forums.rs

Forums

~The Anthology II~

Quick find code: 49-50-527-56925121

of 44
Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I had a look in the recommended reading list and decided to check out the owner of the guild. I read the first story and is it proving intrirguing, for you started the story in the middle, but the effect was good because it draws the reader right in.
You managed to explore into the matter of human greed quite well here, and how, eventually, all the wealth we gathered in our life becomes unimportant beyond death. Very handy themes to employ.
Here are some notes:
"Is anything is this place ever fresh?"
~I do very much believe this is a typo. The second 'is' is supposed to be 'in'?
"Slightly frustrated by not knowing what it was Ki was so enthused about"
~Perhaps you mean 'Slightly frustrated by not knowing what it was *that**** was so enthused about', or 'Slightly frustrated by not knowing what Ki was so enthused about.' to make yourself clearer here.
"Just try man!"
~Consider adding a comma after 'try'.
"The sound of Ki screaming and the voice made Aymar want to tear out his ears and eyes, the voice made of insanity itself."
~Perhaps of the comma, this sentence makes very little sense. You could possibly change the comma to a dash, and make it clear that you're describing the voice again by adding 'It was a voice...' etc. A dash create more suspense and effect than a comma.
"The chains began swirling faster, until Ki's tortured howls of pain were all the evidence of his friend that were left that he could see."
*Not sure whether the description is spot on here. To 'see' a sound of tortured howls, is that what you mean? Because people don't usually see sounds ...
"oozing thickly across the floor."
~Consider adding adjectives to the floor, which would enrich the image.
I am impressed by your descriptions, and how well the story flowed with graphic contents. Perhaps inspired by Gothic texts? Good story overall, but sometimes I think certain places are rushed. No part of the story should be thrown away.
That's all from me. Happy writing!

01-Dec-2008 13:54:09

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Is anything is this place ever fresh?"
~I do very much believe this is a typo. The second 'is' is supposed to be 'in'?
**
You're correct about the 'is,' and I do believe that's been mentioned before. I thought I'd fixed that typo.
**
"Slightly frustrated by not knowing what it was Ki was so enthused about"
~Perhaps you mean 'Slightly frustrated by not knowing what it was *that**** was so enthused about', or 'Slightly frustrated by not knowing what Ki was so enthused about.' to make yourself clearer here.
**
If my readers can't mentally bridge the gap that placing a 'that' would alleviate, then they should read someone else's work.
**
"Just try man!"
~Consider adding a comma after 'try'.
**
Grammatically, you'd be likely correct. However, since the human mind spaces and sounds out a sentence according to the punctuation, and since I want a quick, excited dialogue with no pauses to better enunciate the emotion, I neglected to use a comma.
**
"The sound of Ki screaming and the voice made Aymar want to tear out his ears and eyes, the voice made of insanity itself."
~Perhaps of the comma, this sentence makes very little sense. You could possibly change the comma to a dash, and make it clear that you're describing the voice again by adding 'It was a voice...' etc. A dash create more suspense and effect than a comma.
**
There should be no need to further emphasize that I'm describing the voice again. It specifically states that once again the voice is the subject by using the word 'voice.'
You must be reading the sentence wrongly. The 'sound' is the first subject, using a gerund** compound prepositional phrase as the direct object "of Ki screaming and the voice."
Subtract that and you have, "The sound made Aymar want to tear out his ears and eyes, the voice made of insanity itself." I think you'll agree there is nothing confusing about that sentence.
**

01-Dec-2008 18:58:48

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"The chains began swirling faster, until Ki's tortured howls of pain were all the evidence of his friend that were left that he could see."
*Not sure whether the description is spot on here. To 'see' a sound of tortured howls, is that what you mean? Because people don't usually see sounds ...
**
Haha. That's a good point. Hmm. Wonder why that's never been mentioned before. It's poorly phrased to boot.
I'll change it to, "The chains began swirling faster, until Ki's tortured howls of pain were, to Aymar, the only evidence left of his friend."
**
"oozing thickly across the floor."
~Consider adding adjectives to the floor, which would enrich the image.
**
I have a hierarchy of description. I don't want people to think about the floor. It's unimportant. I want people to fixate on the blood. Forget about the rest of the surroundings; it's the only important bit as far as that sentence in concerned.
**
Thanks for the critique; I always welcome pickiness and a sharp eye looking over my stories.
Just know that some of what may look odd is just my own writing style, and don't be offended if I don't take all your suggestions.
You can feel free to read as many as you'd like; in fact, I'd appreciate it, but no obligation of course.

01-Dec-2008 19:01:44 - Last edited on 01-Dec-2008 19:05:43 by A White Wolf

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
How about we get crazy and add a little 'new' material?
This two-post short is the example I wrote for new applicants to my guild, The Incredibly Gifted Authors.
It's not much, but I figure anyone who ever pokes their head in here deserves every scrap of my work they can get.
(Barring The Crypt;...maybe some day. :p)
Enjoy!

