So far, I've read through your first chapter. I'm a little sick (Well, very sick... but anyways), so I really don't feel like reading anymore, or doing a full indepth review like I normally would. Sorry D=
So yeah, I'm Die and I found your story through your post on A Guild of Song and Myth. Firstly, you're welcome to apply at AGoSaM using me as your invitation, as it's needed. I suggest reading the front page =P
Now, what do I think about your story? Firstly, it's better than what is usually found around here. You have a solid build up in your first chapter, which surprised me as your introduction had me worried. You've got some good description and some character development, which is always nice.
However, what stops your story from truly shining is the grammar issues you have. Your sentence structure is a little wonky a lot of the time, with it halting the flow. You might find this hard, as I understand English is your second language (Sorry if I'm incorrect, I think I read it at the bottom of your first page), but by reading over what you've written so far you would find some sentences don't... seem to fit. Technically they are correct, but because of the order of words it doesn't quite make sense. Try and pick up on those!
Also, occasionally your word choice is a little poor, while other times it's spectacular. Try and erase those poor ones and I would be mighty happy!
So, that's about all from me. I'm sure I'll come back when I'm feeling healthy and I'll give you a little bit more of a informal review. Happy writing!
16-Oct-2009 02:51:27
