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Darkest Secrets—Story Contest

Quick find code: 49-50-523-63770340

Cozmic

Cozmic

Forum Moderator Posts: 16,435 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
---------- Aeraie ----------
Judge A: The piece is very well written in terms of grammar. The plot is also well-constructed, which made reading enjoyable. I saw the story as very insightful to human nature, which I always enjoy reading. I also enjoy how the piece begins and ends with similar lines, a nice literary touch that you use to capture the dynamic changes in Mark's character. As I was reading, I thought the concept of a school shooter was a bit melodramatic, but exceptional revelations occasionally require exceptional circumstances. The lengthy, pedantic description in the last full paragraph (the one that begins with “Above all” ) slowed the story and – I believe – detracted from the ending. Try to give such an explanation through your characters or their actions next time, instead of as an aside. Nicely done. (3/5)
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Judge B: This entry was deceiving, because the opening paragraph suggests it will be a tale of happiness and romance, and that whatever the secret was, it would not end in tragedy.
I liked the way you instilled a false sense of security in the reader: it leads nicely on to the climatic point at which a gunman is in the building, when the tone then becomes a lot darker. I sort of found the jump a bit of a sudden leap; it's spontaneity was a slight issue because we barely know anything of the characters or the setting, so we can't make an emotive connection to them as such.
The scene is almost a bit too perfect (well, not for the students but in terms of how things pan out), and for me it just seemed a bit surreal and quick -- I think it would have been better if you had held the reader's suspense for slightly longer.
The moral messages in this entry are illustrated clearly and this strengthens the quality of your piece: I can acknowledge I am reading something that is meant to have a lasting effect on the reader.

05-Aug-2012 23:12:29

Cozmic

Cozmic

Forum Moderator Posts: 16,435 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
My final point is again to commend you with the relevance to the competition prompt, and I liked the way you made the secret a universal one that is shared by all of humanity -- it embellishes it. (4.1/5)
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Judge C: This was one of the stories that when I was scanning the entries in June (before I submitted my application to become a judge) that really stood out for me, and that is obviously very important. It was a very good idea, I applaud you for thinking this up. The structure is amazing, the first line really brings you into the story, and the typical behaviour between the characters is realistic and humourous. There is loads to say about this story and I cannot fit it into one paragraph, so I will sum it up in two words: absolutely amazing. It didn't strike me as much as some other stories in terms of quality, however. (4.7/5)

05-Aug-2012 23:13:23

Cozmic

Cozmic

Forum Moderator Posts: 16,435 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
---------- One Hot Stud ---------
Judge A: The grammar of the piece is slightly flawed here and there, but it was nothing major. I found the piece slightly confusing, which made my enjoyment of it somewhat hindered. I did appreciate your efforts to give me a glimpse into Mr. Sandusky's mind, as they make him a fuller character. As I was reading, I kept trying to find some sort of symbolism in the final parts of the story, possibly because of symbolism the poem gives. Unfortunately, I could not find any, which is what mostly left me confused. In the future, try to keep your structure constant (through paragraphs, etc.) so a symbolic pattern will be clear. Nevertheless, the story kept me entertained, and I enjoyed it. (2.7/5)
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Judge B: There were elements of this story I loved, others I couldn't quite understand. The complexity lies in the computer coding bit at the beginning, as even after having read the story it still confuses me, and I am left questioning its inclusion whilst knowing that it is significant in some way, which is a difficult position for a reader to be in.
I liked the poem and how the narrator relates everyday life to it, as if he has some principles by which he avows to live by, all of which are embedded in that poem. The description is similarly effective and creates an imaginative and realistic perspective of his thoughts and feelings.
The actual secret itself is only implied, and even then it's still difficult to comprehend quite what it is. I would have liked to have seen a strong relevance in this entry to the theme, as the reader is not really left in much of a different position to that which they began in.
Still, this was an entertaining read and an imaginative approach to the specifications. :) (3.7/5)

05-Aug-2012 23:17:04

Cozmic

Cozmic

Forum Moderator Posts: 16,435 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Judge C: This was admittedly quite an interesting piece. The poem, to start with, was very clever. I like the way it rhymes and I like the rhythm. I like the idea of both the poem and the story. Although there wasn't much to it in terms of plot and storyline, there was something about it that just made me want to read on. There was curiosity in the piece, you didn't know what was going to happen next. The description was average and the grammar was good, I didn't find any mistakes. A good piece. (3.7/5)

05-Aug-2012 23:17:19

Cozmic

Cozmic

Forum Moderator Posts: 16,435 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The winner of this competition is: Yrolg!
Yrolg, please post the QFC of a thread you would like stickied. Great job. Chuk is the competition's runner-up.

05-Aug-2012 23:26:57 - Last edited on 05-Aug-2012 23:43:26 by Cozmic

Cyun

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Congratulations Yrolg! Thank you to everyone who took part, you all gave me some fantastic reads.
Although I'd be overjoyed to be the runner-up Cozmic, according to my calculations Chuk gained 0.1 point more than me, so he should be the runner-up.

05-Aug-2012 23:34:17

Cyun

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Why the hell did I do that? :D Here's the leader-board anyway if you were wondering where you've come:
Yrolg = 13.2
Chuk = 12
Cyun = 11.9
Aeraie = 11.8
Azi = 11.5
Snyder = 11.3
Worf = 11
Eno = 11
One Hot Stud = 10.1
Heretic = 7.6
Sol = 7.4

05-Aug-2012 23:46:00 - Last edited on 05-Aug-2012 23:47:17 by Cyun

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