if you are stating someones profession, or who they are, you either put it in hyphens or commas.
Hyphen Example: “Nathan, I know your allowed anything but your gonna clean me out,” said Mitch - the bartender - in a jokingly manner
-- You should only use hyphens though if it is TRULY important and you want the reader to notice it.
This is all I found for post one. Do you wish me to continue with the correcting?
EDIT: I see that English isn't your primary language, and I know it can be a pain.
English is one of the most difficult languages to master.
01-Apr-2010 19:57:55 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 19:58:49 by Areno3
Okay, and you're gladly welcome.
______
Post 2 ~
Your Version: Nathan turned around and peered across the room, and stared at the large wooden door again, waiting for it to open and the right person to come through it.
Edited Version: Nathan turned around and peered across the room. He stared at the large wooden door again, waiting for it to open and the right person to come through.
-- It was a bit of a run-on sentence. I just changed it into two seperate sentences and the 'it' at the end of the phrase is unneeded.
Your Version: And again there was no answer, so he continued and to stare at the night's show in the Blue Moon's Inn.
Edited Version: And again there was no answer, so he continued to stare at the night's show in the Blue Moon's Inn.
-- The 'and' was unneeded in this sentence.
Your Version: A young man in a lightly tanned uniform looked up from a poker table and stared a second at Nathan, till Nathan gave a small salute with his two front fingers.
Edited Version: A young man in a lightly tanned uniform looked up from a poker table and stared at Nathan for a second. After a few moments, Nathan gave a small salute with his two front fingers.
-- I switched around this sentence a bit as you can see. It was worded rather awkwardly like a few phrases before. I think it sounds better this way, and I bet you'll think so too.
Your Version: Most people saw the tattoo and thought that it was drawn when he was a young reckless child to impress his friends but there was a cause behind it.
Edited Version: Most people saw the tattoo and thought that it was drawn when he was a reckless child to impress his friends, but there was a cause behind it.
-- You went a little too wordy here. Of course children are young, so there is no need for the 'young' in the sentence. Also, you forgot the comma after 'friends'.
______
Post 2 ~
Your Version: Nathan turned around and peered across the room, and stared at the large wooden door again, waiting for it to open and the right person to come through it.
Edited Version: Nathan turned around and peered across the room. He stared at the large wooden door again, waiting for it to open and the right person to come through.
-- It was a bit of a run-on sentence. I just changed it into two seperate sentences and the 'it' at the end of the phrase is unneeded.
Your Version: And again there was no answer, so he continued and to stare at the night's show in the Blue Moon's Inn.
Edited Version: And again there was no answer, so he continued to stare at the night's show in the Blue Moon's Inn.
-- The 'and' was unneeded in this sentence.
Your Version: A young man in a lightly tanned uniform looked up from a poker table and stared a second at Nathan, till Nathan gave a small salute with his two front fingers.
Edited Version: A young man in a lightly tanned uniform looked up from a poker table and stared at Nathan for a second. After a few moments, Nathan gave a small salute with his two front fingers.
-- I switched around this sentence a bit as you can see. It was worded rather awkwardly like a few phrases before. I think it sounds better this way, and I bet you'll think so too.
Your Version: Most people saw the tattoo and thought that it was drawn when he was a young reckless child to impress his friends but there was a cause behind it.
Edited Version: Most people saw the tattoo and thought that it was drawn when he was a reckless child to impress his friends, but there was a cause behind it.
-- You went a little too wordy here. Of course children are young, so there is no need for the 'young' in the sentence. Also, you forgot the comma after 'friends'.
01-Apr-2010 20:05:06 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2010 20:20:22 by Areno3
Quick find code: 49-50-56-59256619 Back to Top