02-Dec-2008 00:58:03

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Full, flowing locks of light hair swirled elegantly, more akin to the caresses of the breeze surrounding them than to her partner's own tortured tresses; cold steel having suddenly severed them only a mere moment before.
"This has to end, Tyrene. You've gone mad with power!" Jey yelled, baring her weapons with savage grace as she poised on the tips of her black-swathed toes, leg wrappings easily keeping off the midnight moon's frosty glow. She swept a strand of silken blonde hair out of her eyes, forehead breaking out in beads of sweat much to the chilly night's chagrin.
Her opponent stood proudly, a malevolent grin stretching across her visage; no worse for the wear apart from a slightly shorter haircut than she'd had upon beginning the quarrel.
"You're such a fool. I'm not mad with power; I'm furious at your weakness." She laughed cruelly, slowly raking her serrated blades across one another, red arcs scintillating across the surface. "Only the strong survive, and you've proven time and time again that you lack the strength to compete against me."
The moon's cold glow glinted across flying steel as Jey cried out, a knife blossoming out of her shoulder, the blade seeming to be made of the night itself.
Jey spun, face contorting into a rictus of pain as she whipped her enchanted yew quarterstaff up behind her to parry the blow she knew was coming. The solid thwack of sharp steel meeting hard wood told her that for all her talk, Tyrene's fighting style was still predictable as always.
"Fine!" the green-cloaked warrioress vehemently spat at her one-time friend, "if it's death you crave, then meet it swiftly!"
Words seemingly forged of crystal began to pour out of Jey's mouth, the melodious language of the Elves sweetly singing into the ears of anyone who heard it. The dulcet tone belied the spell's true power though, and a crackling sphere of green energy coalesced into being at the tip of Jey's quarterstaff.

02-Dec-2008 00:58:13 - Last edited on 02-Dec-2008 01:06:02 by A White Wolf

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Tyrene threw back her head and howled with laughter, the cackles of one long since having doffed the burden of precious sanity. With a flourish of her inky cloak, she vanished yet again, leaving Jey in the middle of the clearing alone once more.
Or seemingly alone. The slanted green eyes of the graceful warrioress could see through the Nightshade cloak, only able to shirk the light in the eyes of mortal man, an ability she'd never revealed to her once-friend.
Still holding the earth's power within her hands, she cried out, loosing the energy held inside in a veritable maelstrom of power, watching the cloaked form melt away into the mass.
Sinking to her knees, Jey's chest heaved, gulping air in hungrily from the expulsion of so much effort, single drops of sweat gracing the frosted grass beneath her.
A flash of moonlight; a spray of crimson.
Cruel laughter greeted Jey's ears as she saw, almost from a third-person perspective, herself fall to the ground. Scarlet miasma clouded her vision as she heard more than felt her lifeblood gurgling out of the gaping hole in her throat.
Confusion reigned; dumbstruck at how she had been caught off guard. As her eyes dulled and her sight faded, the only thought left in her mind was, 'How did everything go...so....wrong...'
***
Snap.
CLAP!
Jey bolted upright, looking into the black eyes of her best friend.
"Wow, you were OUT. Welcome back to the world of the living!" Tyrene laughed, throwing her curly black hair back over her shoulder with a toss of her head.
"I had...the most bizarre dream." Jey said, yawning, getting up off of the animal-skin couch she had made into her place of slumber for the last hour.
"Well, don't worry about it. It was just a dream. People that put stock in dreams are just superstitious." Tyrene said as she walked to the fireplace, poking some logs with an iron.
"You're right. Hehe." Jey smiled and walked a little ways away, looking out of the window.
Tyrene, grinning, withdrew her knife.

02-Dec-2008 00:58:14 - Last edited on 05-Dec-2008 02:01:52 by A White Wolf

Ogdred

Ogdred

Posts: 2,414 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
:O
I'm sorry, but every time i see this on the first page, it sends a tremor up my back.
This is the most sick and twisted thing I've seen here. Ever.
Especially "The Return of Zaros"; I made it up to there and stopped.
I *don't* plan on finishing on a full stomach, or within the vicinity of my pet kitten.
······„¤”¤„-¤*^”¤„¤§¤„¤”^*¤-„¤”¤„·····
„¤”··„-¤”*^¤^*ØgЮ€d*^¤^*”¤-„··”¤„
“¤-¤"^¤-„-¤^*¤”¤§¤”¤*^¤-„-¤^"¤-¤”

02-Dec-2008 00:58:29

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

Posts: 8,377 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Haha, Ogdred, that's about the best compliment you can give me. :-)
I hope you can bring yourself to read the latest little two-post deal I snagged from TIGA.
It's the example for an application 4,000 char short, and it's also not horror.
Mind if I use that compliment of yours in my advertisements?

02-Dec-2008 01:00:43

Quick find code: 49-50-527-56925121 Back to Top