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Judge A: The piece is very well written in terms of grammar. The plot is also well-constructed, which made reading enjoyable. I saw the story as very insightful to human nature, which I always enjoy reading. I also enjoy how the piece begins and ends with similar lines, a nice literary touch that you use to capture the dynamic changes in Mark's character. As I was reading, I thought the concept of a school shooter was a bit melodramatic, but exceptional revelations occasionally require exceptional circumstances. The lengthy, pedantic description in the last full paragraph (the one that begins with “Above all” ) slowed the story and – I believe – detracted from the ending. Try to give such an explanation through your characters or their actions next time, instead of as an aside. Nicely done. (3/5)
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Judge B: This entry was deceiving, because the opening paragraph suggests it will be a tale of happiness and romance, and that whatever the secret was, it would not end in tragedy.
I liked the way you instilled a false sense of security in the reader: it leads nicely on to the climatic point at which a gunman is in the building, when the tone then becomes a lot darker. I sort of found the jump a bit of a sudden leap; it's spontaneity was a slight issue because we barely know anything of the characters or the setting, so we can't make an emotive connection to them as such.
The scene is almost a bit too perfect (well, not for the students but in terms of how things pan out), and for me it just seemed a bit surreal and quick -- I think it would have been better if you had held the reader's suspense for slightly longer.
The moral messages in this entry are illustrated clearly and this strengthens the quality of your piece: I can acknowledge I am reading something that is meant to have a lasting effect on the reader.
05-Aug-2012 23:12:29